I'm not who he believes I am!

[Fromageversion]

NC for this but wondered if anyone else has this problem, or ever has had and what you did about it.
Been with DP for 18 months. We dont live together because I'm happy living independently.
When I first met DP, I was a total people pleaser and really didn't want to disappoint him, so I pretty much went along with whatever he wanted to do.
Fast forward 18 months and I feel much more secure in the relationship but now I find that DP has this fixed idea of who he thinks I am, and I'm not that person.
I think this is because I'm not very good at speaking up for myself.
He prides himself on having found someone who he thinks is his perfect match but I'm not that person.
It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It's so difficult to explain.
I'm not highly sexed, I make the effort when I see him, but he believes I'm like that all the time, because that's what he sees.
I don't shave my legs every single day, but he thinks I do because I shave on the days he comes over.
I don't enjoy some of the programmes he wants to watch, but I watch them because I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I don't enjoy them.
I don't cope with only 4 to 5 hours sleep but I stay awake longer when he's here and feel exhausted the following day because he thinks this is normal for me, because this is what he sees.
I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.
How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?
It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the regime!
When you first meet someone, you put your best foot forward and somewhere along the way, I chose to keep this up and not to relax and be myself and now it feels too late, like I've been misleading him for a long time, but when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!
I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.
He usually stays the night and goes home on Sunday evening so I didn't think it would be a disaster if I went to sleep.
He's now gone home because he says if I didnt want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired.
It's like he thinks he knows me better than I know myself yet I don't think he knows me at all.
Any advice?
Currently feeling quite relieved to be able to go to bed but where do I go from here?

but where do I go from here? - I've got a suggestion, @Fromageversion:

Tell him you've realised he's a shallow, selfish user who's never seen you as a real person and needs to think about why he doesn't respect women.

Take your keys off him before you tell him, because he'll storm out! Then treat yourself to a sofa night, a takeaway and a long, happy sigh of relief.

Seriously, @HollyKnight? I get where you're coming from but ... If you knew someone who was always 'on', never tired, always perfectly groomed without spending any time on it, kept a perfect house without working at it, etc, wouldn't you assume you were missing something? I mean, you'd ask yourself how they pull it off, wouldn't you? If you'd been dating them for 18 months, I'm pretty sure you'd ask them.

This guy's never wondered for a second; in fact he told her she couldn't be tired!

How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?

Essentially, you have to stop worrying about disappointing him and start worrying about disappointing yourself. This is you still people pleasing. You are more concerned about him being satisfied with you than you are with finding out if the two of you are actually compatible.

And steele yourself a bit. Because it sounds like you may not be compatible. At least, I hope you aren’t compatible with a man who contradicts you when you tell him you’re tired and then tries to punish you by going home and accusing you of not wanting him there. It may be that this is just a blip - but it sounds more like he’s selfish and you haven’t seen it properly because you’ve never let him be in a position where he really has to consider what you want at all.

☝️this

No, I wouldn't. It wouldn't occur to me to ask someone how long it takes them to do the housework, or their makeup, or their hair. It wouldn't occur to me to question someone's self-care routine or if they're lying about liking certain TV shows. Why would you? If you trust someone, you don't question their honesty.

The biggest thing here is their mismatched sex drives. That one is a killer. Pretending you have a high sex drive to keep a relationship with someone with a high sex drive is unsustainable and just dooming the relationship to failure.

You've lied/pretended to him to please him and he's believed you

Now you want to let him know the truth/stop pretending without upsetting him

He, however, doesn't want to know the truth as he likes living the lie

He is manipulative and unpleasant when you try to tell him the truth

Get rid of him. And next time, don't pretend/lie

What's so great about this guy that you think regular you isn't good enough for him?

It's normal to maintain higher standards of grooming and so on in the early stages of a relationship but pretending you're some sort of sex robot Barbie who doesn't sleep is taking things to extremes.

I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.

I was like this with my ex and when we split up after a couple of years I was upset and said "but I made all this effort." He was surprised and said "it shouldn't be an effort." I didn't know what he meant, until I met my next boyfriend and found I could completely be myself from day one and it was incredible. We married. That was 20+ years ago and I've always been able to be me, with or without make-up, sex, shaving, weight, moods, whatever way I am on a given day.

It's not working and you know it. Trying to be right for him isn't right for you, or him either ultimately.

Adults all know EVERYONE does this at the start of a relationship (men and women). It’s common sense.

For him to “not believe” you suggests really low emotional IQ.

So the first time you've stuck to who you are he has stropped off home? With every 'reveal' it will probably just get worse. We all start off to some degree in relationships with softer edges, but as time goes on we reveal more and more of the unpolished reality....if he can't cope with that then he is either deluded, naive, or immature, but by the sound of things, all 3.

This. He is clearly a total lemon and this would give me the ick, so bollocks to trying to woo him back. He isn't very bright and I would no longer be interested.

So he can’t deal with you when you are tired and not into sex all the time?
Run from this one

Some of these comments are a bit harsh, I don’t think you’ve lied to him about yourself at all Op. There is always a honeymoon period in relationships where you try and do everything for each other because you enjoy each others company.
He on the other hand is an absolute immature twat. Relationships slow down, all of our bra and panties don’t actually match.
Does he understand you are in a relationship and you don’t have to have sex every time you see each other.
Imagine what happens when you move in together and he realises you shower and wash off your makeup before you go to bed.

Nailed it.

He wants a sex doll that has no opinions or needs of her own.

You are not a sex doll.

Throw him back.

For him, it’s all about the attention you give him. It’s all about the sex.
He’s so disappointed that you’ve turned off the sex tap that he actually can’t believe it so he’s gone home to try for it elsewhere.
Where do you go from here? With him? Nowhere !

Let him go but have a serious think about who you actually are before you start dating again. What are your needs, expectations and values and beliefs OP?
Never play the sex kitten game again unless you actually want to.

I know you’re not looking at marriage by any stretch of the imagination right now. But just read the traditional vows. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickeness and in health (forget the death bit). In reality this means you know that person and will stand by them if things go wrong in life.

I’m not saying to stay with an abuser either. But that for a relationship to work, it’s important to bring the whole you, warts and all. You are a good enough person and good enough for someone. This man otoh is not good enough for you.

You are framing this as a you problem when it's a him problem. Until you change that, this situation can't alter.

As for him buggering off because you don't want sex. That is a red flag the size of Bedfordshire right there.

💯 this.

A child could understand that sometimes people want an early night.

He's cut short the weekend to punish you. Huge red flag.

You should have a proper sit down explain you are tired / sometimes dont want sex and if he cant understand that you should mutually agree to go your own way(ie break up)

He hasn't created an image of you in his head, you're curated an image you think he wants and for a year and a half have carried it on instead of being honest. Leave him, and work on your self esteem and people pleasing before meeting someone else.

It sounds more like he is manipulating you into being these things , does that make sense ? I can't explain it but he isn't stupid he is happy for you to mould yourself into whatever he wants you to be and when you don't do that as in your tired and want to go to bed he throws his toys out of the pram ... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I know we all hate men on here, but it's impossible to conclude that from OPs posts. Lots of women project an image they think men want because they think it increases their chances of a relationship, low self esteem usually, just because men don't question this doesn't make them manipulative.

Hes manipulative because when OP said she was tired he left

It's like he's created a version of me in his head

No, who he has in his head is who you have shown yourself to be when you are with him. That isn't his fault. You need to stop people pleasing and actually be yourself so the relationships you have are actually genuine.

He knows you're not tired?

He's telling you how you feel.

He's a dickhead.

Please get rid of him.