Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

How is OP's family "taking too much from society".

OP works - on an above national average salary (national average is around £35-36K) and has just two DC (the average sized family).

He's earning above the threshold for child benefit so won't even be getting that.

Although things have changed now OP's DC are older, if either his wife or him had not been a SAHP until now, society might've had to pay towards the cost of their childcare.

(NB. I'm not knocking people who need help with childcare - just pointing out it sounds like OP's family are the opposite of taking loads from society).

In fact the reason so many families and individuals struggle in today's society - even with a household income of a salary above national average, is in part because of the last few decades trend of households needing two incomes to financially manage. It's one of several reasons why house prices and the cost of living is so high - with disastrous consequences especially for single people (with or without children).

Separately, a lot of the time the problem with a SAHP returning to paid work is employers, not the SAHP.

When I was younger it was easy to walk into a job with no prior experience and also even with a long career gap.

None of this "must have recent experience" etc.
Ok not highest paid work, which always required experience or specific skills/qualifications, but lots of average pay jobs, not just the lowest paid.

A 100k pension today will give a return of £312.50 pcm which is under £4k per annum.

State pension under £11k for OP .

Can't begin to calculate a non working persons pension. The family allowance will stop in a few years as will the NI stamp cover.

They won't be rolling in clover

Precisely!

I’m saying anyone who isn’t a net contributor should seriously consider having more than one child, unless both parents can afford to contribute to the system adequately (or one can contribute for all). We all want properly funded public services, but there’s not much accountability, which is why hospitals, schools etc. are in such a dire state. Pumping out another child doesn’t help this, regardless of your day job.

Don't think that's correct. DW was very passionate about work. Contrasting her preparation with other teacher friends were world's apart (appreciate small sample).

She still is very driven and passionate about the work she does, it's just not paid.

The absolute hypocrisy of Mumsnet
If this was a man not working he's a cocklodger

Looking at the ops previous posting history, something just doesn't add up here.

I cant put my finger on it, but it's just... odd.

Whatever mutual agreement was in place appears well and truly void. I find them both to blame and would have offered the same feedback if this was related to a stay at home dad/bread winning wife. This isn’t about gender, it’s about accountability and they are both equally at fault.

Why?!

Says something about the messed up society we're in where having just 2 kids and earning nearly £15K above the national average salary is seen as not earning enough.

Btw re the economic angle of, as one poster posted upthread, that says "everyone has a duty to pay their way" (which OP has done - not even getting child because his salary is too high for that).

You think the current situation is good? Not relevant for OP but for many families even when both work full-time - because loads of jobs pay below the national average salary, society has to fund their childcare and pay benefits to top-up their wages. Often more costly than support for one to be a SAHP.

It also means it's increasingly a society where single people - both with or without children, can't afford a decent home (because of the expectation of two salaries). It's not as if being single is always a choice.

And no the lowest paid can't all all get higher paid jobs. Someone has to do those jobs.

The problem isn't families like OP or families and individuals with lower paid jobs.

The problem is the ridiculous cost of living nowadays (and also the attitude that nobody should be a SAHP unless very rich - even if not being a SAHP costs society more).

To add, I'm not advocating forcing somebody to be a SAHP - and I can understand OP's current concerns. I'm just pointing out the problems with current society.

Have you told your wife this @pocketpairs? Does she know that you are unhappy and hate your job? If you have and she continues to refuse to do any work at all, despite you agreeing to take on housework, she isn't a good person and you will only get more unhappy as time goes on.

This. It sounds like that OP accepted that whilst the kids were primary school she didn’t need to work but now they’re secondary there’s no need to pick the kids up.

I also think saying the kids need picking up from school from primary is a pretty weak reason not to work. There’s wrap around care that plenty of parents use because they both work.

It’s not all relative when you look at the cost of state school places, GPs, hospitals, dentists, these all cost approximately the same all over the country - and not enough people are paying their share. People being unable to understand their own cost to society is why we are where we are: failing schools, underfunded hospitals, universities on the brink of collapse.

I don't understand why she can't work, especially now the children are secondary.
We have 3 kids - 4, 14, 17 - and still both work; I work p/t, husband works f/t.
I would not be comfortable with contributing nothing financially - smacks of laziness to me.

You will be even more unhappy / resentful if you divorce and she has 50% of the house and 50% of your pension.

Then she claims Universal credit for a while until she finds part time work and unless you really do have 50/50 ie. every Sunday from 7pm until 7pm the following Sunday
then she will receive CMS so only needs to work to earn enough to cover household bills i.e. food utilities etc whilst then building up her own pension...

It's hardly a massive family. Just 2 kids.

Sad state of today's society if only the very richest are "allowed" to have the average 2 child family.

I think you need to be very clear that your expectations are that she now works. All the nice stuff will stop like money she's spending while at home.
If the children are at high school she absolutely should be working and contributing

I know what you mean.

What's clear from his history though is that he should worry less about other people contributing more tax and get his wife paying a bit more.

btw how has the Op had so much time on a Sat evening to reply as often as he has ?

Not spending time with his wife or children ?

This is just lying.

He has repeatedly mentioned his contributions to running the household and caring for the kids.

He also said that before marriage they agreed that she would remain career focused. She got her foot in the door by asking to not work while the kids were pre-school and now refuses to earn her own living despite the kids being school age for at least five years.

I wouldn't blame him if he bailed. He wouldn't be on the hood for much in the way of child maintenance payments and he might find someone who wanted to be a peer and not a dependent, thus easing and improving his financial outlook.

Do you love her? If yes then why does her income really matter in the grand scheme of things when you seem to be in a good position financially and have you tried to scale down on house finances as in are you paying for extra around the house not needed that could make money over saving? If you're not sure if you do love her or her you there's the answer. Mumsnet always seems to be robotic over finances and cold.

All of my friends who were sahps went back to work when their kids either started school or went to secondary school and most of my relatives. I don't know anyone except my mother who has never worked.

The house hold pays approx 15.5k in tax, state school places approximately 5k each x 2 kids = 10k. Then you have a family of fours: dentist (children paid for by tax payers), GP appointments, hospital visits. Do you honestly not see the link between families who don’t contribute enough and our ailing public services? I do.

Yes I wondered that too.

Most people would be happy to jettison someone with so little pride, ambition and dignity. "only work to cover bills..." No desire to retire well, help kids at uni or see the world?

Furthermore as a single man in his mid-40s with a good job, he'll have pick of the litter in the dating pool, and perhaps meet someone equally ambitious and well-earning. Whereas she will be a poor low-income single mum on benefits, with no career ambition. Good luck with that.