I'm not who he believes I am!

[Fromageversion]

NC for this but wondered if anyone else has this problem, or ever has had and what you did about it.
Been with DP for 18 months. We dont live together because I'm happy living independently.
When I first met DP, I was a total people pleaser and really didn't want to disappoint him, so I pretty much went along with whatever he wanted to do.
Fast forward 18 months and I feel much more secure in the relationship but now I find that DP has this fixed idea of who he thinks I am, and I'm not that person.
I think this is because I'm not very good at speaking up for myself.
He prides himself on having found someone who he thinks is his perfect match but I'm not that person.
It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It's so difficult to explain.
I'm not highly sexed, I make the effort when I see him, but he believes I'm like that all the time, because that's what he sees.
I don't shave my legs every single day, but he thinks I do because I shave on the days he comes over.
I don't enjoy some of the programmes he wants to watch, but I watch them because I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I don't enjoy them.
I don't cope with only 4 to 5 hours sleep but I stay awake longer when he's here and feel exhausted the following day because he thinks this is normal for me, because this is what he sees.
I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.
How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?
It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the regime!
When you first meet someone, you put your best foot forward and somewhere along the way, I chose to keep this up and not to relax and be myself and now it feels too late, like I've been misleading him for a long time, but when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!
I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.
He usually stays the night and goes home on Sunday evening so I didn't think it would be a disaster if I went to sleep.
He's now gone home because he says if I didnt want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired.
It's like he thinks he knows me better than I know myself yet I don't think he knows me at all.
Any advice?
Currently feeling quite relieved to be able to go to bed but where do I go from here?

I’ve seen women do this a few times. Look at me I’m a party animal. I’m always up until the early hours drinking champagne. Then they realise they’ve knackered themselves and need to go back to their normal routine as they have a job to hold down and a small child to look after. The bloke was left bewildered because that wasn’t what he’d signed up for.
Another example; I like all the same music you like. I’ll come to all the gigs with you. I don’t eat either. I like smoking puff. Fast forward and the reality is nothing like that.
Just do you then let the man decide if he wants to be part of your world rather than one that’s been manufactured to lure him in x

Bloody hell you couldn’t make that up, could you. He’s to blame for her lying for 18 months and he’s either stupid or an incel?

some of these posts are bonkers. Someone even wrote he forced her to have sex, at no stage has she said she was raped.

if a woman poster her boyfriend had lied about who he was for 18 months, it would be all ltb, but she posts and says she has and folks are like he’s stupid or an incel and irs his fault?

Uh oh... reminds me a lot of my ex... I can hold my hands up in the air and say that I too am a people pleaser, which in my case has come from a place of insecurity and feeling like I have to perform my 'best self' in order to be valued.

THAT SAID - the onus is also not on you or anyone to manage his childish behaviour and fantasies about what women should be/do. Any reasonable and mature man would acknowledge that people are complex and that relationships change/look different over time. My ex couldn't comprehend this fact and his unrealistic expectations and verbal abuse wore me down eventually - I ended up in a depression, which only seemed to prove his point.

You deserve better OP! I'm sure you're a fantastic human - not feeling sexy, unshaven legs days all included :)

if a woman poster her boyfriend had lied about who he was for 18 months, it would be all ltb, but she posts and says she has and folks are like he’s stupid or an incel and irs his fault?

If a woman posted that after 18 months she didn’t understand why her BF didn’t want to stay up late all the time, didn’t want to have sex every night, his house was no longer immaculate and he had started going longer between shaves, and so he must have been lying about who he is, I’m pretty sure she’d be given a reality check.

They’re not fantasies about what a what woman should be. OP has lied about who she is and that woman has been his reality for a year and a half. Now that woman is behaving differently. Of course he has a right to be confused. He also has a right not to feel the same way about the new person he’s being introduced to.

Let him loose to find his perfect woman (hint, she doesn't exist).

He's stupid.

He's emotionally illiterate.

He's relating to you as if you are a machine, or a character in a video game, e.g. once settings are set they will never change; what's wrong with my girlfriend/support appliance, it's malfunctioning.

It's got very little to do with you having put your best foot forward in dating, and everything to do with the fact that you are telling him how you feel and what you want or need (or don't) and he is not capable of listening and understanding and accommodating that. Or isn't willing to. Both of which are just as bad as the other.

Ugh.

What when he told her he always stayed up late, loved sex marathons, always kept on top of his grooming and shaved daily.

and suddenly he was in bed my nine, didn’t wish to shave and has went off sex,,what sort of reality check would she get. Do tell.

Ffs. Best foot forward, it’s been 18.months! 😂

The honeymoon period is about two years, generally speaking. It also tends to last longer when you don't live together (because it's natural to make more of an effort and/or to be willing to accommodate more when you're not together all the time). It's not rocket science and one should be able to fathom that things won't necessarily stay exactly the same always and forever and your girlfriend or boyfriend won't always want 6 hour sex sessions and sometimes she, or he, might be tired.

This is separate from the people pleasing thing which is something OP does need to work on.

(And I'm certainly not arguing that one should actively pretend to be something one isn't. That's not smart if one actually wants to be loved and liked)

OP lied about who she was. Now her behaviour has inexplicably changed. He can be confused and put off by this. He can also not feel the same way about this new/real version of OP. Both are equally valid responses to her not being the person she presented as.

The truth is, the relationship probably wouldn’t have got this far if OP had been herself from the outset.

It’s no different to the bullshit future fakers out there. She’s led him down the garden path for 18 months.

There is some fault on either side, sure.

But he's still stupid and emotionally illiterate. What kind of long-term partner is he going to make if he can't understand that sometimes she won't want to be up all night and she needs to sleep if she's tired? That's just idiotic.

Where does she say she told him those things?

It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It’s normal to expect these things to drop off as time goes on. The honeymoon period is over for OP after a pretty typical length of time. She is now trying to put boundaries in place and he’s not respecting them.

You've lied to him about who you are, he's believed the lies and now he's the bad guy? Clue: he's not bad, just deeply confused and I do not blame him. OP, tell him the truth and do not be surprised if he walks away.

Don't be ridiculous.

She didn't lie about anything. She went out of her way to accommodate his desires and he can't show her basic consideration and respect when she asked for it.

Presumably he’s a legally adult male and if he’s got this far in life thinking that just because you’ve put your best foot forward and made a lot of effort as everyone does at the beginning of your relationship that you are literally a super hero then there is something alarmingly wrong with him.

Everyone has strengths, weaknesses and flaws and anyone who believes otherwise is quite frankly either very immature or delusional. You shouldn’t have to expend extra energy being an over the top, perfectly turned out, best version of you all of the time because your mad boyfriend will judge you for having the same flaws that him and everyone else do. I expect if you lived with him you would see a very different side to him. Would he like you to pick apart everything he does that isn’t perfect? I doubt it. It’s extremely misogynistic for a man to think in that manner and I’d be kicking him to the kerb personally.

This. Absolutely ludicrous to suggest anything but. Some people honestly blow my mind.

You can’t be serious. 😂

Absurd. There is an enormous difference between outright lies and deception regarding identity, etc, and putting the effort in to a new relationship during the honeymoon period.

If OP had said that they had, for example, concealed the fact that they were already married or had children, or outrightly lied about their career, that would be a very different situation.

Growing into a relationship and showing some of your flaws and humanity is not deceit - being able to do this should be an indicator of a healthy relationship!!

Ridiculous, ludicrous... That is not how adults converse.
Moreover, I have been lied to like this. I wish I hadn't.

Those of you defending this man and saying no wonder he's confused - are you unaware of nuances in behaviour? You're almost defending his right for a shagathon each time they meet!

Of course it is how adults converse. Some things are ludicrous or ridiculous.

People are just pointing out that the OP has created this situation via her intensive peoole-pleasing. Like many people-pleasers, she is simmering with unspoken resentment that her effortful behaviour hasn’t had the desired effect. Instead, it’s had the effect that all people-pleasing has, that the other person doesn’t know you at all, and takes the fake version of yourself you’ve presented them with (whether that’s Shagathon Girlfriend or Human Service Provider, always there for a shoulder to cry on or childcare) for granted.

The OP needs to take some responsibility for this situation. The boyfriend didn’t just spontaneously create this version of her as perfectly-groomed sex-mad domestic goddess in his own head. The OP created it. He just believed it.

I honestly despair.

I was this person for 25 odd years - circumstances changed and I reverted to 'me' our marriage never really recovered. Don't be me, the people pleaser me.