Why would this family member behave so un-compassionately?

[Teaandshortcake]

It’s my partners parents. The mum makes all the decisions and the dad is easy going and goes along with everything she says.

She is just the most void person when it comes to giving support or showing empathy I’ve ever met. For example her step mum has developed cancer (she has been in her life since a teenager) she makes every excuse to not visit or offer support to even her elderly father whilst he takes his wife for chemo etc. His mum will book holidays and just disappear. She does the same for all occasions where she would need to offer empathy. For example disappeared on holiday when grandchildren are born. Her go to is oh I don’t want to make anyone sick. But she isn’t sick and it’s just an excuse.

We have a child going through ASD referral with extremely challenging behaviour and they are nowhere to been seen. No offers of any support, no visits, no messages to ask how we are doing. She has been told we are struggling as a family whilst we wait for the referral to go through and it’s literally like the struggle doesn’t exist. If you do see her she won’t mention the issue, she will completely ignore that you are going through something.

Ive never met a person who was so one track minded. She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

I hate to say it but do people just not have empathy and cover it up by making really shitty excuses. When really she either doesn’t care or maybe doesn’t know what to do? It’s really hard to portray it but a family member could literally be dead and she would be carrying on as normal, no sign of distress just robotic happy.

She sounds like a cold fish. Not much you can do about it though.

How does your husband feel about his mum and their relationship? Is he happy with this arms-length situation or does he want more closeness?

But she isn’t cold to selected people or strangers?

Yes they’re your children but they’re ADULTS. You. Are. An. Adult. The other grandparent was there to support you, how difficult is that to understand? Why did you need MIL there too? Parents of ADULT children have lives, It’s not hard to comprehend, we go off and live our lives because our children are grown ups. We gave them the tools to be independent and be an adult, that’s what parents do. We don’t hang around doing nothing waiting on the phone to ring if one of our children needs support. On that note, what “support” are you expecting because YOUR MOTHER WAS THERE. Stop with the bloody pity party and pull your big girl pants on and tell your DH to pull his big boy superman pants on. Jesus Christ you’re hard work OP. You would utterly despise me as a MIL because we spend probably 6/7 months abroad each year.

I can’t support you in the birth of your child because my need to go away trumps you

The woman has a right to make her own decisions, to go away.

We are struggling, their son is struggling. He has asked for support but they don’t support their own child. That’s what I’m saying.

What kind of support and help do you want though, like exactly what do you and your DH need? Maybe you need to expressly ask for the kind of help you want. Is it just a listening ear or more practical help? I have ASD and I would need you to spell it out, even then I might not have the capacity to help out in the way you want. I find it incredibly difficult and stressful listening to my parents problems for example. It drains me so I have to limit contact and keep calls brief. They would like me to support them/listen to their health woes 7 days a week and I can't do that without losing my mind.

This. And none of it means anyone is necessarily neuro anything. 🤷‍♀️

Not sure why anyone needs to change holiday plans over a C-Section either. 🙄

This advice has been given to OP 1000 times over on numerous threads about her in laws, MIL and SIL in particular, which all follow the same theme.

Op if your child is going through an asd referral would you not assume there’s a link? My brother has asd, I have soooooooooo many traits of it as does mum and other bro

@EdgarAllanCrow You’re right, you can’t change people.

You still aren’t explaining yourself. You say it’s not childcare you’re after. And you can’t go to dinner parties or on holiday if your child is struggling. What exactly is support and help. What do you want from her. Detail it. As it is impossible to work out what you want. You say your partner asked for support, your mum is supporting you.

in what way exactly?

The holiday was booked to deliberately not be available. It was booked right after giving her the date. It’s very different to it being a coincidence. And before you say it wasn’t deliberate, it was. I just couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to be available for your sons first baby, she’s only 10 mins away.

Oh, dear. Useful info, thanks. In that case, she's doomed to a lifetime of being upset that other people aren't the same as her

Thanks for this. I won’t waste any more time on the thread

So before I waste my time does this person want a relationship with us and the grandkids? Do I bother sending photos and videos or does she not care?

I’m not sure how much clearer she can be! Leave her alone. If your DH wants to engage with her, he’s free to do so.

It might be useful to explore why you’re so fixated on her, but it seems unlikely you’ll be willing to do that. So, just put her from your mind and go live your life.

Oh, is this that poster?! I thought some of this seemed familiar!

OP, what is your deal?

Available for what though op. Don’t say support, as I’m not sure anyone knows what that means in practice, and you seem unable or willing to articulate it.

She has started these constant posts on social media about how great a nanny she is and posting the pics I send her of the little one and commenting about hugging and squishing her and how amazing she is but in reality she hasn’t seen her for months and months, doesn’t ask how she is, doesn’t ask how anyone is. How can she post about her being great when she hasn’t done anything to see her. It’s just dragged up my thoughts. She isn’t great, everyone on there is commenting about her being a great nanny to my daughter and she isn’t at all. How can you be great when you’re seen her twice this year and only because we went.

So stop sending her photos and block her. Seriously, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

Do you think you might be ND too OP? Because you seem very rigid and fixated about this. We tend to flock together.

Maybe. I was fine until these pictured started to appear and I don’t understand it.

I was wondering that,

op you seem fixated and unable to articulate what you mean, could you possibly also be nd?

it seems a bit odd that your DFIL does not visit you either and yet she gets all the blame. Maybe he isn’t so easy going behind closed doors. Do they work?

She has the only car at work so he can’t come unless she is home.

An awful lot of posters are confidently diagnosing her with autism, but how are we to know? She could just be neurotypical and self centered. Either way, just carry on with your life and don't worry about her. She clearly can't give you the support you need, so there's really no point in fretting about it. The only thing you can do is adjust your own expectations.

Poster after poster on this thread you started @Teaandshortcake have stated that your mil could well be neuro diverse and unable to be nuero typical in her responses to situations.
Your partner is, your child is.
It can be genetic
I have skim read your posts and nowhere do I see your acknowledgment that she could be neuro diverse.
I find that extraordinary.