I'm not who he believes I am!

[Fromageversion]

NC for this but wondered if anyone else has this problem, or ever has had and what you did about it.
Been with DP for 18 months. We dont live together because I'm happy living independently.
When I first met DP, I was a total people pleaser and really didn't want to disappoint him, so I pretty much went along with whatever he wanted to do.
Fast forward 18 months and I feel much more secure in the relationship but now I find that DP has this fixed idea of who he thinks I am, and I'm not that person.
I think this is because I'm not very good at speaking up for myself.
He prides himself on having found someone who he thinks is his perfect match but I'm not that person.
It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It's so difficult to explain.
I'm not highly sexed, I make the effort when I see him, but he believes I'm like that all the time, because that's what he sees.
I don't shave my legs every single day, but he thinks I do because I shave on the days he comes over.
I don't enjoy some of the programmes he wants to watch, but I watch them because I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I don't enjoy them.
I don't cope with only 4 to 5 hours sleep but I stay awake longer when he's here and feel exhausted the following day because he thinks this is normal for me, because this is what he sees.
I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.
How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?
It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the regime!
When you first meet someone, you put your best foot forward and somewhere along the way, I chose to keep this up and not to relax and be myself and now it feels too late, like I've been misleading him for a long time, but when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!
I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.
He usually stays the night and goes home on Sunday evening so I didn't think it would be a disaster if I went to sleep.
He's now gone home because he says if I didnt want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired.
It's like he thinks he knows me better than I know myself yet I don't think he knows me at all.
Any advice?
Currently feeling quite relieved to be able to go to bed but where do I go from here?

He doesn't genuinely believe those things, he is gaslighting you in order to pressure you to remain his "perfect" woman, including sexually.

I believe you are being manipulated here.

Adult men with brains know how human adult woman are. He knows that it's not normal to maintain these things 24/7. He knows that people get tired, they don't want sex sometimes, they don't always shave or wear makeup etc

He has just managed to trick you into keeping this up whilst letting you believe that YOU have tricked HIM.

Incredibly clever.

Without a doubt you were wrong not to show him your real self- how on earth can you figure out if someone is compatible with you if you never show them who you are?

That said, he does sound like a complete twat. I love sex and have a high sex drive, I like staying up late sometimes but that doesnt mean I never get tired. Just because I love sex doesnt mean I have unlimited energy like I'm on a constant drip of cocaine FGS. Sometimes I am simply not in the mood, or am exhausted after a long shift, or having a heavy period or whatever, it doesnt mean I am lying about enjoying sex. We are human, not robots.

Everyone gets tired sometimes, everyone fancies an early night sometimes- neither of those things indicate you dont enjoy sex or that you never feel energetic or full of energy at other times.

Thats like saying well, you really love a certain type of food so why arent you eating it every single day for every meal? Because sometimes we fancy a break or something different- its hardly ground breaking or weird, its..... normal.

Woman deliberately misrepresents herself and it's the man's fault??

She HAS tricked him! She admits it herself!

I’m sorry I don’t know what you mean?

Come on.

We all are the "best" versions of ourselves in the beginning of a relationship.

Normal adults understand this and expect things to settle/calm down once the honeymoon period is over.

No one is 100% themselves in the beginning. Pretending to like certain TV shows is a bit far, but in regards to the makeup/hair/sleep/sex topic... i think most women put more of an effort into those things in the beginning.

It absolutely is his fault that she is communicating that she is tired or doesn't want to have sex and he "doesn't believe her" and then sulks going home.

Because even if she had genuinely been like she was in the beginning and that was 100% normal for her... we can all change. He expects her to be exactly the same person with the same energy levels forever? What about kids, illness, depression, menopause?

He has a brain. He hasn't used it.

Um, what? Not being 100% yourself at the beginning of a relationship is not farting loudly in front of them or not sharing the fact that you dance around the kitchen to Britney Spears now and again, it's not having an entirely different personality for 18 months solid, even down to the time you go to bed.

It's been 18 months...

If someone is still the same person after 18 months as they were at the beginning, of course you're going to believe that is the real them. Because 18 months is a long flippin time to keep your true self hidden.

To add, don't ever let anyone tell you how you're supposed to feel. Only you know how you feel.

The problem is not that you're not who he thinks you are.

The problem is that he's not who you think he is.

But who he really is is feckin' obvious to every single one of us reading your post.

He. Is. An. ARSE.

With an utterly selfish view of you as an obliging sex machine with zero personality or needs that aren't entirely dedicated to serving his.

Wake up.

You are worth more than this.

18 months is a bit pathetic though isn't it let's be real.

I think societal expectations on women in the dating scene are pretty pathetic and none of us know OPs background and why she may be more susceptible to this

I think it's pretty pathetic that a man reinforces those by not listening to his partner when she tries to communicate and be honest with him.

I think its pretty pathetic that a grown man thinks that any human can be perfect 24/7.

I think it is MASSIVELY pathetic to sulk when someone says they don't fancy sex.

Imagine if you have a child with him.

All that time and energy and attention devoted to someone who is Not Him.

And if that child has additional needs?

And if you get sick?

This is a man who has a tedious tick list of what a woman is, what she is supposed to be - a smooth miracle working sexbot, and you've done your best to follow it.

You've been wearing a mask and it can't stay on for ever.

All that 'people pleaser' stuff - let it go.

Work on your own self esteem and self worth. Make friends who see and know the real you and you'll find someone who likes, desires, loves that.

He sounds like a complete arse.

You should be able to say if you don't like or want something, whether that's a TV Programme or sex. If you can't talk to him, that's not good news for your relationship.

Sounds like he's not very good at listening, though? I mean, you told him you were tired and he told you how you felt?? Nah.

You're not a wind-up sex toy, but it sounds like that's what he wants...

You've had 6 pages of advice, @Fromageversion ...

• What does HE bring to your life?
• What does HE do to be the best version of himself for you?

@Fromageversion A relationship where you can't be yourself is not a relationship at all. You're lucky you found out this early that he is not interested in you as a person, but as someone playing a role for him. Don't play along anymore. Just finish it now.

How have you kept this up for 18 months?

I can’t understand how or why you would go along with this.

Apart from all the great points everyone else has made,

When he said this to you:

‘if I didn't want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired‘ …..

The evening wasn't turning out how he wanted it to (no marathon sex). He chose to leave in a huff and punish you by removing his presence from the Sunday, and he decided on an interpretation of your behaviour that makes him the victim, and gives HIM a right to be upset with YOU. That's troubling ....

This tactic shows immaturity …. That’s a big problem and foretells potentially big difficulties down the line, should the relationship continue. My ex used to do this constantly. Most disagreements would end with him playing the victim card, and me feeling guilty for something I didn't really do.

Should you wish to, you could explore this with him in an honest conversation - his reactions (to something you say or do) when it’s not what he’s expecting/what he wants. He may be able (doubtful at the moment) to explore further. But if not, be careful.

And YOU have to be your authentic YOU. That's special enough.

Why would he think she’s cheating on him?

Oh, I see. Well for 18 months she stays up ‘late’ having sex with him. Then 18 months later she says she’s tired and goes to bed at 10pm usually. He ‘knows’ that to be a lie because she’s told him she stays up very late. He also ‘knows’ she is ‘highly sexed’ because that’s what she’s told him but after 18 months she doesn’t want to have sex/have sex as much’ The way he’s responded to those things makes me think that he thinks she’s cheating and that’s why he left. That shows he’s not a great partner (in my opinion) and if I were op I would just let the relationship end there.

He wants a doll that is perfect in every way that goes back in the box until the next time he comes round to play and takes it out of the box.

I can't see the relationship going anywhere.

Well yes. As that’s what she offered up. Most men would run with that. A woman who loved what he loves, loves sex, stays up late with him, always looks and smells great, and is a domestic goddess. Fully on top of her shit.

I’m not really finding fault that he fell for it. Or thinks she’s great. Assuming she’s a Job and has intelligent convo as well

whaf are you saying, he’s a right fucker for liking that and believing that’s who she was. Of course he’s confused and put out, thinking she’s went off him when she’s suddenly I want to go to bed early and not have sex.

the fundamental issue here is she presented a false image instead of just being honest. This isn’t put your best foot forward at the start as most folks do . It’s been 18 months.

i know she’s not abusive, but it’s what abusers do. Present one image then the mask slips . And it’s nearly always by the 2 year mark it is humanly impossible to keep it up.

Oh come on! Eighteen months! She's been misleading him about who she is for eighteen months! This is all on her, stop blaming the man.

What? He prob thinks she’s gone off him,

Yeah, it could also be that. We’ll never know what he’s thinking obviously. I don’t think it’s a healthy relationship for either of them no matter what he thinks, it’s probably best just to end it now and for op to learn from it moving forward.

....is he stupid?

Sorry but this is ridiculous. It's completely normal for your early behaviour in a relationship to "calm down" so to speak, as you get more comfortable.

It sounds like he's either extremely naive and has no experience in relationships, or he's basically an incel who completely buys into the "what are you bringing to the table" kind of rhetoric, what you're bringing obviously being a beautiful sex slave who's every other need or want comes below his.