Why would this family member behave so un-compassionately?

[Teaandshortcake]

It’s my partners parents. The mum makes all the decisions and the dad is easy going and goes along with everything she says.

She is just the most void person when it comes to giving support or showing empathy I’ve ever met. For example her step mum has developed cancer (she has been in her life since a teenager) she makes every excuse to not visit or offer support to even her elderly father whilst he takes his wife for chemo etc. His mum will book holidays and just disappear. She does the same for all occasions where she would need to offer empathy. For example disappeared on holiday when grandchildren are born. Her go to is oh I don’t want to make anyone sick. But she isn’t sick and it’s just an excuse.

We have a child going through ASD referral with extremely challenging behaviour and they are nowhere to been seen. No offers of any support, no visits, no messages to ask how we are doing. She has been told we are struggling as a family whilst we wait for the referral to go through and it’s literally like the struggle doesn’t exist. If you do see her she won’t mention the issue, she will completely ignore that you are going through something.

Ive never met a person who was so one track minded. She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

I hate to say it but do people just not have empathy and cover it up by making really shitty excuses. When really she either doesn’t care or maybe doesn’t know what to do? It’s really hard to portray it but a family member could literally be dead and she would be carrying on as normal, no sign of distress just robotic happy.

@ThatTealViewer Youre probably right. Unless she needs support when she’s older.

To be honest you sound pretty lacking in empathy and any understanding of your MIL not being the person you want her to be. I agree it's very likely she is ND and is just navigating the world the best she can. You seem to have very rigid ideas about how she should behave.

@Teaandshortcake would it be enough if she asked how you were and checked in just through messages.
It sounds like she doesn’t want to offer physical support and is afraid of being roped into minding kids or helping with her step mother. Some people don’t want this. Also, you don’t know what type of relationship they have at all with her own parents or step-mother . Has she had much support when she was bringing up kids?
I honestly would help people and my job is all about this but we had zero support at all when we had 3 small kids from my family or my inlaws (in fact my inlaws would actually cause problems when we had 3 under 5). We moved house with a toddler and I was heavily pregnant and zero help at all from anyone 🤷‍♀️ My eyes would be hanging out of my head , I had many an experience of drs and dentist with all three dcs . It’s made me v independent but also a bit distant towards others in our family tbh …. What do you know of support she has had over the years ?

Op can I ask. You keep saying you want her support. What does support look like to you. What do you mean by support?

She doesn’t seem to care that we’ve asked for support and she’s too busy but then see her pics on social media on holiday or smiling away at a dinner party she has arranged. Me and her son and struggling big time currently and his mum is happy as Larry completely detached, that’s her son and her family

do you mean childcare.? What exactly did you ask for when you asked for this support?

You had support though, your mum was there. I don’t really understand why you’re hell bent on having the support of your MIL who’s made it very clear she’s not willing to offer any. It’s none of your business if she goes on holidays or attends dinner parties and posts these things on social media. If my DIL was objecting to me living my life as I see fit I’d be having serious words with her and my DS. It’s a standing joke in our family that DH and I are always travelling or ‘gallivanting’ here there and everywhere. We worked our arses off to be able to retire in our early 50’s and we’re going to enjoy it, if our lifestyle doesn’t suit our adult children then that’s tough. We’re always happy to offer help and support if it’s needed on our terms. I always see “but when they need your help” trotted out on here suggesting that some parents expect their children to look after them in their elderly years, we have been perfectly clear with our children that this is not something we expect nor want.

Some grandparents are happy to be around for their grandchildren a lot of the time and some aren’t. It’s a very personal choice the amount of help that you offer but I don’t think you should be annoyed at a woman simply living her life.

Op it does read like when you say support you actually mean provide you with free child care? Is this your issue? You want her to provide child care?

Here we go with the "who will take your bins out?" nonsense, again.

I agree with you these type of comments really annoy me. Parents don’t always want or expect the help of their adult children. I always think comments like this are just nasty on here.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX @Emiline That's not what I meant at all, I’m saying that’s how relationships generally work.

I’ve learnt over time all relationships need to be nurtured, both friendships and family relationships. If you don’t give and show empathy for others, they won’t be around for you when you need them in some capacity.

I’m currently stuck at home recovering from an operation. Friends have dropped off food, offered to run errands, called and texted me to boost my spirits. It’s not that I’m an angel, it’s because I also make an effort to support them when they need it. One friend’s Mum fell last week and broke her hip-I can't do much for her right now except call and text, but she knows that she can call and offload her worries to me anytime.

That’s what works in my life anyway. 🤷

I'd say she has gone through some trauma of her own but doesn't make it an excuse for everything you've stated some people are just generally shit!

If your DC is also emotionally low frequency, they are probably going to find grandma very relaxing to be around.

Right....

But you're making an assumption that because OP's partner's mum isn't fostering this relationship with OP that she doesn't already have it with other people, or that she hasn't perhaps already made arrangements for her elderly care needs, should she find herself in that position.

No different in that respect to the people who ask childfree women "but who is going to take your bins out?"

Be prepared for your child to turn out like her if indeed they are both neuro diverse.

Not asking for childcare at all. Asking for a relationship where people care about how there family are. How can you go on holiday or sit at a dinner party whilst your own child let alone your gc are struggling. But I guess that’s how low empathy works, you just don’t care. To have a relationship both parties have to care about the other party.

I honestly could never be happy as an adult if my adult child was struggling. That’s my child forever! I could never sit at a table happy as Larry knowing I’ve told my child sorry I can’t support you in the birth of your child because my need to go away trumps you. Sorry your partner had to have blood transfusions and I could have helped but I needed to go to this particular caravan site. Sorry she got re admitted with sepsis and the other nanny had to take the eldest for 2 weeks but we had to go caravaning, it’s only and hour away but we won’t come back.

My daughter is being taught empathy so I’m hoping it will help her develop some. The MiL has never had support.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX you’re right, perhaps she does, the OP does say that her MIL has good relationships with other family members. Although she also says that She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

Perhaps the MIL genuinely can’t see that she lacks empathy.

I understand that you feel that you could never be happy if your adult child was struggling.

A couple of things to point out -

You have a child. They are not adult, but from what you have said they are struggling. I'm presuming you are therefore not going to dinner parties or on holiday at all - because that's what you are slating your mil for doing while she has a struggling child.

Also, honestly, after spending 18 or more years putting children first many parents, men and women, do not want to get very involved with their grandchildren. They've spent a long time putting other people first. They want some time for themselves,

What do you actually want your mil to do?

You have a child with ASD. There have been some health problems. Your mum has helped out.

There are a lot of people out there who would see you as entitled, not your mil as lacking in empathy.

We are struggling, their son is struggling. He has asked for support but they don’t support their own child. That’s what I’m saying.

My mum is stepping in and supporting me and him as a family. That’s what you do and in return we support her. His family should be stepping in to support him. She will help some random stranger before she will help us or her own son.

She will do what makes her feel good only. Helping or supporting clearly doesn’t make her feel good or makes her feel awkward. You could be dead and she would be doing something like planting a flower for an elderly stranger then help you. She had relationships but they are all emotionally detached. She will always be in charge of a relationship.

Why are you so angry with her??
Hardly anyone I know had grandparents around when they had DC and you have your DM who is supporting you ....
Which is more than a lot of people...but its not about a race to lack of resources/support just about where u face/anger..

Don't follow her social media if you're angry about her going out for dinner or on holiday or whatever...its really not going to help you...
Match her energy or just step away completely and let your DH match your energy...

As a parent of a child with SEN you will need all your energy to get the support yourself and your DC ....

Although I'm not sure about teaching empathy..some people can learn 'social norms or ways to present in socially more normal behaviours ' its often exhausting

Are you getting any carer support... Most areas have either carers network or parent/carer forum..

This is fair comment.

The only reason I pitched in on this thread is because I can see why I probably come across to family in much the same way OP's DP's DM comes across to her, and I wanted to make it clear that it's no reflection on OP or her children at all, and she shouldn't for a moment think it's anything she's said or done.

Thanks I do understand that. I haven’t done anything. I’ve tried really hard, invite them over and try and start conversations but if it’s not something she wants to talk about she will shut you down. It’s like you don’t exist. Sometimes when we visit she won’t even look at me in the face or even great me. I’m not sure what is going on, it’s like I’m not in the room.