I'm not who he believes I am!

[Fromageversion]

NC for this but wondered if anyone else has this problem, or ever has had and what you did about it.
Been with DP for 18 months. We dont live together because I'm happy living independently.
When I first met DP, I was a total people pleaser and really didn't want to disappoint him, so I pretty much went along with whatever he wanted to do.
Fast forward 18 months and I feel much more secure in the relationship but now I find that DP has this fixed idea of who he thinks I am, and I'm not that person.
I think this is because I'm not very good at speaking up for myself.
He prides himself on having found someone who he thinks is his perfect match but I'm not that person.
It's like he's created a version of me in his head, a version of me where I'm highly sexed, go to sleep really late every night, am super organised with domestic stuff to the point that I can completely shelve most domestic tasks while he's here because I can catch up very quickly when he's not here, that I smell amazing all of the time, prioritise my self care routine over everything and doing my hair and make up takes just a few minutes because I always make sure I've done these things before he arrives, and it's like if he can't see how long it takes, then in his mind, it doesn't take long at all!

It's so difficult to explain.
I'm not highly sexed, I make the effort when I see him, but he believes I'm like that all the time, because that's what he sees.
I don't shave my legs every single day, but he thinks I do because I shave on the days he comes over.
I don't enjoy some of the programmes he wants to watch, but I watch them because I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I don't enjoy them.
I don't cope with only 4 to 5 hours sleep but I stay awake longer when he's here and feel exhausted the following day because he thinks this is normal for me, because this is what he sees.
I'm making an extra effort because he's here, but that's not who I am normally.
How do I go from this version he has created of me to who I really am without disappointing him?
It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the regime!
When you first meet someone, you put your best foot forward and somewhere along the way, I chose to keep this up and not to relax and be myself and now it feels too late, like I've been misleading him for a long time, but when I try to tell him for example, that I'm tired and I want to go to sleep instead of having a marathon sex session, he doesn't believe me. He'll say "But you love sex/you're never tired at this time."
I tell him I am tired, that I usually go to sleep by 10pm, but he genuinely doesn't believe me!
I'm only awake now because he was here this evening and I told him I was tired and needed to sleep, and he couldnt understand why. He says I've not been extra busy today and asked if I'm ill. I explained I usually go to bed by 10pm and again, he didn't believe me.
He usually stays the night and goes home on Sunday evening so I didn't think it would be a disaster if I went to sleep.
He's now gone home because he says if I didnt want him to come over, I should just say, rather than claim I'm tired when he knows I'm not tired.
It's like he thinks he knows me better than I know myself yet I don't think he knows me at all.
Any advice?
Currently feeling quite relieved to be able to go to bed but where do I go from here?

If its not usual behaviour after an entire year and a half, way beyond people putting on a front to impress someone, he might think she's annoyed or whatever, or be annoyed she's been fake around him for their entire relationship. If a man lied to me for 18 months and then turned round and said oh actually I always go to bed early I'd wonder what else he'd been lying about. It's a bit pathetic all round let's be real, the real lesson is to not lie about who you are for the sake of a bloke.

It's you that has created this image of yourself OP, not him, because you were trying to please him and keep him. If you have to be an unreal version of yourself to keep a man then the man isn't worth keeping.

I think you need to sit down with him when you're both not tired and explain what you've said here - you're a people pleaser and during the honeymoon period of the relationship you've behaved in a way that is not an accurate depiction of yourself to keep him happy. Tell him what the real you is like and how you'd like things to be if the relationship continues. If he can't accept your bedtimes/housework and self-care routines/tv choices/sexual appetite etc then best to end the relationship now. The fact he went home because he couldn't have a marathon sex session, rather than go to sleep with you, is a huge red flag. Does he only come over when there's sex on the table? If so, that's another red flag for your collection.

Next time you begin a relationship, act more natural from the start. The partner should be just as keen to keep you happy as you are to please them.

This is not going to work out. You cannot keep playing a role and this man is an idiot for believing whatever he is believing about you.

Fwiw I agree this relationship isnt going to work out but ypu might want to talk about it before ending from the pov of closure....

Men used to do it to me. I had a certain look that meant they projected their fantasy woman on to me. They got terribly annoyed with me when they discovered the reality which felt very unfair.

It made me feel very detached in new relationships until they got through the phase. I would ditch the people pleasing as it only prolongs it.

Women do it a lot about men as well. I think a lot of the ‘he used to be so wonderful but now he is useless’ threads on here might be partly this phenomenon.

He sounds like an imbecile. It is quite normal to need to relax and have downtime from putting your best foot forward all the time. How does he not understand this?? I'd bin him off- his detachment from reality is disturbing.

@Happii surely telling someone they aren't tired and leaving because you don't get your way is manipulating them or trying to ? I agree OP has played a role in creating the problem but he can't be that blind 18 months in ? He is used to getting his way and is happy to let her be submissive to him for want of a better word ? I agree with others it won't work as he believes her to be a completely different person and it has gone on way too long .

My advice is to leave him as he's not listening to you.

It’s definitely him OP, not you. I mean, presumably this guy has dated other women, has a mum, sisters, female relatives and friends? He’s not an idiot and I think he’s pretending as much as you are because who wouldn’t love the perfectly groomed domestic sex bunny at all times. If you insist on staying with him, invite him round on Saturday, get your joggers on, messy hair, unshaved legs and get him to help with the washing up. He doesn’t sound like a keeper but you never know.

Its over , move on . I think the advice about being yourself from the start a previous poster gave was good but most people gradually segue into a their normal selves with time and their 'best selves' is just for the first couple of dates. Find someone you can be yourself with.

There is an ocean of difference between making an extra effort at the beginning of a relationship and people pleasing to the point you are behaving like an entirely different person.

I think you have two problems here:

1. You have people pleased so much he has never seen the real you
2. Probably due to your people pleasing tendancies you have attracted someone who likes women who are easy to control and he now thinks he has the right to tantrum because you arent behaving in the manner he wants you to. Most "normal" men wouldnt throw a stop just because you are too tired for sex one night.

I agree with others- this isnt going to work out. I think you should dump him and spend some time working on your PP tendencies. I really recommend the book "not nice" by Aziz Gazipura. It's about why we people please and how to stop it and be authentically yourself.

You need to address this otherwise its just going to keep happening and the irony is- you are PP for people's approval and love but then it ends up causing you massive resentment, and shock for the other person when they realise you arent happy with the status quo- so it doesnt actually work anyway. PP doesnt work. You are a real human woman, not a stepford wife.

Have a think about why you feel the need to PP- why do you feel the real you isnt good enough or deserving enough? where did those messages/thoughts come from? Usually it's from our childhood scripts. Once you become aware of this its going to be much easier to address it.

Your real self IS good enough, it's worthy and deserving of love and it's ok to be authentically you. I promise. Good luck.

I understand the people pleasing to an extent I think I go along with things at first. For me it’s a confidence thing. But I know and start to put myself across the more confident I feel.
But why didn’t he believe your sleep time? Plus why did he leave? It’s normal in a relationship to go to sleep sometimes without sex. Has he been in a relationship before. I would start by explaining to him that you felt he could still stay over and sleep. Explain to him how it would be if you were together. Start making less effort and be g more real. But he needs to listen to your needs!

I know we've all pounced on the man, and if it was solely a transactional 'no sex: I'm going' situation then rightly so. But, to open up the convo maybe he is feeling unsure about the relationship and your feelings towards him. You've put on a mask for 18 months (which is an age) and now you're asserting yourself - I could see how that might make him wonder if you were pulling away. That's how most relationships end, one person pulls away/starts acting differently.

Do you want to be in a relationship with him? If so, I think you need to have a heart to heart, tell him what you've told us.

If he really is just a total dick then obviously checking out is the thing to do.

This^
Everyone knows there is a "honeymoon period" at the start of every relationship. Nobody turns up for a first date in their trackie bottoms and t-shirt that has seen better days. It is normal to blow a week's wages on fillet steak and out-of-season strawberries when cooking a romantic dinner for two. Everyone makes a special effort at first, but it's not sustainable.
Your mistake was allowing the fantasy to go on too long, so it has now become his expectation.
You're not a "Stepford Wife". If he can't accept this, then your relationship is never going to work and you will only make yourself increasingly miserable and exhausted by trying.

I think you have made a mistake. He believed you were one person and now you are behaving completely differently. Early to bed, not quite so interested in the physical side of things etc. I understand he will be confused and his natural conclusion might be that you have gone cool on him. Sit down, talk and explain. You might jointly conclude that this is not a relationship for you both, but there is no chance unless you are honest.

I don't think it's that he "doesn't believe" you, I think it's that he is trying to push you into continuing.

But he thinks she is herself.

I’ve done this myself OP particularly in one relationship that lasted 6 years. It wasn’t done out of a calculated manipulation it was me trying to be my best self but it became unworkable and I became very unhappy and eventually instigated the break up.

I was always looking my best and being sociable (he was very sociable) but really I’m a slob happiest with no make up and slouchy clothes. I’m also an introvert and the constant socialising nearly broke me.

Start revealing your truer self and see where it goes. If it causes a break up then you know you’re not really right for each other anyway.

This is much more him than you. Yes, you have been making a massive effort and finding it hard to be yourself so not showing your real self, but he's created a dynamic where being yourself is punished, not heard or contradicted. He lacks any curiosity about the real you.

You are taking too much of that on yourself. His projections are making you feel unable to be yourself. This is either a way to manipulate you or he has extremely low emotional intelligence or he doesn't see women as humans. It could be a combination of the three but it doesn't really matter. You cannot fix it and he's not a good person to be involved with.

I’m astonished grown women needs dating books to tell them not to create a fake version of themselves to sell to men!

We all wear our best clothes in the early days but it has never occured to me to pretend I have interests or habits that I don’t!

You created this "perfect" woman, now he's confused and thinks you've gone off him. If he'd been pretending all this time. I think you'd be a bit confused too. Bottom line he's not what you want and you're not what he wants.

On a tangent - don't you two ever go out? Does he always just come to yours for sex? If so, that's called something but it ain't dating.

I think if you’ve never felt comfortable enough to show him the real you, he’s not the guy for you. Whether that’s your doing or his doesn’t really matter.

Bin him. He isn't nice.

I think there’s a lot more of him pushing you into staying like this than you realise. Him telling you who you are is odd when SEVERAL times you’ve said you need sleep. Him saying ‘but I thought you liked 4 hours sleep and marathon sex sessions? Is him trying to get you to go what he wants.

It can be insidious and hard to spot, but can you see what he’s doing?

18 months is not the start of a relationship.

Not everyone behaves like this at the start of a relationship. I have created a false persona like this. Never pretended to be more domestic than I am, never pretended I like late nights.

OP has been deeply manipulative. I’d be really pissed off if a partner of mine 18 months in suddenly said, ‘actually I am not really like this’. He’d have wasted 18 months of my life.

Doomed relationship. Exit stage left @Fromageversion

You tried far too hard and he is not for you.