I'm not who he believes I am!

[Fromageversion]

NC for this but wondered if anyone else has this problem, or ever has had and what you did about it.
Been with DP for 18 months. We dont live together because I'm happy living independently.
When I first met DP, I was a total people pleaser and really didn't want to disappoint him, so I pretty much went along with whatever he wanted to do.
Fast forward 18 months and I feel much more secure in the relationship but now I find that DP has this fixed idea of who he thinks I am, and I'm not that person.
I think this is because I'm not very good at speaking up for myself.
He prides himself on having found someone who he thinks is his perfect match but I'm not that person.
It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It's so difficult to explain.
I'm not highly sexed, I make the effort when I see him, but he believes I'm like that all the time, because that's what he sees.
I don't shave my legs every single day, but he thinks I do because I shave on the days he comes over.
I don't enjoy some of the programmes he wants to watch, but I watch them because I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I don't enjoy them.
I don't cope with only 4 to 5 hours sleep but I stay awake longer when he's here and feel exhausted the following day because he thinks this is normal for me, because this is what he sees.
I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.
How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?
It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the regime!
When you first meet someone, you put your best foot forward and somewhere along the way, I chose to keep this up and not to relax and be myself and now it feels too late, like I've been misleading him for a long time, but when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!
I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.
He usually stays the night and goes home on Sunday evening so I didn't think it would be a disaster if I went to sleep.
He's now gone home because he says if I didnt want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired.
It's like he thinks he knows me better than I know myself yet I don't think he knows me at all.
Any advice?
Currently feeling quite relieved to be able to go to bed but where do I go from here?

@Jaehee
He does sound like a dickhead though

But why are you still with him? The relationship is no longer working for you, so just end it. You seem to think his feelings are far more important than yours. Don’t mutter vaguely about how you don’t want to feel like you’re disappointing him by not wanting sex, say ‘I’m not going to be sleeping with you tonight’.

And don’t get into another relationship until you’ve worked on your people-pleasing.

But even if a woman is “highly sexed” it doesn’t mean she can never say no. If a woman likes staying up late, it doesn’t mean she can never be tired. His reaction is an issue in itself.

He doesn't actually believe half those things about you. It suits him to pretend he does because he is manipulative.

In future, stop asking yourself 'does this person like me?' in dating. Instead ask 'do I like this person?' Also, 'do I feel comfortable being myself around him?'. If the answer to either is no, do not progress to relationship.

Take some time single and work on your codependency issues. Only then, when you grow in confidence, should you consider dating again.

It may also help you to read 'The art of saying no'.

Apart from the first sentence which I find too much I agree with this. You don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not to keep a man op, you need to be yourself, yes best foot forward at the start, but that’s done within a few months.

do you really want a life where you’re unable to get a good nights kip, always shagging, and shaving your legs and blow drying your hair every day? So never make anyone think that’s what you love.

just be honest, as you’re enough for the right man. And he is not it.

Maintaining a false persona requires significant mental effort and a certain level of skill to sustain over time. In many cases, it's more effective to blend elements of authenticity with an improved version of yourself.

Personally, I often adopt a strategy of appearing less knowledgeable or capable, while tactically managing friendships and information. It’s a careful balance—sometimes I mix approaches depending on the situation, aiming to filter out genuine individuals from those who are more manipulative or Machiavellian.

Another challenge is keeping track of which aspects of your personality, skills, or abilities you’ve chosen to downplay. Over time, this juggling act can become quite mentally exhausting, as it adds layers of pressure to maintain coherence in your interactions.

You sound unsuited to each other. He sounds a bit stupid. You sound like you need to find a middle ground between complete pretence and your day to day self when you meet someone!

Yea, this sounds familiar. I use to be like this and then get anxiety thinking they would go off me when they saw the real me, or the me without make up on etc etc.

Most men who have been in long-term relationships before are aware of this. Young and inexperienced men don't get it. He also sounds a bit dim.

She hasn't really lied to him. She's just accommodated the relationship and wanted to present her best, most attentive self. She's hardly manipulated him.

If he really is as stupid to not understand that people have different routines, are not always wearing makeup, might have fluctuating sex drives, then he's not great at this whole relationship malarkey.

I would appreciate a man who did these things, it would show he was putting the effort in, I also am smart enough to know that he can't sustain this, and that the initial impressing each other period twiddles when you both get comfy with one another.

This forum is full of women. Here is my male take on this.You started to date a man and from the start you lied to him. The start of a relationship is about finding out who the person is. So you lied who you are.

The guy knew nothing about you other than what you showed/told him. You liked sex, wore make-up, shaved your legs, blow dried your hair. They were all characteristics you showed to him. Then you say these are not you.

Be honest. You obviously believed that he wanted a woman who liked sex, wore make-up, shaved your legs etc, or else you would not have mimicked them.

Stop lying to men, stop lying to yourself.

He's honestly got to be a bit thick if he doesn't realise what real life is like.
If he's not mature enough to want to be in a relationship with a woman rather than a sex-doll that's his loss.

This is such a great post

It’s also full of men like you now, sadly.

@DrMorbius he told her she's not tired when she said she was.

What a creep.

Uh-oh. You have a controlling man on your hands.

It's not that you've hidden who you are - we all put our best foot forward when getting to know someone, and make extra effort, it's dating, after all. It's unusual & rare to keep 100% of this up when settled into a relationship. Even if aspects to your personality had changed during this 18 months, that happens, people are not stationary.

He does know who you are - but he's trying to change you, and pressure you into things you don't want to do.

It's so insidious that you're questioning yourself and blaming yourself. That's how controlling behaviour and abuse works. Run, love.

It’s not new . It’s 18 months!

He’s not wrong though is he, I mean she was lying for a year and a half, and she did likely do these things as she thought that’s what he wanted, let’s face it , most men want that. She went out of her way to convince him thats who she was, Doesn’t mean the ops partner is not a twat, he is, but no one should be absolving her here, or pretending it is a new relationship, or he was demanding these things, he wasn’t, not at the start, she was pretending ro be someone she’s not. Now he’s like some belligerent arsehole as he’s realising he was fooled and wants the sex addict back,

Any man who leaves in a snit because he didn't get sex is not mature enough to be in an adult relationship. You gave him an idealized version of yourself and he wants her, not you. The problem is that she doesn't exist. The only solution I see is to split. You can't playact at being someone you're not for the rest of your life to keep him happy. That's not fair to either of you, and frankly, I don't see where he's worth the effort. Let the petulant man-child go.

Still the first 2 years are supposedly the honeymoon period, where everyone is on their best behaviour. His behaviour is worse than op’s. He’s telling her how she thinks and feels, what she does and doesn’t do.

Sure, but she’s not asking who is worse me or him. Neither have covered themselves in glory.

After previous experience, if a man went home in a sulk because he didn't have sex would get the boot from me.

If he's upsetting you this early on (regardless of who's done what), then cut your losses and throw him back. It shouldn't be this hard!

How old is this prince among men, 15?

Thd next time he says he wants to come round say ‘Great, I’ll be cleaning the house that day. You can help too. Do you want to clean the bathroom from top to bottom or the kitchen?’
If he suggests he’s not up for that then tell him ‘Ok, I’ll see you next week then, because that is what is happening this Friday and Saturday.’
Also take the advice given. The next man you date, date them on your terms. Be yourself.
He must be pretty thick if he thinks anyone wakes up looking like the best they can look. Or still wanting the same sex they did the first few times they did it.

I’m not convinced the op was lying.
Who the hell does not tidy up and clean their house before a date come round the first time? Very few people I would imagine. Who doesn’t wear their best clothes, do their hair, wear make up ( if they usually do) on dates? Again very, very few people.
I can’t imagine that all the scruffy, track suit wearing young men I see, actually turned for a first date looking like that- did they?
Also all the lazy fathers who leave parenting to the mother, did they specifically state this would be the case befire getting a woman pregnant?
I doubt it.
People present their best side.

You want totally different things. No matter what he says, he wants a relationship based on sex and you want all facets of an adult relationship.

Him pigeonholing you is him compartmentalising you and the relationship.

You will always feel guilty in this relationship because of the way he is. He sounds juvenile and unpleasant.

This.