Why would this family member behave so un-compassionately?

[Teaandshortcake]

It’s my partners parents. The mum makes all the decisions and the dad is easy going and goes along with everything she says.

She is just the most void person when it comes to giving support or showing empathy I’ve ever met. For example her step mum has developed cancer (she has been in her life since a teenager) she makes every excuse to not visit or offer support to even her elderly father whilst he takes his wife for chemo etc. His mum will book holidays and just disappear. She does the same for all occasions where she would need to offer empathy. For example disappeared on holiday when grandchildren are born. Her go to is oh I don’t want to make anyone sick. But she isn’t sick and it’s just an excuse.

We have a child going through ASD referral with extremely challenging behaviour and they are nowhere to been seen. No offers of any support, no visits, no messages to ask how we are doing. She has been told we are struggling as a family whilst we wait for the referral to go through and it’s literally like the struggle doesn’t exist. If you do see her she won’t mention the issue, she will completely ignore that you are going through something.

Ive never met a person who was so one track minded. She does what makes her happy and only that. She has no pull of emotions to anyone in her family who may need a little empathy.

I hate to say it but do people just not have empathy and cover it up by making really shitty excuses. When really she either doesn’t care or maybe doesn’t know what to do? It’s really hard to portray it but a family member could literally be dead and she would be carrying on as normal, no sign of distress just robotic happy.

Perhaps “disappointing” is a more accurate word than “hard.” Both my and my DH’s grandparents were involved growing up, so it’s been disappointing that my in-laws haven’t been very interested in our children. We don’t understand why, but that’s the way it is.

It’s sounds a lot like we just exist in terms of her. Outside of her we don’t really matter. I can’t seem to form a relationship with her which I really did want to. She doesn’t seem to care that we’ve asked for support and she’s too busy but then see her pics on social media on holiday or smiling away at a dinner party she has arranged. Me and her son and struggling big time currently and his mum is happy as Larry completely detached, that’s her son and her family.

My partner is absolutely undiagnosed ASD. But he is very loving and very helpful. He does not understand any of the situation and will always just say that’s my mum. He is quite attached to his hobbies more than people though. It must have been stinking obvious growing up he was autistic but the parents would not have noticed because the mum especially can’t see the struggle in anyone.

What’s your husband relationship like with her? What was it like growing up? I feel like people are jumping to a lot of conclusions without asking many questions.

It seems as though she is only able to function when everything is nice, and events are not challenging, but whenever there is something that might invoke any kind of emotional response in her she shuts down completely and sticks her head in the sand.

I can't help wondering what her childhood was like, whether there has ever been any severely traumatic event in her life, and if the way she responds now is perhaps some sort of protection mechanism against any kind of emotional involvement.

Thing is, OP, you're going to make yourself ill by judging this woman and wishing she was someone she isn't.

This is who she is. Best thing for your wellbeing, and your family's, is to find the bits you can like or appreciate, and focus on those. Anything else is pointless.

It's reasonable to feel sad that she isn't the kind of person you'd ideally like in that role, of course - but slightly bonkers to rail against it!

DH and I both had lovely relationships with our GPs (he was especially close to his maternal grandfather and was devastated when he passed away a few years ago). Our parents are great, but live in different countries (continents in one case) to us and are very much wrapped up in their own lives. So we and DC don’t see them very much. It genuinely never even occurred to me to be disappointed about this or find it hard.

They're different people than their parents, we’re different people than them and we’re all living very different lives.

This is my perspective. I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel what you feel, just that I don’t understand it. Particularly in the case of the OP, as this isn’t her mum. So she seems inordinately concerned about the fact that a woman she doesn’t know very well doesn’t want a relationship with her.

but the parents would not have noticed because the mum especially can’t see the struggle in anyone.

And how would this would have kept his father from noticing? Why are you fixating on his mother? He has two parents!

You're determined to blame his mother for how she his when it's entirely possible that she can't help it. Cut her some slack. One possibility is that she does care, very much. She might be so overwhelmed by certain situations that instead of risking not being able to cope she heads for the hills.

If the father is nt and isn't showing an interest that's where your problem lies.

We only live 10 mins from each other. If that makes any difference, it may as well be worlds.

Because she is the one in control of the house. He is completely submissive of her.

The bottom line is that you've got as much as you're going to get from this woman. Let it go.

She is completely dominant. She determines where they go. She has the car he doesn’t. She determines the holidays, who’s invited to the parties. She is the leader in all she does.

With regards to your particular situation, this is the key bit: So she seems inordinately concerned about the fact that a woman she doesn’t know very well doesn’t want a relationship with her.

So, no, the distance doesn’t really make much of a difference.

As I asked upthread, why do you care so much? Why do you have such difficulty with her not being interested?

Yes probably. Its just not something I’ve ever dealt with before.

Because I find it all very confusing. Im not sure whether to cut her slack or just not bother.

She controlled his ability to notice that his son has ASD traits? Is she a wizard?

OP you don't seem to be giving your MIL any leeway for her behaviour despite everyone pointing out that she very clearly sounds like she has ASD. You need to find more understanding and acceptance of who she is, especially if you're going to support an ASD child.

I'm sorry that you're disappointed to not have the relationship you expect, but you're going to have to make your peace with this or it will eat you up.

Literally so much of what you've described in her sounds like ND and ASD. 'She can't see the struggle in anyone'... 'births mean nothing'... 'she hasn't made a fuss' it's her perspective and how she lives in the world. It's not personal.

Cards a a bit pointless aren't they? Waste of paper in some people's opinion and did you ask her for help with the immediate birth?

It's starting to sound like you are upset because she's not freely offering babysitting or providing childcare.

There is nothing confusing about what you’ve written, though. Her behaviour is clear, straightforward and consistent. It’s just not behaviour that you like.

And, based on your description, whether you cut her some slack or let it go will have zero impact on her actions. So it really doesn’t matter.

I absolutely love my extended family. I have no doubt they think I don’t care about them. I am awkward around them because I’m not comfortable when my routine changes. I’m horrible at making small talk, especially in big groups. I am not an easy host, even though I am willing to do the work.

i tend to show my affection by giving really thoughtful gifts whenever possible, giving great care with the presentation. That is something I can do solo and can control. I’m not sure people see that the way it is intended though and instead think it’s just another example of how I am different.

i am ND. So is my child.

im hopeful that if she chooses to partner someday, her partner will be understanding because that person will have to be used to dealing with her. I’m hopeful that her partner will understand my clumsy attempts to bond really are genuine and that I really do care, I’m just horribly awkward.

@ThatTealViewer Similar here in that my Dad and late SM live in another country. But they made an effort and the children felt/still feel close to them. My in-laws are in the same country and I have found their lack of interest odd, tbh. DH has said that he’ll behave differently if he’s ever a grandparent and even the children have commented on how different they are to their friends’ grandparents.

It’s their choice, of course, but the result is that now we have older teens (19&16), they’re not very interested in their paternal grandparents (who would like a relationship now they’re older) , whereas they’ll make an effort for my Dad.

You reap what you sow-the OP’s MIL will discover this as well.

She booked the holiday when we got given the c section date so nothing we could do about it. We let her know the date and within a few days she booked her hols.

It really doesn’t sound like OP’s MIL will care very much.

Thanks I’m starting to see it’s not personal. Obviously I’ll support my child, I gave birth to her I’ll do anything for her and I do despite her telling me hates me etc etc.