I'm not who he believes I am!

[Fromageversion]

NC for this but wondered if anyone else has this problem, or ever has had and what you did about it.
Been with DP for 18 months. We dont live together because I'm happy living independently.
When I first met DP, I was a total people pleaser and really didn't want to disappoint him, so I pretty much went along with whatever he wanted to do.
Fast forward 18 months and I feel much more secure in the relationship but now I find that DP has this fixed idea of who he thinks I am, and I'm not that person.
I think this is because I'm not very good at speaking up for myself.
He prides himself on having found someone who he thinks is his perfect match but I'm not that person.
It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It's so difficult to explain.
I'm not highly sexed, I make the effort when I see him, but he believes I'm like that all the time, because that's what he sees.
I don't shave my legs every single day, but he thinks I do because I shave on the days he comes over.
I don't enjoy some of the programmes he wants to watch, but I watch them because I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I don't enjoy them.
I don't cope with only 4 to 5 hours sleep but I stay awake longer when he's here and feel exhausted the following day because he thinks this is normal for me, because this is what he sees.
I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.
How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?
It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the regime!
When you first meet someone, you put your best foot forward and somewhere along the way, I chose to keep this up and not to relax and be myself and now it feels too late, like I've been misleading him for a long time, but when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!
I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.
He usually stays the night and goes home on Sunday evening so I didn't think it would be a disaster if I went to sleep.
He's now gone home because he says if I didnt want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired.
It's like he thinks he knows me better than I know myself yet I don't think he knows me at all.
Any advice?
Currently feeling quite relieved to be able to go to bed but where do I go from here?

The Op is literally telling him ‘I don’t want to have sex’
‘I am tired’ and he’s refusing to accept it/believe her, he’s either manipulative or a bit thick. If someone repeatedly told me they were tired I would say ‘ok go to bed’ like a normal person.
I wouldn’t put my own needs first and say no you’re not, you’re not like that, you’re very sexual and want sex with me’. He’s behaving oddly. EVERYONE tries hard at the beginning and has more sex and shaves everyday, the Op isn’t that unusual. Unless he’s never had a relationship before.

Sorry op but if you're telling him you're tired and he's telling you you're not, it's not that he doesn't believe you, it's because he's trying to 'make' you do what 'he' wants: he's manipulating you.

Him sulking and going home because you didn't want to stay up is a massive red flag 🚩 it's a way of making sure that next time he sees you, you do stay up because you're worried he'll leave again.

Throw this one back.

OP, I think you are still 'people pleasing' even in your own mind because you are seeing him behave like a twat and then telling yourself he is only doing it because YOU MADE him believe something that isn't true.

He's an adult. Any adult is capable of realising that partners make special efforts (especially in the early days) in terms of getting dressed up etc. Everyone has more sex in the beginning. Everyone postpones house chores when they have guests. If he is taking 'weekend' you and assuming you are like that 24*7 then he is a Grade A idiot. That's on him, not you.

The fact that he is reacting to his mistake by blaming you for not wanting him there, does not reflect well on him.

If you went to his house and he wasn't in the mood for sex, would you go home?

No? And why not? Is it maybe because you don't see him as just there to give you sex. You'd never treat him like that, am I right?

So, now ask yourself:

a. Why he went home? Does he just want what he can get from you?
b. Why are you letting him treat you like this when you know it's wrong as you'd never consider treating someone the same?
c. Why are you still with him?

Chuck this one back in the sea, he's a prick.

Ugh. Dump the creep.

Anybody who actually sees women as human beings has no problem with them being tired and not wanting sex - or not wearing makeup, going to bed when they want to, not liking exactly the same films or programmes and having an absolute right to say no to anything.

He's pissed off because his sex toy isn't even malfunctioning, he thinks it's deliberately and maliciously refusing to operate as programmed.

Hopefully the OP has been having a wonderful slumber in her empty bed as she hasn't been back. 😴
He'll come crawling back OP, be ready when he does.

I think he doesn’t understand it , as the op has portrayed herself as the perfect match to him, someone wno loves staying up late, loves marathon sex sessions, loves the same programs as him, always looks fantastic, and has her domestic shit in check with minimal effort.

sk now when she says im tired and want to go to bed at ten and not have sex he thinks shes saying that as she doesn’t wish to be with him,

if we reversed the genders, and the man suddenly changed, everyone would agree the man had gone off the woman and was trying to get rid. However as we see the op has lied to him to get him, then folks are blaming the man.

the issue is the op can’t keep it up. And he didn’t fall in love with a woman who has a low sex drive and wants to go to bed early and isn’t this amazing version of female ness. It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have fallen in love with her if she was honest, just he doesn’t understand the change and thinks it’s she’s not interested in him

I think it’s a combination of the two extremes.

Yes she’s created this situation and in future needs to show her true self earlier.
He’s a selfish, controlling manipulator who went home when he didn’t get what he wanted to punish the op.

If she’d shown her true self earlier, she’d have seen his true self earlier too.

I was in a relationship with someone a bit like this. He couldn't understand why, 18 months in, I didn't want to spend all day in bed with him. He would say 'but in the early days...' and I would explain that a relationship can't be in the honeymoon phase forever. According to him it could and should. Whenever he came over, which was a lot, he would expect me to be 'on' 100% of the time. He wanted to spend all night on the sofa cuddling and kissing. He got upset if I wanted to sit and read, for example, or go to bed early. If I didn't want to have sex he'd say it wasn't normal not to have sex every day. If I wanted to sit on the sofa without him touching me he'd look like a hurt puppy. Every time I tried to assert a boundary, he would push back and try to frame it as something that was wrong with me.

'when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!'

If you're saying these things then you haven't been misleading him. You're trying to tell him who you are and he doesn't want to hear it. He's trying to tell you who you are and doesn't see you as an actual person but rather, someone to fulfil his needs. Also, I'm struggling to believe you're such a good actress that in all the time you spend together he hasn't picked up on these things.

This isn’t about you being a different person to who he thinks you are. He knows who you are, but you’d better not deviate from who he’s subtly (and now not so subtly), inveigling.
Hes not nice OP. He’s manipulative, sulky, lets you run yourself ragged without a thought for you. I’d very quickly get rid.

Why are you worried about you disappointing him, but not him disappointing you? Why are you worried about being perfect for him and not the other way around? You let him know that you were tired and needed sleep, and he responded by having a strop. He told you that there was no point in him coming over – no point in spending the evening with you if it didn’t include a sex marathon. He is the one who’s dropped the act OP. Now you know he’s a little sulking pig who expects you to please him but doesn’t care how you feel. Put him in the bin where he belongs.

I'm willing to bet he's quite headstrong. 'This tv show is great, you'll love this, let's watch it' rather than 'This tv show is great, I think you'll like it, would you like to try an episode or would you rather watch something else?'

@Fromageversion Do you two actually go out? Do you go to his place? As you prefer to live independently, do you see/want a future with him?

You did completely the wrong thing. I think he thinks you’re cheating on him and that’s why he’s gone home. In some ways he doesn’t sound very nice. I don’t think the relationship is a good idea for either of you and you should let it end.

Were you actually tired, though? You were posting on here at nearly 1am! Or did you just want time alone and you were still people pleasing by not daring to say that?

The relationship doesn't really sound sustainable, but you could try being 'radically' yourself, and greet him next time without make-up or shaved legs, and see if things still feel good between you. If he can't deal with a real human woman, don't waste any more time on him.

Please read this book, you sound exactly like me. This book changed my life!

Codependency FD, 2E (For Dummies)

www.amazon.co.uk/Codependency-FD-Dummies-Darlene-Lancer/dp/1118982088?dplnkId=198e22fd-ea8f-4c3c-ab76-c5710a88f645&nodl=1

I used to be a proper night owl, could survive on a couple of hours sleep and had an incredibly high sex drive.

But if I said I’m tired and wanted to go to sleep, my DP would have been absolutely fine with that and had an early night with me.

He’s treating you like a sex toy/prostitute.

It sounds like he comes over simply for sex sessions.

How often do you go out together?

How often do you stay at his?

1. You sound like the guy asking if she was really tired
2. She probably couldn't sleep because of the anxiety over what happened.

For goodness sake.

I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.

Bit thick, isn't he?

It is all still new so if this is the best version of you, then you are also seeing the best version of him.

So if this is the best version of himself just think how awful he will be when you really get to know him.

Eh???

Think I essentially agree with this.
He's an adult and has the capacity to understand another adult being tired.
He just doesn't want to hear it and has punished you by going home.

He's probably a twat.

'when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!'

This in itself sounds very worrying, OP. Men trying to argue their way into sex when a woman has said no very clearly is a red flag.

Yep.

Why on earth were you trying to be his Miss Perfect all the time?

If you want a genuinely loving long term partnership you should start by being yourself right from the beginning. You're worth loving for yourself, not a made up doll caricature. Even if it takes a few years to find someone who suits you, it’s worth the wait. I met my DH in my late 30’s after several failed romances.

Don’t pretend to enjoy activities just to please him. If you’re not really interested in the same things, what’s the point in carrying on? Find someone who likes the real you. I don’t shave my legs or wear make up but that never stopped me having dates when I was younger.