MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

Just to update toddler has been fine as far as I can see. We will do the milk ladder again soon but that’s our choice, she needs to have been milk free from 6 months from last try. My nephew didn’t grow out of his till age 7 and he still has to watch the amount. I fully believe it’s something you have for life as my partner vomits if he has too much.

You left your daughter with your MIL to cope with any reactiom? and you don’t know how your daughter was affected by the milk? Haven’t asked? Think your MIL will either have been proved right and has had no problem- or she will have experIenced a reaction and not do it again

The fact she was fine is a relief but not relevant to how horrendously you MIL has behaved. Hugely ignorant behaviour.

@Ghostcushion have the doctor's looked into other things as well as milk allergy? Just with you saying DD has eczema and DS having asthma, these are both autoimmune. I have Crohn's disease and suffered with eczema and psoriasis as a child. My Dad and son had asthma and we've all suffered with stomach problems, can't have a lot of milk. It might be worth exploring?
Good luck with the MIL situation, must be infuriating

No we picked her up the morning after the dinner and she told me at that point.

Im sorry your MiL behaves this way and has chosen to put your daughters health at risk to get one up on you. As many others have said no unsupervised contact. I would be telling the specialists what she did too. Might it affect when you can start the milk ladder again?
Re your husband perhaps some relationship counselling to help you both put on a united front against the MIL? A neutral person (the councillor) can explain to your husband that his behaviour is not normal and equip him with the tools to stand up to her. I would sell it as your Mum has put our daughter at risk and taken pleasure in it (the smirk) we need to talk to someone who can help us understand this behaviour.
Good luck

As a mother of a milk allergy child myself, this horrified me. My son’s grandparents were/are always so careful when they looked after him. It must be so hurtful that she behaves like this. Like it’s more important that she gets one over on you and “proves” her way is right, than the health and welfare of her own grandchild. I’m furious for you.

Yep well she has only just cemented my belief that she’s a nasty piece of work underneath this mask of innocence.

My son is 12 and still hasn’t grown out of it, or got past step one of the ladder. His reactions are pretty much instant though ( he is iGe)

I had a read last night on narcissism. Sounds similar, using people as a means to proving their own superiority. It is dangerous not being able to see people as a whole with their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. She has exploited my daughter and she is bloody lucky it didn’t cause a reaction as my approach of quietly backing right off would have been different and I’d have caused a scene.

I would be telling this woman to her face that since she is clearly willing to gamble your childs health by ignoring important rules regarding allergens that she will not be trusted to look after them in the future. I would tell her in front of DH and I would stick to that. Enough is enough. You should tell your DH he needs to man up, this was not an accident it was neglect at best. Ask him how he would feel if your child had got seriously unwell, ask him if he would have risked it ?
My kids have Tree nut allergy, this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Your child is not a pawn in her game. Tell your DH how you feel and dont give her the opportunity to do this again.

No she absolutely won’t be. None of us are which is probably why I get ignored. Unfortunately my partner very much is but that’s his choice. I had a conversation the other week to my eldest about how our thoughts are not always true. Someone should have that chat with her. Just because we think something doesn’t mean it’s true and certainly doesn’t mean we act on it.

To be honest OP, you should really have caused a scene. And put a massive new boundary in place.

This could have made your DC very ill. It could mean you can’t start the milk ladder again on schedule.

Please stop letting your H and MIL fob you off about this particular thing. Fuck anything else. This is one battle you have to win.

I would send them both a msg on WhatsApp or something like this ‘Just to let you know, I am very concerned that you let DC eat food that may have contained milk. We will have to mention this to specialists regarding the milk ladder. This could then be escalated. While your attitude to this remains so careless, DC will not be left unattended with you again. I hope that is clear. Sorry if you are upset but I have to put the health of DC before keeping the peace, and if you aren’t prepared to put DC health first, you can’t be trusted.’

Now they both get to read it and noone can pretend it didn’t happen.

You have to read the riot act to your H. And if he won’t step up to protect his DC, you’ll have a big decision to make. I would literally be saying to him, ‘At this point H, you need to make a decision. What comes first. Your child’s health or your mum’s feelings? Because if it isn’t your child, this ends now’

Tell him straight.

THIS 100%

This is abusive behaviour @Ghostcushion, deliberately giving your child something that she knows will cause harm, going against your wishes is one thing, but to ignore a bloody allergy is horrific!!

I could never speak to this woman again and she wouldn’t be seeing my child ever again either..

But she didn’t know it would cause harm, she did it because she firmly believes that it would not cause harm. She is delusional not deliberately trying to hurt her.

But surely you’ve told her about the pain DC has been in after having milk?

Has anyone pointed out to her that milk intolerance is likely what made your H cry in pain as a baby?

Delusional or not, the result is the same. She is not safe to be with DC.

Yeah she knows all about it but she thinks it’s over anxious parenting and it’s all nonsense. She was sent with all the meals and snacks she needed so I didn’t think anything would happen. Apparently bubba was asking for their dinner so she just gave it because it’s all nonsense anyway.

His parents are no nonsense people. Don’t do emotions, think mental health and all that is stupid nonsense. All you ever hear from them is to just get on with it, get over it, why think about it blah blah. All these allergies are stupid and getting out of hand.

If Dh is willing, give him a litre of milk to drink, outside his mums house, then you drive away with DC whilst he ‘pops in’. Make sure he knows not to be more than 3ft away from her, preferably sitting next to each other on the sofa (the newer the better) or at least standing on carpet.
Least he can do in the circumstances.

Well I would say it is deliberate then.

She thinks she knows best. Another ignorant person who thinks they know better than people who have specialised for years.

But regardless OP, the result is the same. She is not to be trusted. You need to be loud about this. Only you seem to have DC’s health as a priority here. You will have to step up on this one. Good luck. She sounds horrible but you’ve gone past the point of keeping the peace now. This situation does not warrant the peace being kept.

This is a good point

I would not be using her for childcare at present and agree there are bigger problems here, however it may be a good thing if she did tolerate a small amount

Have you had the skin prick tests for dairy?

Make your mind up. One minute you say she knows but doesn’t want to believe it and then you say she doesn’t know!

She knows the situation but she doesn’t believe it. So when she is giving the food she is fully deluded that what she thinks is fact. She would probably blame any reaction on something else if she had had one because in her head it’s not real.

But surely DH knows it’s real? I would let the professional know in your next meeting, and ensure that DH is listening/gets told off.