Why would this family member behave so un-compassionately?

[Teaandshortcake]

It’s my partners parents. The mum makes all the decisions and the dad is easy going and goes along with everything she says.

She is just the most void person when it comes to giving support or showing empathy I’ve ever met. For example her step mum has developed cancer (she has been in her life since a teenager) she makes every excuse to not visit or offer support to even her elderly father whilst he takes his wife for chemo etc. His mum will book holidays and just disappear. She does the same for all occasions where she would need to offer empathy. For example disappeared on holiday when grandchildren are born. Her go to is oh I don’t want to make anyone sick. But she isn’t sick and it’s just an excuse.

We have a child going through ASD referral with extremely challenging behaviour and they are nowhere to been seen. No offers of any support, no visits, no messages to ask how we are doing. She has been told we are struggling as a family whilst we wait for the referral to go through and it’s literally like the struggle doesn’t exist. If you do see her she won’t mention the issue, she will completely ignore that you are going through something.

Ive never met a person who was so one track minded. She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

I hate to say it but do people just not have empathy and cover it up by making really shitty excuses. When really she either doesn’t care or maybe doesn’t know what to do? It’s really hard to portray it but a family member could literally be dead and she would be carrying on as normal, no sign of distress just robotic happy.

Mine has 2 kids. She does get on better with the other son but that’s more because he is like her. And 4 grandchildren. She has more interest in her 2 older ones.

She has definitely upset me with some of the comments she has made. It has made me feel totally pointless so being in her company doesn’t make me feel good.

It's possible but it seems less likely.

I think she just sounds quite avoidant. My mum is like this. I’m as certain as I can be about anything that she is not ND. She just can’t handle emotions that are overwhelming. It’s not all emotions. She’s right in there if the neighbours husband passes away. She used to be a hospice volunteer and worked with bereaved families. She involves herself in all sorts of gossip and drama.

But anyone close to her feels an emotion, mainly negative ones, happy emotions are fine. And she is outta there. I got upset with her about something really horrible she did once and she literally disappeared for 3 months. Didn’t hear from her. No idea where she was. I won’t let my dc have sweets and they have a tantrum, cue complete shutdown.

She is simply really emotionally avoidant because of, I suspect, a lot of unresolved trauma. She learned early on that closing down negative emotions pleased other people and kept her safe, and that’s how she operates no matter how damaging it is to people close to her.

My in-laws are like this, they’re generally nice people, but they can’t cope with anything negative, especially with death and loss.

With my FIL, I suspect it’s rooted in losing his Dad as a child (he died from lung cancer). He can’t cope with losing people, he has to run away from grief. Perhaps your MIL is similar, she can’t cope with illness so she runs away from it?

“Yes it could be. She is very good at leading. She has always been the heads of committees. She is always the person arranging dinners. She does have good relationships with a select number of her family. I suspect they are safe relationships, they aren’t really relationships where empathy is required.”

DD is similar: very strong on organisational things which don’t require emotional connection. She has a few strong female friendships now because her diagnosis has allowed understanding on both sides but she mostly gravitates to boys because - broadly speaking - the topics of conversation tend to be less emotionally charged/nuanced and much easier for her to navigate.

It’s not just illness it’s everything, even births which are meant to be amazing and happy events. They don’t seem to mean anything to her. She bought us wet wipes for the birth of our daughter and one sleepsuit for her first birthday. An event most nanny’s spoil over are of no interest to her. She came and left with little change.

all of her grandkids are girls, she absolutely struggles to connect.

Not having children, I can't really offer anything on how I'd feel about them or interact with them if I did, but I can say that in my experience it's commonplace for mothers and grandmothers to show a slight preference for one adult child and one set of grandchildren over another, even if it's subtle and not intentional, and the ones who manage to show no preference at all and keep everything completely fair and even are the rarity.

In my family it's the more needy and dependent adult children who have the favoured grandchildren, but I think that's as more a consequence of the adult children still spending more time around the grandparents due to never having really become fully independent, and therefore the grandparents spending more time with those grandchildren as it is anything malicious on the Grandparents part. But that's just my family and no doubt others are different.

But I want to hammer home the part about her behaviour not meaning she doesn't care. She may love your family. But the active caring part is the part she will struggle with. She will also want to feel it from others as much as any neurotypical person, but doing it herself won't come naturally.

I understand that she's not showing socially acceptable behaviour.

You might want to reflect that your child who is undergoing the process for an ASD assessment may also struggle to show socially acceptable behaviour.

You object to her only bringing wet wipes etc and not being excited about the births. You may well need to navigate in future the anxiety and upset of your child when they don't know what's socially acceptable and are excluded as a result.

If she is Autistic or has some form of u diagnosed neurodivergence she would have not had an easy life at all and has found a way to manage herself and he life a certain way to cope.
Being in control is part of her way to manage life.
I can guarantee if she is ASD none of this behavioir is malicious or meant to harm, in fact she probably tries her best to not upset you if you can believe that.

Not really. Step parents are often forced on children and quite often there’s no emotional attachment on either side. As adults it’s a form of freedom to not have them in your life anymore, same way step parents can’t wait for SC to grow up and fly the nest.

It’s a relief all round when you virtually exit each others lives.

She probably brought wet wipes for a very logical reason, perhaps she used to find herself running out of them when she had her babies and doesn't want that to happen for you.
Honestly it isn't a lack of effort or consideration.

I get that totally but what about me and our children. We haven’t done anything.

But that was it. She hadn’t even written in the card. She booked a holiday so wasn’t around to support us. I was very unwell and my mum had to step up and support us with the older child.

Why though? I agree with @XDownwiththissortofthingX. I like to spend my time around people I choose to have in my life and who choose me, and doing things I enjoy. Being related to someone doesn’t guarantee you’ll get on as people or enjoy spending time together.

For some people, that deep relationship with family members exists because they have stuff in common and like each other, and that’s great, but for others it’s an obligatory chore. It doesn’t sound like you and this woman have ever got to know each other so why would she feel like she should see you? As for not seeing your kid, perhaps she isn’t into kids. I can’t see that she’s doing anything wrong, she just isn’t conforming to what you think is acceptable behaviour when it comes to families.

Why do you care so much, OP? She’s not your mum, she’s always been like this (so it’s not as though you’re missing something that has been withdrawn) and you aren’t required to engage with her. So why is it so upsetting to you that a woman with whom you have little or nothing to do has no interest in you?

I think if you acknowledge someone’s right not to function as a part of a family, you also acknowledge they’ve failed their family.

OP, you’re never going to get the parents you want. Doesn’t matter whether SM/DF is an arsehole or autistic, you’ve been let down in time of need. It’s horrible. It’s life.

Grieve, and learn from it. No eldercare for you, hooray.

We just wrote extremely similar posts at the same time. 🤣

It’s probably not done with any ill intent. I agree with others that she sounds ND. She may also feel that after masking for the outside world she doesn’t have the energy to do it within her own family.

Not behaving in a socially acceptable way is something you’re going to need more understanding and acceptance of if your DC is also ND.

It’s just hard having grandparents that aren’t interested in your children. I’m supporting fully my daughter and yes I can see similarities. I just wish she had the support of her grandparents and not people avoiding us.

I agree with @StormingNorman. It’s hard when grandparents aren’t interested in their grandchildren, we struggle with the same thing, but you can’t change people.

It’s just hard having grandparents that aren’t interested in your children.

Why? Hard in what way, exactly?

Having involved grandparents is nice, and they can be super helpful, but I wouldn’t say their lack is a massive factor in most people’s lives. It’s just life, no? Some people have present grandparents, some people’s grandparents died before they even met them, some people only see theirs at Christmas, and so on. I wouldn’t describe any of those situations as ‘hard’

It took me decades to discover how very different people are. All people, in all sorts of ways. There isn't a standard human being, only norms representing parts of human behaviour that are shared by many.

It can be quite a shock to find that someone's very different from you in some way that's a core part of your personality and of most people you know. It doesn't mean either of you is wrong or broken, as long as both your lives roll along reasonably peacefully.

We have diagnoses and labels for personality types that differ strongly from the norm - but they're only appropriate and useful when the person's differences make it extremely hard for them to function in 'normal' society. It sounds as if DP's mum functions just fine and she's content.

If she were deeply distressed by her personality, or laying waste to the lives of those around her, she might be diagnosed with some form of ASD, psychopathy, schizoid disorder, or a bunch of other possibilities including a brain injury. These things occur on a spectrum; if the person isn't malfunctioning, they don't need a diagnosis.

Interestingly, some of the very sparse research on people who can't feel pain has found they're also immune to emotional pain and are seen by their friends as exceptionally calm. (This also occurs on a spectrum.)

One of my best friends was with me when I went into very premature labour. I asked her to help me get to the hospital. That's when I found out she can't handle anything to do with other people's illness and can't even stand the thought of blood, let alone helping to deal with it. She's still great, though, so I simply reclassified her as "great friend, do not involve in health issues".

How did your DP find his mum growing up? Does he feel an absence with her these days, or not really?