Why would this family member behave so un-compassionately?

[Teaandshortcake]

It’s my partners parents. The mum makes all the decisions and the dad is easy going and goes along with everything she says.

She is just the most void person when it comes to giving support or showing empathy I’ve ever met. For example her step mum has developed cancer (she has been in her life since a teenager) she makes every excuse to not visit or offer support to even her elderly father whilst he takes his wife for chemo etc. His mum will book holidays and just disappear. She does the same for all occasions where she would need to offer empathy. For example disappeared on holiday when grandchildren are born. Her go to is oh I don’t want to make anyone sick. But she isn’t sick and it’s just an excuse.

We have a child going through ASD referral with extremely challenging behaviour and they are nowhere to been seen. No offers of any support, no visits, no messages to ask how we are doing. She has been told we are struggling as a family whilst we wait for the referral to go through and it’s literally like the struggle doesn’t exist. If you do see her she won’t mention the issue, she will completely ignore that you are going through something.

Ive never met a person who was so one track minded. She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

I hate to say it but do people just not have empathy and cover it up by making really shitty excuses. When really she either doesn’t care or maybe doesn’t know what to do? It’s really hard to portray it but a family member could literally be dead and she would be carrying on as normal, no sign of distress just robotic happy.

What’s your point here, she can’t come when she’s ar work either,

It’s 4 days a week. But he can’t go anywhere without her say anyway. We have never in the 5 years I’ve know them seen them separately anywhere.

It doesn’t feel nice to be on the other side. I don’t know how to form any relationship with her. Her children have a relationship because they are both ND. I don’t have a clue how to speak the language. I don’t know how to form a relationship with someone who is like this. She won’t ever be the one to adapt or make any compromise so how do you form a relationship with someone who is my way or nothing. I am and so are my kids completely ostracised because she sees no use in a relationship. I don’t want my kids left out like this. My partner being ND sees no issue but I do.

What is it you want op, you clearly resent her, you want sometjing from her she’s not willing to give, you can’t articulate what that is, for reasons only you know. you judge her marriage even though it’s clearly a long standing one, you judge her, all because she won’t give you what you want, whatever that is, as none of us know,

Do you believe she is neuro diverse @Teaandshortcake ?

Some people put themselves into a bubble of protection after an unhappy experience, I think. Or they have just been spoiled in childhood and never taught compassion. I know folk like it.

Yep, the very one. It’s becoming ridiculous.

I don’t know how to articulate it. I suppose I just wanted to have been accepted into the family. I’m not horrible, have a lot to offer, we now have 2 kids. It’s not nice to be left out and pushed to the edge because I don’t offer the mum what she needs. She has a lot of control, almost like she is the head and holds all the keys into the family, she has all the control. Who gets invited to dinner and family events are all controlled by her. We are all different and we should all be accepted. I don’t know what’s going on here. You are not allowed to struggle in her world or she will abandon you and push you out. We have been pushed out and she carries on without a thought.

So go find another poster to post on. I’m not forcing you to give any opinion or advice, its ok.

You've managed to form a relationship with her son and your own child. So you do speak the language - although you may be on a hiding to nothing if you think that you can teach the autism out of your child.

There's something called Object Impermanence - where if something isn't in front of you, it ceases to exist.

This also applies to people to the extent that you may love them, or in the case of somebody who clearly doesn't like you for being neurodiverse but is in a relationship with somebody you do love, be aware that they exist (albeit in a stressful way when you have to have contact with them) on an intellectual level, but if they expect something outside where your abilities lie, so no organising, no fixing, no being in charge and making considered decisions (because it's your baby, not hers, and we all know what DILs think of MILs who interfere and take over), you're of no use or ornament to them, they don't like you because you're not like their own parents, are clearly constantly criticising them for being neurodiverse, so you're not wanted, don't belong there and that's all there is to it.

Why do you expect so much from her in the first place?

She has her own life and you should accept that not every grandparent wants their time to revolve around their grandchildren.

There is always this bizarre expectation that women's lives need to be about caring for others and never putting their own needs first.

For whatever reason, your MIL does not see you and your children as a priority.

You can't force people to care about you and should also not expect that they automatically have the time, energy or desire to offer active support.

This is what it always comes back to on every single thread (your oldest also isn’t your in law’s gc so you’re being deliberately misleading there). You’ve been given so much advice in relation to this issue so what are you hoping to get from yet another thread about it? People have offered up plausible explanations in regards to your MIL’s behaviour and advice on how to deal with it going forward, on several threads. You choose not to take any of it on board.

But my partner is completely transparent, he is loving and open and there is no what feels like games going on. My daughter is a giant pain in the bum but she is also brilliant. My partner is brilliant at texting and communicating. No he may not get it right and he often confuses say sad or angry but he isn’t cold at all. He doesn’t run away or hide when I talk to him, he tries really hard and I do like wise to accommodate his hobbies and special interests because he gives me and I give him. But if he only took and has know interest in me in return then it wouldn’t be an interest.

Oh I would love a MIL who came and interfered and helped and made suggestions and chatted and wanted pictures etc etc and cups of tea. I love chatting, I could chat forever about anything.

To be honest I can’t remember what I have done yesterday. My memory is absolutely appalling so I’ve probably forgotten all the great advice.

But that’s not what you said, you said you wish help and support.

if you don’t know what you want, how can you expect any one else to know. Inc her,

and do you keep posting repeatedly about her? Is that what other people are saying, you obsessively start threads on her and your sil?

Can I just pick you up on the part where she thinks I don’t need her for the abilities she has. I wonder if this could be an issue. I don’t need someone to manage my life and she is incredibly good at this. Telling us where and when to go on holiday, what to buy, who changes nappies, who should do the shopping, whether we need a birthday party, what locks to buy for the doors. She has tried to manage everything and a lot of the time I’ve said that’s great but we going to do this instead. I wonder if we have cross understood each other and she thinks I don’t want her because I don’t also do what she suggests? I also valued her and her opinion I just have my own.

I want a better relationship and if you could help me understand where she is coming from then it might help me work out how to change my ways a little.

Fabulous! I’m sure everyone who’s replied in good faith will be thrilled to know you’ve wasted their time.

I may not articulate myself well but I want to understand so that I can help the relationship. I’ve obviously not understood enough so far. I want to try and make something work for my kids

so now it’s not help and support you want?

I think I’ve just mis understood where I’ve gone wrong and I’ve let it go round in my head. I entered the relationship just loving her because she was the mum of my partner who I love. I didn’t need anything from her but I’m wrong in thinking she also would love me as the partner of her son and the mum to her absolutely amazing grandkids. I’ve had no idea that this whole different language has been going on. She has tried to force her opinions on me. For example she hated that I expected her son to change nappies because as she kept repeating it’s just more logical for me to always do it. I’ve always just politely disagreed because I don’t agree. The more it’s gone on the more I just don’t exist to her to the point I’m stood in front of her she will no longer look at me or the kids and it’s got me more and more confused what I’ve been doing so wrong.

If I were her MIL and read all this, I’d be genuinely frightened. It’s all so worryingly obsessive.

It is Halloween soon! Thank god I’ve not spilled the inner thinking of my brain and this is just the surface!

It’s an anonymous thread. I’m living a life with lots of things happening and I’m just picking on something I’m having trouble with. It’s not something I think about all the time but certain things trigger the confusion. I think I’ve a much much better understanding from those who have given me a different perspective than before. I think it will stop this repetition so I’m grateful to those posters.