Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

She won’t get much since one is nearly an adult. Can’t exactly moan about childcare like they are young dependants.

Choosing to be a stay at home mom when your kids are young isn’t an opt out for life.

She won't get very far with 50 percent of currently skimpy assets and pension. She'll be renting a scruffy bedsit in retirement unless she ups and goes to work FT for the next 25 years.

One would think that doing a day or two a week under current standards of living would be preferable, but to each her own.

Haven't caught up on all of the thread but do you think @pocketpairs she's scared about being rejected by employers? I'm wondering if she's lost confidence?

Especially as unfortunately there's still a problem with employer age discrimination against candidates - it can start being an issue as young as 40. Also employers discriminating against people with career gaps.

I said earlier my mum was a SAHP. I should add that she did go back to work when I was in my teens. It was temping but I don't know if that's as easy to walk into nowadays? When I was younger I also temped for a bit and it used to be really easy to get jobs with no previous experience and also there were fellow temps who'd had long career gaps (SAHPs, illness, etc).

I understand it's harder now - with lots of recruiters wanting recent experience?

Is the voluntary work she's doing something that can lead to paid work? I also remember seeing someone upthread suggest exam invigilation. I know someone who used to do that. It's an ad hoc job, just a day here and there, so if she tries that it might give her more confidence to then try for something more regular.

The house needs selling anyway, they have no budget for university costs and teenager who will be shortly approaching this phase. I’m not saying that it’s right his wife opts out, but he has enjoyed the trappings of that situation (wrongly or rightly) and now both must face the consequences. Presumably he is more likely to rustle up a better paid job, as he has remained in work? There’s no point in being ideological, when the situation sounds absolutely dire, OP needs a better paid job ASAP and his wife needs to find a path back to any work. Frankly his day would have been better spent applying for new jobs, rather than bitching his wife out to Mumsnet.

If it was a man refusing to work he would be slammed for being a lazy slob.

My DH said the same to me - I will not be maintaining you when we are married unless you end up unemployed through no fault of your own (redundancy, illness etc). I fully agreed with him and said 'Me neither'. We both work, both contribute, one slightly more than the other.

They sound pretty fucked anyway don’t they? Can’t see how those kids will be going to uni? Their parents have essentially sold them down the river through poor financial planning.

The point is, this situation has been rolling on for over a decade, this post is verging on a retrospective. OP stayed in the corporate sphere and allowed his wife to mop up all the other duties (he doesn’t mention helping her at all), this being the legacy of the situation, means it’s he that need a better job and most urgently. His wife should do the same. They are a pair of incompetents in my view.

This is true, it should have been nipped in the bud well and truly right from the start. Sounds like there is very little communication and resentment has now set in too late.

Thank you for taking time to offer suggestions. A lot of people have explained things I haven't considered (i.e. it may not be easy getting back into workplace, KS2 isn't particularly desirable for tutoring, etc) and offered good suggestions. I'll definitely look into this a little more.

Because they don't have enough to support their children through University and they have very little for their retirement.

Wouldn't most people though like to not have a job and spend time on hobbies/out with friends? She’s not living in reality here as they don’t really earn enough to justify her never doing paid work and the OP is pissed off about the entire thing. She’s not even being asked to do a lot. She could really easily pickup Christmas temp jobs in retail and it would at least be a start. Because of the tax situation they’d keep vast majority of anything she earns. If the OP is on mid 50s tax will be 40% of any salary rises.

Yep - well no point in locking the stable door after the horse has bolted. They are both as bad as each other. He needs a better paid job, rather than bumming around on mumsnet looking for sympathy. His wife needs any job that will have her.

They are hard up. Have you read the thread?

Kids can go to uni without rich parents, this is nonsense thing to say

And 'stayed in the corporate sphere'??!!!

He hasnt said what he does and one minute he is being berated for having such a low income, the next he is being berated for saying his income isnt enough and that he has 'climbed the ladder' at her expense!!

Might as well sell the house, maybe if they separated they may be eligible for assistance with uni maintenance fees - not that I think we should have to foot the bill for people who have children and don’t sufficiently plan to financially support them. It’s families like these who take too much from society and are not net contributors, that mean our public services are so under funded. I find it shameful.

Nope, I do the laundry (on weekends) and iron ALL the clothes..sorry if that doesn't fit with your mental image.

Whatever climbing he’s done hasn’t been sufficient for a family of 4. That must have been crystal clear years ago. Probably before the birth of their 2nd child. His wife is no worse or better in my opinion, it’s a shit show.

WOW! He can operate a washing machine - quick ladies - form an orderly queue.

True. and Uni isn't a God given right. If they can't afford to have them go, they can explain that one to the kids. They will have to work and save up to self fund as mature students.
I agree with you, you should only have what you can afford and live within your means.

Sure, that sounds like solid gold parenting to me. Not being funny but they don’t sound like a family of go-getters… Parenting is about modelling good behaviour, what do you suppose these kids have seen? Very low levels of financial awareness and planning I suspect. This situation has accrued over many years, it didn’t emerge yesterday afternoon!

Bumming around? You're delusional.

What is this nonsens about the kids not going to uni?

They get a loan and then they work, thats what lots of kids do (including me twice, many years ago)

No one has to put it off until they're mature students

Surely a parent who has been at work all week might have spent the day with his children? Not fitting his wife up on mumsnet.

Income...and luck (12 years of investments into tech funds)

You are so rude! The OP's salary isn't particularly low. As for birthing and looking after children, cooking, cleaning and making doctor and dentist appointments, most women do those things as well as holding down full time jobs.