MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

To be honest we don’t see each other for many months at a time. I try to avoid it and my partner will pop in on his own. When we do meet we tend to have zero conversation anyway. We don’t chat via phone or anything in between, I stopped bothering a while ago. There’s practically nothing between us anymore. It is sad because it would have been lovely to have parents in law who were “normal”. She very rarely sees the kids. Can’t even be bothered on their birthdays unless she has to come this way for another reason then they will pop in. Usually a Tesco delivery is coming so they can’t come today! We’re like 20 mins ago but they never come to ours, thank god.

She sounds like a mean woman and is trying to get one over on you.
Dont let your toddler have sleep overs /soul visits with her - you’re keeping your child from being poorly.

She is asserting power over you and being sneaky in that she only does it when your partner isn’t there. (That’s creepy).

what was creepy and did throw me until I got home was the smirk. Who smirks, I’d be grovelling if I’d even accidentally done something like this. “We gave her some of our dinner and we didn’t even need to think about checking the ingredients” cue smile and giggle…weirdo!

Please stop using her as childcare. She’s mentally and emotionally abusing you and being highly neglectful of your child. Keep away from her and possibly think of going no contact. She sounds vile playing you like that and deliberately putting your daughter in harms way to prove a point. Toxic.

I’d totally withdraw and obviously she never has your dd alone again. You must tell your dh what she did, tho.

Things like this are why the new advice to give babies peanut butter etc is so dangerous. Yes with reasonable people with caution it may work to avoid allergies later on but there will be idiots like this mother in law who will give it to babies who might experience anaphylaxis just to be ‘clever’.

Please don’t leave your DD alone your MIL again if she has done this.

My child went from allergic to anaphylactic to milk in a short space of them not consuming milk, so never leave an allergic child alone with someone who doesn’t take their allergy seriously. It’s dangerous and especially as she seems convinced that your child is not actually allergic.

This is extremely dangerous! With allergies, you never know what the reaction will be. One time it may be nothing, another time mild another time anaphylaxis. Sorry to be frank, but you cannot trust her with the baby again.

I told my partner yesterday that his mum told me she thinks she gave her pie that probably had milk in. His reply was “oh did she, she never mentioned anything to me”. I said that I wasn’t happy about this and it was the wrong thing to do. He seemed a little surprised but not angry. I think she just does things like this and everyone just thinks she is super innocent. I’m not stupid though or fooled by this act, I don’t think she is super innocent. I am not fooled by any of her silly acts despite her playing this weird it’s just me I’m a little like this crap. I think it’s calculated because she can’t be that’s stupid or ignorant, she absolutely plays people off against each other and enjoys the power. Every now and again you will catch that smirk or a comment that’s just so off someone who was innocent.

that would be the last time they get to look after her.
that is, after you leave her with her to explosively shart over everything for the evening.

She’s my bestie, my little buddy ( both my kids are) but this was directed at her. I could not do it again.

If you don't stand up to yourself and your daughter now you will have failed as a mother

Ask your doctor to write your MIL and tell her why giving milk to your child is dangerous. Have it sent registered mail. When she receives it, tell her she is not babysitting your child again because she knowingly gave your child an allergen which can lead to anaphylaxis. Sit down with husband and tell him you are not spending time alone with his mother because she is not only rude to you, she is putting your child in danger. Tell him to grow a pair. MIL wants to communicate to you, it is through your husband or with both of you present. Grey rock her otherwise and cut her out of your life as much as you can.. If extended family says anything, show them a copy of the letter from the doctor.

My ex MIL was like this. My ex was so spineless I had no respect for him in the end. Of course when I left him, he went running straight to mummy for money!

You need to stand firm. She does not get to be unsupervised with your daughter again - ever. You will also have to ensure you’re always with your daughter when she’s in MIL’s presence, as your DH is spineless too.

I would spell it out to him that you expect him to protect your family unit. Ideally he would never leave you unsupervised with MIL either.

What is wrong with women today. Other women fought so long and so hard for our rights. Yet here we are letting men and mother in laws dictate to us. Tell them to pull their horns in or piss off. If your partner pampers to his mother he’s not the man for you. Stand up for yourselves ladies.

Did it make your child ill? If so, you need to point it out to her.

"you could grey rock her and ensure your daughter is never left alone with her."

Seems the best thing to do.

Tbh it sounds like intolerance to milk rather than allergy.
most children allergic get swelling of the tongue or throat and need an epipen and a call to the emergency services for anaphylaxis shock.
A child who is intolerant has gastric upsets for a couple of days and stomach and bowel cramps.your mil should be ashamed of herself to even think about giving your child milk and the subsequent pain that goes with it.
she should hang her head in shame.

The great German writer Goethe had a phrase that covers this: "With idiots even God is helpless."

This is a non-IgE mediated allergy, the symptoms are different from IgE-mediated ones (which may include anaphylaxis). OP’s child is rightly under the care of a paediatrician and a dietitian for this.

@Ghostcushion
I am a paediatric dietitian and I have worked with countless CMPA families, so I understand how terrible this situation is. I am so sorry that you have such an unsupportive husband and frankly, a vindictive MIL.

Previous posters have given you their opinion on what to do next etc. and I’ll give some advice too.

As a professional, my advice to you is: for the safety of your daughter, 1) never leave her in the care of MIL again and 2) advise your husband that if healthcare professionals become aware that your child has been/will be in the care of someone who is intentionally taking steps to go against medical advice (which will jeopardize her health) that there is a very real possibility of a safeguarding referral being made which is often not a pleasant experience for a family to go through. It may sound like an overreaction but if HCPs know that family members are willing to risk making your child ill, that is a serious concern.

I wish you all of the best in dealing with this difficult situation!

edited to add: since you are under the paediatrician and dietitian, you will at some point have to explain where you are at on the milk ladder and what/when/where milk exposure occurred and the context of it. Therein you’d be stating that MIL deliberately goes against advice and gives milk containing food / “doesnt check labels” / refuses to give milk-free food which you have provided. That situation there could lead you down a safeguarding route if the HCP deems it enough of a risk to your child’s health.

Your Mil is a bitch and if she's given your child milk a dangerous one ! No more unsupervised childcare as you can't be sure your daughter will be safe Husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to her He needs to be a better husband and definitely a better father by protecting his Dds health not pleasing his Mummy

It does make things more precarious. My ex IL never particularly like me, early on then DH didn't have a bar of it, but over time it did effect things and when things got bad between us he had them there reinforcing the whole idea it was all me in the wrong. It can undermine the relationship if they're constantly listening to negative views about you.

Will your partner take the baby to in laws when he visits alone? This vould be a dangerous situation. Also has mil from hell got a husband? I imagine he's a hen pecked little man

I wouldn’t leave my child there again. My youngest was the same with milk and gluten. (16 years later still is the same) People didn’t see the pain we’d go through at home with blood poos, screaming all night,vomiting, weight loss. It’s so not worth it!
It’s not funny for the child or parents. I’d make your partner step up. It’s his job as a dad to do what’s right for his child.