MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

I without a doubt think she wants to create a situation for my partner where it’s me against her and she anticipates winning. I will not play into this, he is free to have whatever relationship he wishes with her. I will not speak ill of her to him, I just won’t speak that much at all.

Sorry, but this is just not on. You NEED to tell your partner, argument or not. This is your CHILD'S health on the line. I'd take the old boot to your daughter's next appointment with her dietician and let them explain how bad milk is for her granddaughter.

Just remind her though, in no uncertain terms, that the child is yours NOT hers. And, just in case she runs to your partner with a lot of lies, record the conversation.

When it’s her kids she can do what she wants… but your kid, you grew them, you know them best, your rules or no visits.

Gotta advocate for your child on this one. She’s dangerous.

And THIS is why she does it.

I wouldn’t leave her again and if by chance she says those things to you again when your
other half isn’t around try to get it recorded on your phone. You should tell him. She will just keep ignoring your wishes but if you both say the same it may be different.

I feel your pain here, I have very similar issues with my MIL. We have a 1 year old. I’ve decided that in our case it’s very much the need for her to feel in control, have one up on me, or to prove how motherly she is, or that she’s a better and more experienced mother than me . Not sure why. Friends have had similar scenarios. Distance is the only thing that has seemed to help , although they don’t live far away so it is hard to keep the distance to a comfortable level .

This is as bad as one parent using a child to get at the other parent. Abusive and of a child that can't speak for themselves.

Record when around her and play back to your DH. If he still sides with his mother and thinks it's OK to put his child in danger then I'd be saying 'OK you can have her.' Leave and don't come back. I'd then ask for advice about how to report MIL for child endangerment. Practically attempted murder.

Had similar with my MIL. She’s always been overbearing, rude about our life, judgemental and her opinion the only opinion… you get my drift. Anyway my daughter was on antibiotics for what had been an awful ear infection, last but one day. I’d left my daughter with MIL so I could work, when I returned she told me she’d not given the two doses of A/Bs as my daughter was better…. Anyone who’s not a complete moron knows you must complete the course however well you feel!!! I was angry & told her so.
personally, I think a discussion with the dietician, who will most definitly be on your side, let your MIL know, and point out that she could have caused serious harm. She’s gone against your wishes. Your husband also needs to stand up to his awful mother. Why is this your dilemma?? She sounds horrible

Not quite the same but many years ago my dc were very young and vegetarian(when we moved 3 streets away) .. Mil smugly told me they would eat meat when she had them. So she never did. Ever. Until me and dh divorced anyway...

Maybe you could say something along the lines of, "As dds parent I cannot leave her in the care of someone who doesn't follow the medical advice we've been given and may cause her harm, as I am ultimately responsible for her." That's the truth of the situation.

The answer is obvious: she doesn't get to spend unsupervised time with her grandchild anymore. There's no ifs, ands or buts, it's NO (and, TBH, if it were me, she wouldn't be spending ANY time with her, supervised or not!). And if your husband won't support you, then you have more of a problem there than with the MIL! You're his wife, the mother of his child and you and your daughter should be his number one priority. If he won't put you first, AND back you up when you need him too, he's not worth keeping around, IMO. Oh, and I would start having my phone on record, in my pocket, every time you have an interaction with MIL from now on.

what I’ve come to understand is that she has done quiet a job on him over his lifetime.
I have to say in the years we have been together he has come away from her quite a lot and is a lot more independent which has been nice. But they all think that she is lovely and I’m struggling to see this as she is pretty awful to me. Nice people are not nice to some and awful to others. I don’t think I’ll get far trying to convince him of anything, I just have to protect my kids cleverly.

I’m not sure why these things pop up on my email but they do and they upset me because you young women are so lacking in empathy.
I have 4 grandchildren, 2 DILs.
One has embraced us as grandparents from day 1, the other seems to think we’re incapable and undesirable.
I have always followed the parents rules with all of them but the more geographically distant DIL has done everything to deny us the opportunity to bond with our grandchildren. She manipulates my son so that he believes it must be our fault.
Result is we have 2 grandchildren we adore and who adore us. We win through the enjoyment of our family, DIL wins because we are readily available to help out and make her life a little easier. We have 2 other grandchildren we love but are distant strangers compared with her parents who see them all the time and have 2 week holidays with them every year as well ( she refuses to ever spend more than 2 nights with us)
I would just like you all to remember 2 things:

1. if you have sons you might have DILs one day.
2. You married the child we raised so we must have done something right!!

@Grannyandmotherinlaw (giving you the benefit of presuming you are not on a wind-up mission): the granny in this thread did not follow the medical protocol for her grandchild. It was the parents’ rules for medical reasons. The Granny smirked when she told the mum she had given the child milk. The mum had even given her all the food needed - there was absolutely no need for her to give the child milk-laden products. This is a pattern of behaviour that is repeated from the granny. It’s the granny that’s lacking in empathy, common sense and her actions could have potentially been dangerous to her own grandchild.
Read the thread.

@Grannyandmotherinlaw have you read the op's posts?

The mil has knowingly given the child something he is allergic to despite actual medical advice seemingly out of spite to the OP.

Your situation sounds tough, but isn't really relevant to the OP's problem which essentially involves her needing to safeguard her child.

You shouldn’t be saying anything. Your spouse needs to deal with their mother. What does your spouse say about it?

It’s just more negative, negative, negative. Any excuse to exclude us from your lives. Mother in law =evil. I’m completely sick of it. You’re all so precious! We were young once and, I repeat, we brought up your husbands quite successfully.
This is the wrong forum for me. Does anyone know of an anti DIL forum I can join?
No, I guess not because the internet belongs to the young.
I actually had suicidal thoughts when I was not allowed to push my first grandchild’s pram or even watch the pram outside a shop while she popped in for a couple of things. (we all had to go into a tiny shop with the pram). It’s getting slowly better now that my son is allowed to see us with the children but without her.
I repeat, I have one DILvwho trusts us completely. __

@Grannyandmotherinlaw oh that’s sad. My MIL is unfortunately not you. I would hope that if one of your grandchildren had an allergy you wouldn’t give them it then laugh. My partners grandparents are absolutely lovely and so are my great aunties and uncles. Unfortunately the mum has never liked me. When I miscarried she said it was for the best. She wanted someone different for her son but it’s never been her choice, it’s his. Not much I can do if she doesn’t want me in the family. I’ve invited to endless parties and dinners but she isn’t interested in a relationship just to prove I’m not good enough for the family.

My point was not about the actions of this particular MIL who I would never emulate but about the many, many vitriolic comments suggesting saying ‘my MIL is like that too’ Only if you read their reasons it’s probably about automatically judging MIL as having evil intent rather than their actual actions.
One eg, we recently saw our more distant grandchildren with our son but without DIL The youngest was having a mega meltdown so I suggested Daddy left the room whereupon the volume of screaming quickly diminished and I was able to talk him down and have a cuddle. NOT because I think lI’m a better mother or whatever else you’ve all been saying but because he was winding up Daddy and really doesn’t care much about me.
Had DIL been around I would probably have kept well out of it but if I had tried to help it would have been me interfering, imposing my antiquated child rearing ideas on them etc etc etc.
I’m leaving this site now I don’t really do social media and this has reminded me why.
I would just ask you to sometimes put yourselves in their shoes. You may well be walking in them in a few years time!

Surely you see how your situation is nothing to do with OPs though? You've hijacked her thread to bang on about the issues you're having, which are no help what so ever with her situation. You've just made it all about you, even when OP extremely politely explained that this is not some sort of MIL-bashing forum. Nobody is having "a go" at you by the way, we're just trying to explain that you've got your wires crossed somewhere.

You are being very dramatic and taking the OP's thread very personally, even though you are not in the same situation.

The OP's MIL is ignoring medical advice on purpose and risks harming her grandchild. Do you do this? If not, this thread isn't about you.

If you had suicidal thoughts because you were not allowed to push your first grandchild's pram, I think you should seek some medical advice or counselling as that is not a normal reaction.

I think Gransnet is pretty anti-DIL so maybe give it a try.

I actually had suicidal thoughts when I was not allowed to push my first grandchild’s pram or even watch the pram outside a shop while she popped in for a couple of things.

Christ. Dramatic much??

It’s true that children who grow up with mums that exclude their dad’s side end up doing the same to them when they have kids. I’ve seen it so often - even daughters end up choosing partners with large functional extended families and before you know it they realise their own mums were damaged.

I've always made it very clear that being a part of my children's life is a privilege. One set of grandparents no longer have that privilege. The children are happy and healthy knowing that I will always protect them, even (especially) from their own family.

Well, if I looked after any of my 5 GCs, I abided by any medical advice. . But, unless I’ve missed it, did the child actually suffer any ill effects from eating the pie? 🤔