MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

Not the point is it ? The child will have to start again with the milk ladder. MiL was left in no doubt that DGC wasn’t to be given milk or milk products but thought she knew better. Maybe there were no effects from the pie, but what if this emboldens MiL next time to try something else with more milk products ? This is not her child. If she doesn’t like the fact that there is a milk allergy and is not prepared to abide by what OP needs her to do as a result of medical advice, then she doesn’t have sole custody of the child.

Ive not spoken to her at all since she gave the milk. I know my partner has said something to her but not sure what and it would absolutely be said in a non threatening way, just a passing comment kind of way. It’s funny how she is absolutely fine, not concerned, laughing joking with him and with everyone on else on social media. No I’m sorry, no trying to chat with me, nothing. Do these people just not feel bad about anything? Even if I thought I’d upset someone I’d send a quick sorry.

Right now all you can do is vote with your feet and never leave your DD unsupervised there again. If she asks why then simply tell her you can't trust her to follow your instruction.

Yeah I’ll make steps now to sort emergency childcare so as never to need them.

Don’t do anything on his behalf for her either. Reminding him of bday, sending her a gift at xmas etc. make sure you restrict the family budget. Does your dh like golf? Than all 3 of you go to gold etc. plan it out so that you can restrict his time with her. Because if you do seperate, she won’t have as much access to your child…

And tell people in your circle like your family. Don’t cover for her. If your DC is in nursery or school, make sure the reception team know the facts etc.

It just all feels so wrong. Usually you want to do these things. I have felt quite bad about my feelings for her and how they’d impact his relationship with his parents. I’ve done dinners and bbqs for them, well for him. I won’t anymore, it’s all quite sad but necessary, it’s just not like me, I am quite a soft person. He is better away from the mum, she tries to control him. He had got much better and more assertive over the years.

This is a good point OP. Sadly, people do need to know that MIL is a risk in terms of giving DC milk products as she doesn’t believe in the intolerance. People need to know why you don’t want her alone with DC so that they don’t fall for any sob stories and cover for her.

If she is prepared to apologise for this and assure you that she won’t cross this line again you could in time rebuild a relationship. But for now you have to make this boundary crystal clear to your DH and MIL.

Snide comments are one thing. Risking your child’s health to make a point about your parenting and her control - she went far too far.

I’m still not sure of her motive. Whether she wanted me to go oh wow you are amazing you’ve proved all the professionals wrong and look you were right all along, thank you so much for being so superior. Or she was trying to set me off.

I’m guessing the child can have trace amounts of the pie often has milk but always so on the list of ingredients. I asked that pages ago and the child is okay.

There is a sign of allergy for this kid. They last time they tried the milk ladder to reintroduce it didn’t work out well as the child had a reaction. Or coincidentally vomited for some other reason. But now that MIL included a food with milk they will have to restrict and wait a time before they can start reintroduction. This reaction appears as a rash or tummy issue. It’s not at the moment something that caused a breathing issue. But it is a big inconvenience and trust broken.

I am beginning to think it’s not really about the milk. Or some commenters have issues with their MILs and I’m confusing with OP. She could have been nervously giggly that she made the mistake and didn’t read the package. No one is going to be mom watching your baby. Only mom will be mom. Day care could make the same error. They would provide and I am sorry that the mom would accept. Mom can yell in a way maybe she can’t or should not to MIL.

In the 90’s my uncle’s wife wanted nothing to do with her FIL. They made MIL, my grandma, come to their house to see her 5th grandchild, the first 4 grown by this time. They said the reason was my parents smoke. They lived with us part of the year. And they said he was allergic to the smoke. He was still little when grandpa died and she was suddenly allowed to watch him in small bits of time at our house. He was see ashtrays and say ick. Great, a nasty habit anyway. But no effects. Uncle adopted his wife’s denomination so we didn’t get Xmas with any of them ever. Also Christian but they didn’t make a big deal out of it. I did happen to notice when our grandma died, he was 30 and had no trouble walking past the people who smoked to go into the place the lunch was being held. I do not think he was allergic. I think they wanted him away from family so picked on something else. Kinda ironic given all the things uncle was smoking in his parents house when single. This was the era of them trying to get smoking out of places. So they picked on that. My cousin did turn out to have lighter form of autism. My kid has and I know how hard it can be to get to the bottom of what is happening. It’s possible they were trying to rule out ‘is it a reaction to something’ or something more? The uncle’s wife family saw a bit of violence from a male relative and that relative was removed from society. It was a pity cause her side so small she should have had and given my cousin a big family if she was not so apt on cutting all off. But I think she was just fearful of people given her past.

You're probably right on both counts. As you have said, she's been very controlling with your dh all his life, so her aims will be control and always being the most important person in his life. Basically she's doing that by undermining you, whilst at the same time looking like she's the one in the right who knows better, the 'saviour'.

She's extremely jealous of you and how important you are to dh. It's so bad that, sadly, she used your daughter to achieve her desperate, selfish aims, and that's crossing the line. You all need to get out of her orbit, as she'll seek to control all of you. I know that you didn't ask for any of this OP, but I'm afraid you can't fix it as the problem is all in her head.

This feels very true. She has never liked me, always had me marked as a particular person that I’m really not.

You should insist that you daughter doesn't have milk or maybe find someone else to look after her or as I know someone else in your situation try hidden cameras then you'll know exactly what your child is having.

@RealWriter I don’t think that will make any difference. I don’t think she can literally understand people are different to her. I’m pretty sure her own son had it when he was a baby and she still did nothing about it. Either completely ignoring it not caring or for some reason or another. I read that it could be down to her believing she is perfect.

Noone is perfect

Yet she is fine.

Something does not add up.

It is not entirely out of the realm of possibility someone say their child is “sensitive” to a food in order to limit access others have to the child. If it’s possible the MIL is controlling it’s also possible the mom is controlling. Or wants drama.

Why the need for all this validation? And why keep testing as reintroduction to dairy? It’s has been established it’s a problem, an attempt at reintroducing took place and caused vomiting. Just avoid milk for the next 100 years. If MIL knows you are doing another test and an accidental trace amount may have been present in something the child ate I would think it would be helpful for the doctor to know vomiting didn’t happen. Sometimes people nervously smile when uncomfortable. It’s not sinister. If you felt uneasy before you picked up just say so. Be around her when you are present then. Is she just introverted and quirky? Some have issues that are unsafe and some have harmless issues. Aren’t we all supposed to be kinder and gentler. Maybe it’s not a character flaw but difficultly in interacting with people. Is FIL there?

My daughter doesn’t have a voice. We are supposed to do all we can to protect children when in our care. Our own needs and own agendas are not important. The only people who get to decide when milk is introduced to her is myself and my partner and the dietitian and gp. My mum doesn’t have a problem, my brother and sis no problem, his grandparents no problem, friends have no problem, the playgroup has no problem. All of them go out of there way to buy or make food that contains no milk, it’s simple. Being quirky, introverted or difficultly in interacting are crap excuses and doesn’t offer any excuses in my opinion.

I’ve heard nothing from her, she hasn’t asked about the kids. She really isn’t interested and neither am I anymore.

Your child will be you in 25 years when she has a baby. Telling you how to hold the baby, etc… As if you never did such a thing before. Or her partner. And once that happens will ask strangers in the internet what to do. One commenter will tell her to train her partner in case of divorce, many will say keep away or never leave alone with until they are too old to hold. I just hope the rift isn’t over milk as an ingredient or listed as risk for cross contamination as she was upfront about it. It’s your partners mom and your kids grandparents. They won’t be around forever. In 10 years looking back it will seem trivial.

@HVfan do you have a child with an allergy? The GM had no regard about whether they were giving food which might have dairy in it.

DS had dairy allergy when young, luckily grew out of it. We had to be strict with some relatives as they didn’t believe such an allergy existed, so they couldn’t be left alone with DS. One of DS’s best friends didn’t grow out his dairy allergy. I was so vigilant when feeding him. Would check with his mum if not sure, even though I had had experience of the same allergy.

It would be a no brainer what to do. The OP seemed to need feedback for some reason?

If my MIL deliberately gave my daughter something that could cause her harm as OP's MIL did, I'd be glad that she wouldn't be around for ever.

'They won't be around for ever' is such a ridiculous argument. Nobody will be around for ever so does that mean that everybody can do horrible, spiteful things and get away with it?

Wtf.
No decent grandparent feeds their grandchild something they are allergic to.

This isn't like a falling out over nap times or how many blankets to put on the cot.

She didn’t deliberately try and kill the child. She gave her pizza and realized some of the ingredients were not to be given. And noticed the child didn’t get sick. Perhaps the MIL was suspecting the mom lying about the allergy?

It was not horrible. This mom isn’t the center of the universe. Neither is MIL. She isn’t just MIL, she is grandma, mom… If MIL was a horrible person with no disregard for human life her partner would not be old enough to have a child.

And yet nothing happened? Maybe MIL caught on a lie and that is the smirk?

I am not even going to engage with that level of ignorance