Why would this family member behave so un-compassionately?

[Teaandshortcake]

It’s my partners parents. The mum makes all the decisions and the dad is easy going and goes along with everything she says.

She is just the most void person when it comes to giving support or showing empathy I’ve ever met. For example her step mum has developed cancer (she has been in her life since a teenager) she makes every excuse to not visit or offer support to even her elderly father whilst he takes his wife for chemo etc. His mum will book holidays and just disappear. She does the same for all occasions where she would need to offer empathy. For example disappeared on holiday when grandchildren are born. Her go to is oh I don’t want to make anyone sick. But she isn’t sick and it’s just an excuse.

We have a child going through ASD referral with extremely challenging behaviour and they are nowhere to been seen. No offers of any support, no visits, no messages to ask how we are doing. She has been told we are struggling as a family whilst we wait for the referral to go through and it’s literally like the struggle doesn’t exist. If you do see her she won’t mention the issue, she will completely ignore that you are going through something.

Ive never met a person who was so one track minded. She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

I hate to say it but do people just not have empathy and cover it up by making really shitty excuses. When really she either doesn’t care or maybe doesn’t know what to do? It’s really hard to portray it but a family member could literally be dead and she would be carrying on as normal, no sign of distress just robotic happy.

That has nothing to do with my comment. I repeat:

I really think you might benefit from some sort of counselling. You’re obsessing about this and have referred to repetitive thoughts. Perhaps speak to your GP? Professional support will probably be more helpful than repeatedly posting on Mumsnet and ignoring the responses you don’t like.

I’ve actually had a couple of really insightful private messages that have helped a great deal. It’s easy to sit and tell a person to repeatedly get help and ignore the actual question asked. I’m not looking for being repeatedly told to go and seek help. I am in a really confusing situation that I’m seeking perspectives over. I am entitled to not like people’s responses as much as people are entitled to write them or get fed up and disappear.

It’s also easy to repeatedly and obsessively ask the same question, over and over again, and ignore 90% of the advice.

I answered your question. As have others, multiple times. You didn’t engage with said answers (which were basically ‘leave it alone’), as you didn’t like them, so now I’m saying you should get help.

The situation isn’t confusing. Nobody other than you is confused.

I'm autistic.

It's not that I don't feel empathy but I don't show it immediately in the way that a lot of NT people expect, which seems to me to be, in many cases, pointless words that achieve nothing. And I'm not really sure what the right words to say are.

I would also check my diary and not make a commitment to help someone because I don't like letting people down so I won't commit to something I might not be able to fulfill. This is greater when the person asking is more 'senstivie' or emotionally driven because it feels very intense and I don't want to get it wrong so I just remove myself from the equation.

For me, there's a very fine line between something being too immediate and not having the chance to process and prepare for it and something being so far in advance I worry about it and feeling increasingly less able to do it. And that includes things that are supposed to be fun. I need to know about things well in advance but be able to decide at the last minute ideally.

I'd also much rather be asked to do something specific rather than just a generalised 'be there' or 'can you help' type request because then I can plan the logistics in my head beforehand. Otherwise, I don't know what to do and end up feeling 'stuck' because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Am I supposed to decide what help they need and offer to do that? Or wait for them to ask? Should i always be available or can i do other things? How do I know exactly when they need that help? Is it actually going to help them or is it just inconvenient? (I prefer to do things myself because I find other peoples offers of help to be just one more thing I have to manage).

My youngest child moved to university recently and I really struggled during the month before she went. Not because I was going to miss her (I don't) but because of making sure we had everything sorted and planned, packed, prepared before the moving day. People keep asking me if I miss her and I don't. I will look forward to seeing her when she visits but I don't understand 'missing' someone. It feels like an utterly pointless exercise than benefits no one and achieves nothing. But I made endless lists, and written plans and even a diagram in the month running up to her going.

It felt very chaotic.

I don't know if that's helpful or even a perspective but it is my experience. A lot of real life and what other people consider to he 'normal' is overwhelming and confusing if you're ND. You're constantly not quite living up to other people's expectations yet are unable to anticipate any of those expectations or even really understand them. So you never know whether you're getting it right or not and it's far easier (and mentally more comfortable) to remove yourself and let others get on with it.

I remember the first time someone told me a close relative had died. I just said "Oh" and carried on with the previous conversation. It was about 3 or 4 days later that I realised was supposed to say something else. And now I know what to say so I do but I don't feel anything at the time or at all really.

But I feel huge almost physically painful empathy when I see people with only a few items of food in their shopping trolley. Even though I have no idea why. It's a horrible feeling and why I very rarely do the shopping in my house.

I know people like this. They just don't want to deal with anything sad or stressful.
I once told my mum I'd had a miscarriage, another time I'd been raped, and another time I'd split up from my marriage and she'll just make a small comment and then change the subject onto something smaller.
It means I never confide in her about anything.
She's perfectly nice and positive and gives hugs etc
It's weird but some people just have a mental block with this stuff