MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

Some of these MILS drive me crazy when I read about them. They think they know what is best or do not want to listen to you. She has put your daughter in a potentially dangerous situation. If she can't be trusted with something so serious such as allergy and not listening I'd keep daughter away from her or have supervised visits wither her

I can become very withdrawn around this type of person but I have a friend who does the killing with kindness/living well is the best revenge approach.
It is like poetry in motion and can really disarm. It doesn’t mean she likes them or puts up with poor treatment, but it absolutely confuses them.

You need to sort out your spineless pathetic husband.
And NC with your unhinged abusive MIL

Is it possible you're taking it the wrong way?
If you're not. You need to find alternative childcare arrangements.

While it's a relief that your toddler appears to be fine, you say she needs to be milk free for 6 months from the last try.

If your MiL gave her pie and there was milk in the ingredients, does that reset the clock from that time to when you can try the milk ladder again?

It’s totally disrespectful to you and your husband that she would put your child at risk regardless of what she “thinks”. Your husband needs to man up and get his mother under control!

Well at least I know my reaction was warranted as I think the majority agreed she isn’t a safe person for whatever the reason. I haven’t spoken to her and she hasn’t spoken to me since. It will be months now. She didn’t even wish us on our anniversary which Is becoming a theme. I used to think maybe she is busy and forgot but I’m starting to think she either doesn’t care or doesn’t want to wish us.

So she's aware of the issue and consequences, but chose to ignore it and make a child ill to get one over - so she's obviously a whack-job and abusive !

You can’t be that thick? She doesn’t like you. And she’s evil.

I guess I am that thick. Or should I say I’ve never met someone like this. I have no idea how to take her.

@Ghostcushion you need to play this smarter, otherwise your husband will end up choosing his mother over you, you’ll get divorced, and she’ll hand unsupervised access to your children.

You need to show her that you know her game, and you’ll take her on if need be.

How do you take take someone like this on. Most people are taken in by her. The rest have long gone and pushed so far out they have no influence.

Why are you worried what she thinks if this is the way she treats you and your daughter ? If this were me, it would be a cold day in hell before she would have unsupervised access to my child again.

You don’t “take them on” as that’s what they want. It’s all a game to her.

Drop the rope. Don’t communicate with her, don’t see her, pretend she doesn’t exist.

This. If OP feels unable to advocate properly for her daughter, then the obvious alternative is to stay away and keep the child away - absolutely no unsupervised access.

You tell her you see her. You know what she’s doing. She is not having unsupervised access to your children, and as they get older, your children will be told what a dysfunctional awful person she is. All out of earshot of anyone else. Play her at her own game.

IgE mediated or not,if your mil knows your dd is milk intolerate or allergic she knows the rules, no milk,milk proteins or dairy products.
Let’s hope she soon can tolerate milk products/proteins,and until she can, then no more unsupervised visits to this grandmother.
Maybe a letter from the paediatrician which is sent to the GP might help her to understand?

Honestly the more I read the more I think she is a narcissist. She thinks she is superior. I’m going to leave her to it. I’m pretty much excluded from the family and I’m pretty sure she has spread rumours about me anyway. I will just concentrate on the people I have in my life who are real and supportive.

Is she okay?

Do not leave her at your MIL’s house without you present ever again. She seems like a (blank).

What she did was extend the chance you could stop being so careful about milk but postponing your next text to see how she does.

He isn’t engaging his mom and that might be best depending on why she is such a jerk. You giving her a reaction also might be what she craves. She may be a lovely woman in public places. Most everyone has some issue or character flaw. But she is being a jerk in this instance. Poor woman. Problem with mental stuff so much more complicated than a physical issue.

What she did was confirm she doesn’t give 2 shits about my kids. Didn’t bother to visit my oldest for her birthday and now this. I don’t think she has much empathy at all. No normal person would risk potential pain on a 2 year old kid who can’t even tell you. I’ve developed this I can’t f’ing stand her attitude this past few days. I’m going to keep as far away as possible and develop my healthy relationships

Spent some time around some young DC in OP’s family today, one the same age as your lovely DC who has these issues with milk. This DC also did and I spoke to her mum about it. Her older DC can eat/drink with no restrictions but she is really careful with the youngest who has been to hospital for tests and remains under their care.
I asked if she ever had issues with anyone trying to give her youngest milk and the answer was a resounding no, OP. All relatives including grandparents are very informed, and having seen how poorly this little one can get they are keen to keep her well.
She’s never had a problem with anyone.
What would happen if your DC had a nut allergy? Would she insist on peanut butter and then say ‘oops’ as your DC struggled for breath?
On reflection, I think this MIL isn’t just old school ‘I know best’ she’s dangerous. And I think your DH needs to step up, because she’s clearly intent on causing harm.
You carry on building your own life, with supportive people who respect you. This woman isn’t fit to be a grandmother she’s an absolute disgrace.
Please be rest assured that any mum in your position would be upset and that even us ‘oldies’ do actually keep up with the times and are glad to provide appropriate care.

Yes something is not right with her.

Is she broke, far away, introverted?

A lot of us appreciate our MILs better.

Everyone in my family or friends have panicked about may contain alone. Nobody wants to be the one who accidentally gave her milk let alone outwardly say you’re done it on purpose. It took me an evening to realise you did what and you had a little giggle about it. I don’t buy this bull shit that it just my mum being my mum nonsense. She’s obviously got away with her behaviour for a long time (well apart from with the ones she’s completely pushed out).