Why would this family member behave so un-compassionately?

[Teaandshortcake]

It’s my partners parents. The mum makes all the decisions and the dad is easy going and goes along with everything she says.

She is just the most void person when it comes to giving support or showing empathy I’ve ever met. For example her step mum has developed cancer (she has been in her life since a teenager) she makes every excuse to not visit or offer support to even her elderly father whilst he takes his wife for chemo etc. His mum will book holidays and just disappear. She does the same for all occasions where she would need to offer empathy. For example disappeared on holiday when grandchildren are born. Her go to is oh I don’t want to make anyone sick. But she isn’t sick and it’s just an excuse.

We have a child going through ASD referral with extremely challenging behaviour and they are nowhere to been seen. No offers of any support, no visits, no messages to ask how we are doing. She has been told we are struggling as a family whilst we wait for the referral to go through and it’s literally like the struggle doesn’t exist. If you do see her she won’t mention the issue, she will completely ignore that you are going through something.

Ive never met a person who was so one track minded. She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

I hate to say it but do people just not have empathy and cover it up by making really shitty excuses. When really she either doesn’t care or maybe doesn’t know what to do? It’s really hard to portray it but a family member could literally be dead and she would be carrying on as normal, no sign of distress just robotic happy.

OK, you've asked a sensible question! 🥳 Are there some things you could do differently, that might help ease your relationship with MIL?

You just wrote: Oh I would love a MIL who came and interfered and helped and made suggestions and chatted and wanted pictures etc etc and cups of tea. I love chatting, I could chat forever about anything.

I have comments; I'll start at the end. I'm a sociable soul, get on with most people and love chatting. But people who REALLY love chatting do my nut in! Conversation with them doesn't feel like a two-way thing, sometimes you truly can't get a word in. They brain-dump for an hour at a time and I'm sitting there wondering if she's even noticed who she's talking at, she certainly seems a hell of a lot more interested in herself than in me.

I know that very matter-of-fact people feel like this about ALL general chit-chat. They need two-way, focused exchanges. They hate being expected to "know what you mean" and they don't give a shit about that time your Uncle Trevor had a similar issue, unless you're telling them straight up that Uncle Trevor found a solution and what it was.

They like direct statements, direct questions and relevant information. Unfocused talk confuses them and wears them out. Sudden leaps upset them - if you're imparting the secret of a perfect coq au vin, do NOT veer off into a description of the magical restaurant in Normandy where you learned it. If they ever want Normandy restaurant recommendations, they'll ask you directly.

"chatted and wanted pictures etc" - eh?? A couple of hours ago, you were fuming that she shared the pictures you sent, with chatty captions! Make yer mind up, missus!

"interfered and helped and made suggestions" - eh? again! One hour ago, you told us "She has tried to force her opinions on me. For example she hated that I expected her son to change nappies because as she kept repeating it’s just more logical for me to always do it".

Don't suppose you asked in what way is it more logical? Have you thought of explaining that (if it is more logical), efficiency isn't the only thing to consider, baby care's a very important factor in bonding between parent & child? Or whatever your reasons actually are, of course.

You contradictory little chatterbox, you ...

With the chatted and wanted pictures. I was annoyed because there is no chatted, zero, not a single comment about the kids. The pictures she put on social media she spoke
more on there. She suggested that she loves them and gives cuddles when actually they haven’t seen her in a very long time. To me if you don’t even ask for months and months are you even interested. I get confused and end up just sending pictures without being asked.

I’d love to sit and chat about different ways to do things, different opinions and suggestions. If I don’t go along with it I’m not being nasty I just have my own opinion because opinion isn’t fact. I did ask about the changing nappies and she said that nappies are a pink job and that’s that. I don’t agree, I’ve been brought up in a family where both my parents did nappies. It happens with many things. For example she kept telling me that the baby only needs to sleep in a cardboard box because it does the job. I needed to leave the baby to cry. She left the baby strapped in a car seat to paint a house all day and let him cry. I really need support because my little was was terribly poorly with reflux and that’s the only response, just leave her to cry you don’t need me to help. I like decorating and she tells me it’s not logical, you don’t need fairly light as they are stupid. It’s really hard because I probably do seem like an
illogical mess to her that she doesn’t understand.

I entered the relationship just loving her because she was the mum of my partner who I love.

This is bizarre and unhealthy. You can’t love someone you don’t know.

I’m wrong in thinking she also would love me as the partner of her son and the mum to her absolutely amazing grandkids.

She’s under no obligation to love you. You’re also the mother to one of her grandchildren. To me, this is indicative that you see things as you wish they were, not as they are. According to you, this woman has no interest in you or your family and didn’t care a fig when your youngest was born, and you had a traumatic labour. She doesn’t offer any support and makes no effort with any of you. This is a clear message, regardless of what she posts on Facebook. Deal with the reality of the situation and act accordingly.

I entered the relationship with a completely different set of rules and a completely different language. I get on really well with many members of the family but have never got anywhere with his mum unfortunately. I just and I think it’s visa Versa don’t understand where she is coming from. I think I will have to leave it at that. We are too different. I was looking for an equal relationship not one where I find I have to be seen as a little less. It may not be intended but it’s how it makes me feel. She has called me and my ideas stupid and silly many times.

With your last couple of posts, she sounds pretty awful. I wouldn't like her.

It all comes down to the same thing, though. Nobody owes you love. You cannot "love someone into loving you" - and that is a very dangerous fallacy, at the root of many abusive relationships.

I imagine you very much CAN improve the nature of your relationship - by starting from the position of who she is, not who you wish she were. If you cut out the emotional claptrap, you probably have a very good idea of who she is and how she thinks. So work with that. If it helps you to stay on mission, think of it as "managing" her.

And stop playing out one half of a fairy-tale MIL/DIL love affair! Relate to the person she is.

Thank you. I don’t know if I can do a relationship that’s based on me not having my own mind. I just can’t stop having my own view on things. I think that is why the other son has a much better relationship because he very much needs her opinion. I respect her opinion and if it’s a better idea then yeah but I don’t instantly think that her opinions are fact. I guess we’ll probably just rub awkwardly along unfortunately. We both quite strong women with very different ways of doing things. I absolutely respect her ways but she sees me as silly and I can’t do much about that.

I absolutely respect her ways - I don't respect fixed ideas about pink jobs, or any of that sexist bullshit. And it is not fucking logical!

but she sees me as silly and I can’t do much about that. - Nope. But her opinions are not worthy of respect in a democratic society, so who cares what she thinks?

You're evidently a nicer person than me ... even if it does take you a whole day to get to the point 😂

lol that does sound like me. I do know what I’m trying to say but can’t find the words.

OP - My Dad sounds very much like your MIL. A lot of what you said really resonated with my own experiences eg -when my each of my children were born, he booked holiday for him and my mum to cover the due date, never wanted to help out, never showed any interest in mine or my dc lives, on the few times he visited, left as soon as possible, wanted to look great in front of his friends, only doing what interests him and wanting to be in control of everything. He often gave unsolicited advice and disengaged if you didn't follow it or his rules. Many times he would stand by watching me struggle throughout my life. I often wondered why other parents leap to help their kids, and why I would do the same for mine, whereas he never would.

Needless to say it was a loveless relationship. It really felt like all take and no give. I tried talking with him, pleading with him and doing everything I could to foster a good relationship with my dc - but he cared zero fucks as my dc, dh and I didn't directly benefit nor interest him. Although he was never diagnosed, I do believe his traits were ASD which explains why he acted the way he did - but it really hurts. Unfortunately, his lack of engagement and empathy meant that neither I nor my dc ultimately don't have a meaningful relationship with him. It is all rather sad. You can't change that sort of behaviour, unfortunately. Sadly, when my ds died suddenly, I couldn't cope with his lack of empathy and support at my lowest point, so I went no-contact. I am so much better off having him out of my life rather than wasting my energy trying to understand him or making excuses for his hurtful behaviour. It was exhausting.

@MyFragility that is how it feels. If what you want coincides with the interest of her then you are in, if not then you loose. Over the past few years the relationship has confused the hell out of me because even though the complete lack of fucks my partner still absolutely adores her. He is so conditioned to this crap. I’ve repeatedly thought I must just be doing something wrong because he sees no issues. What am I doing that makes her so disinterested in me and our life but so interested in others. It’s because all the relationships she has she is in control of and they give her something she needs. I offer nothing other than me and these little kids. Which is everything in my eyes, they are the best.

It is me again! I know! Can I just ask whether this may be a reason for why she treats me with such disgust. My mum has the same illness that her mum died of when she was 7. Could she be deliberately pushing me out of the family because of this? It must have been very traumatic and she doesn’t want me dragging this up. It makes me feel shit because I would like nothing more than experience some of the love she gives the other DIL and be included in this family. It’s hard having an unwell mum, she was diagnosed when I was very young. I know I won’t get it but could this be why?

It could be but I seriously doubt it.

Op you need to let this go, she doesn't find you interesting, she doesn't enjoy your company enough to seek it out, you are oil and water, chalk and cheese.
She doesn't have to like you, she doesn't have to do anything for you.
Yes it sucks but she won't change so take a step back and put energy into people that do want to be involved.

But why not be able to even look at me if we have to be in the same room. Why step out of any pictures with me or if I ask to take a family photo with her in it she will step side ways out of it. She is happy to be in the other DIs, why me? What about me does she not just have nothing in common with, she physically repels from me in person. Honestly I’m just a normal mum with kids, work, have friends etc. nobody else does this.

Most family who don’t get alone can have get togethers and say hi how are you etc without being physically repelled by the other person and literally act like that person isn’t in the room. It’s happened almost all times she will offer everyone a drink and walk past me offering nothing, I don’t exist. I don’t get greated on the times we have to go over.

We have got to see them this afternoon and I just don’t want to go, I don’t see the point.

Don't go then or go and ask her outright why she seems to have a problem with you, surely that will give you an answer more conclusive than ruminating on here all the time with strangers that have no idea?

OP just let it go! I commented earlier that family members aren't obliged to like each other and I stand by that, but the more you describe this woman she sounds like a highly unpleasant and sexist twat – the 'pink jobs' nonsense is regressive bullshit and stepping away from you to not be in a photo is childish, petty and rude. Why would you even want to hang out with someone like that?

Clearly, for whatever reason, she doesn't like you. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Not everyone is going to like you, even if you're a member of their family. You need to accept it and let it go and stop trying to win her approval. Ask yourself why it matters to you. Why do you want her validation? Focus on the people who DO care about and want to spend time with you and your son.

Jesus Christ, OP. You need to let it go.

I really think you might benefit from some sort of counselling. You’re obsessing about this and have referred to repetitive thoughts. Perhaps speak to your GP? Professional support will probably be more helpful than repeatedly posting on Mumsnet and ignoring the responses you don’t like.

I have agreed that I’m finding it hard. It’s awful to be pushed out of an entire family whilst they all go on holidays and days out and we aren’t invited. Then pictures are posted, it hurts. This is my family and kids, what have they done wrong other then be my
kids. My partner is desperate to stay in the group he completely ignoring how this makes me feel. I wish I could just leave them all (not the kids) I don’t know why knowing makes any difference because she still nasty.

You’re like a dog with a bone. If what you’re saying is true, why on earth would you even want to be liked or accepted by this woman? She sounds absolutely appalling. You and your kids aren’t missing anything by not having a relationship with her. If your DP wants to continue having a relationship with her, which is his right, then fine but you should have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

I echo the above poster recommending therapy - in fact I think it’s vital. This is so unhealthy.

I don’t want to be liked I wanted to know what on earth is going on.

You’ve contradicted throughout this entire thread. She doesn’t like you, that’s it. See above re oil and water, chalk and cheese.

Remove her from your life - socials, WhatsApp, everything. Get therapy and get on with your life ffs.

I can’t, my partner is bloody obsessed with her. I removed them, he shows me all the photos on his phone, tells me what they talk about all day long. I’m fed up with hearing about his parents. He wants a close family but they don’t want me. It’s causing such issues. They tell him I’m doing it but I’ve no idea what I’m doing to make them push me out. They driving me crazy!

That's a husband problem. You need to say, "look, i love you and I have tried with your parents, but we don't seem to get along. I'm happy for you to have your relationship with them, but stop with the hard sell of them to me all the time" or something. He needs to stop.

But my partner is completely transparent, he is loving and open and there is no what feels like games going on.

My partner is brilliant at texting and communicating.

If this is all true OP, then it shouldn’t be difficult to explain your feelings to your DP and have him stop. Although I’m sure you’ll just come up with another reason as to why you can’t stop obsessing over it.