I'm not who he believes I am!

[Fromageversion]

NC for this but wondered if anyone else has this problem, or ever has had and what you did about it.
Been with DP for 18 months. We dont live together because I'm happy living independently.
When I first met DP, I was a total people pleaser and really didn't want to disappoint him, so I pretty much went along with whatever he wanted to do.
Fast forward 18 months and I feel much more secure in the relationship but now I find that DP has this fixed idea of who he thinks I am, and I'm not that person.
I think this is because I'm not very good at speaking up for myself.
He prides himself on having found someone who he thinks is his perfect match but I'm not that person.
It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It's so difficult to explain.
I'm not highly sexed, I make the effort when I see him, but he believes I'm like that all the time, because that's what he sees.
I don't shave my legs every single day, but he thinks I do because I shave on the days he comes over.
I don't enjoy some of the programmes he wants to watch, but I watch them because I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I don't enjoy them.
I don't cope with only 4 to 5 hours sleep but I stay awake longer when he's here and feel exhausted the following day because he thinks this is normal for me, because this is what he sees.
I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.
How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?
It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the regime!
When you first meet someone, you put your best foot forward and somewhere along the way, I chose to keep this up and not to relax and be myself and now it feels too late, like I've been misleading him for a long time, but when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!
I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.
He usually stays the night and goes home on Sunday evening so I didn't think it would be a disaster if I went to sleep.
He's now gone home because he says if I didnt want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired.
It's like he thinks he knows me better than I know myself yet I don't think he knows me at all.
Any advice?
Currently feeling quite relieved to be able to go to bed but where do I go from here?

People are saying the guy is a red flag, but really OP is a walking red flag. She’s pretended she is someone she is not for 18 months.

OP you need to work on yourself before you have another relationship. Your behaviour is way out of normal range.

But you have told him how you are. You told him you’re tired. He knows how you feel, he just doesn’t care. His needs are more important than yours, in his mind. And if he doesn’t get what he wants, he goes home.

Imagine if you said you were tired and he was really understanding and kind about it. That would be the normal reaction.

The phrase ‘highly sexed’ makes me want to 🤮

but I mean no offence to you - just that I feel he is treating you like a sex toy

you are way overthinking. You already asserted a boundary and he went home? He should be apologising and if not then reflecting on what he was disappointed about...

My advice if this doesn't work out would be to trial dating with making less effort and see how it goes

He's the weirdo. You're literally explaining it to him and he's refusing to believe you. That's both dense and disrespectful because he doesn't place value on your words. Or else, he's manipulating you into behaving the way he wants by pretending not to believe you.

It makes me wonder in what other ways he's odd.

I think it’s very normal to front a particular version of yourself at the beginning of a relationship. Then over time as the relationship matures you get to know each other’s foibles and you get to know each other more deeply. Sometimes the relationship sticks, sometimes it doesn’t. Or sometimes you adapt to fit each other slightly.

This relationship isn’t developing as it should, because as you reveal more of your true self to your partner he doesn’t want to know. He chooses to believe in the version of you that’s in his head rather than the reality in front of him. Refusing to believe that you’re tired when you’re telling him, and instead telling you you’re not tried sounds arrogant and controlling.

This man is clearly not going to make space for you to flourish in this relationship and has no interest in getting to know the real you. You can’t keep up the superficial pretense of being his perfect ideal dream woman forever. I think you need to walk away and find someone who actually listens to you.

The danger of being in this hive-mind forum called MN is that the dominant narrative is the stereotypical view of man as manipulative, only after one thing, entitled etc.
this is not the typical man, it is some men, and indeed some women. The trouble is we only ever get to discuss the extremes of behaviour, like this specimen.
he sounds like a sex pest who's gone off in a sulk because you aren't servicing his requirements. How unattractive. I wouldn't put up with this a moment longer. You can do a lot better!

@Fromageversion can I ask if you met online? I'm guessing you did as he sounds like he chose you from a catalogue and now he is disappointed that you are malfunctioning.
Best all round if you chuck this one back into the sea

What age is he? He sounds like a child. You need to show him your real self and if he doesn’t like it, he can do one. Then you can find someone to be yourself with.

Sadly I don’t think gnis is uncommon.

A friend of mine is older and dating a slightly older woman than him, by a few years, she’s 60. She’s a glamourous, adventurous, sex obsessed, Duracell bunny.

I honestly look at her and think I don’t think that’s who you are. I think she’s a normal rather staid, and actually very intelligent woman. Who behaves like this to keep him. I can see sometimes she is totally knackered but staying up, stops drinking, just waiting for it to be over, and she’s quite clingy with him, besotted really. Even now she still goes home to do her hair etc and get ready.

at some point she’s going to want to stop the maratho sex sessions, let him see her without make up, go to bed early. A few weeks ago he was busy at the weekend and she commented she was delighted as she gets a rest as she’s knackered. He made a comment at one point she was grumpy as she was tired as she’d worked so hard, but it was obvious it was not solely that.

I don’t really get it, as I’ve never pretended to be someone I’m not, and I’d never say anything, but I can see disaster written all over it.

This isn’t your fault! You said you didn’t want sex and he pushed it and then left when he didn’t get it. Trying to get someone to have sex with you who has stated they don’t want to is such a red flag. Think about it.. would you do it?

Posters focusing on the man’s behaviour are missing the point.

OP is pretending she is someone she’s not in order to keep a man, a manipulative pretence she can only maintain mid term until it all comes crashing down. . Until she learns to be comfortable and secure enough in herself to be honest about who she is, this toxic relationship pattern will keep repeating.

He sounds like a fucking moron. 🫢

He's done you a favour by showing you his real self and stropping off home. You're even relieved he's gone. Call it a day.

It's completely normal to stay up late some nights, and have an early night others. It's completely normal to enjoy sex, but not want to do it every night. All grown-up adults understand this.

Is he a bit dim?

It sounds like you’re trying to show him who you are and he’s not listening. That’s a him problem, not a you problem. Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Yes, exactly. OP, take some responsibility. You created this dynamic by your people-pleasing refusal to say what you wanted, and show him who you really are. Now you need to act.

I am a people pleaser too. I was an awesome girlfriend, I watched the films dh liked, gave daily blow jobs, did his washing, shaved my body hair, we (unsurprisingly) never argued .

But it wasn't sustainable luckily we work well when we are being ourselves too.

You need to be yourself and if that doesn't work for him then he is not the one for you.

Do you actually enjoy this relationship, OP? It sounds like ridiculously hard work for the sake of being with someone who, frankly, isn't very bright and who doesn't understand you in the least. I'd suggest you bring it to an end and go out there and live a normal life where you can go to bed when you want, watch the TV programmes you enjoy, forget shaving your legs etc etc. That way, if you do hook up with anyone they will know the real you from day 1.

The weird thing here is him not accepting/believing you when you say you’re tired etc.

j think it’s natural that over time people get more comfortable with each other and make less special effort! Eg early days I put makeup on whenever I was seeing bf, now I don’t, he used to shave every time he was seeing me now sometimes it’s been a few days.

1. Everyone knows that when you don’t see someone all the time you make special effort to look good or stay up later - nothing groundbreaking there OP. Of course things change if/when you live together. Sounds like you might have made too much effort for too long though.

1. Telling you you’re not tired when you’ve said you are is a bad bad sign. People who refuse to believe what you say and think they know better are arrogant and manipulative. Going home because you’re not providing the right services shows how insecure he is and how little he cares about your feelings. After 18 months dating it should be more than fine to have a cuddle and an early night!

I think it's normal to show your best side at the start of the relationship. You don't live together so doing make up and getting housework done before he gets there is pretty standard so you can enjoy your time together, not doing boring stuff. Even staying up late when he stays is pretty normal at first because you want to maximise time spent together. However now you've been together a while it's also completely normal not to want to keep the effort up all the time!! I don't think this is about you hiding your true self at all, it's about not wanting to keep the intense effort you made at the start of the relationship up anymore. What is not normal is that the first time you're not in the mood for sex he strops off home!

This.... Let him go/phase out the relationship and next time try and be a bit more authentic and true to yourself from the get go.

It’s ok to disappoint him as his expectations are unrealistic. He’s not listening / completely dismissing you when you are stating your real feelings and needs. I think he knows what he’s doing and is being selfish. You can change the dynamic by being more authentic, sticking to your boundaries, asserting your needs and feelings; and then see how he reacts, and if he can adapt.

In my experience, limited as that is, this is a common miscommunication. One person (usually, but not always, the woman) thinks something is obvious and doesn't need to be said. The other person (usually, but not always, the man) is oblivious and takes things at face value.

Depending on your point of view, you can blame the man for being stupid and unrealistic (and men often seem to be totally unrealistic), or the woman for not being clear and making assumptions. One person's common sense is another person's rocket science