Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

I wouldn’t have any respect for someone who was perfectly able to work but chooses not to. Being a good role model to your children is important , I would want my son and daughter to know that working enables you to afford nice things eg, nice house, holidays, days out, etc.

shes leaving herself very vulnerable having no income, no pension etc. I’d bring these points up. God forbid anything happens to you, she will struggle for money.

my father died when I was 4 my part time working mum had to find a full time job for us to survive, money doesn’t fall from trees and we all have to work to manage life.

Surely if that's the case, it's easy for the OP to say they can make their own way there.

I also think this a good argument against being a SAHP.

Because you can do that and support your partner for 15 years and then they're going to turn round and be pissed off you don't have a career.

What is she planning to do all day? Does she have a circle of friends who also don't work so she feels not working is normal? It's very much not the norm in most circles, so is is strange.
I'd feel very resentful in your position, BUT if she goes to work then you need to pick up a proportion of all the 'stuff' she does.

What??!!
56k is not great to live off for a start.
Plus OP is earning that on their own and that is the issue.
Why should one adult EVER live off the other earnings whilst the earning party is not in agreement.

OP have you properly sat down and discussed your feelings or have to just said to her she should go back to work. Comments, snide remarks and nagging are 3 things that will not work. You need to sit her down and explain how you feel even suggest you both going part time snc both doing equal childcare to balance the relationship.

56k to fund 4 adults?
try £16,744 a year to keep 2 adults….thats the cut off for pension credit & winter fuel allowance!
im certain the extra £40,000 will keep the other two reasonably well fed & clothed. If they’re ‘adults’ they can get a job!

Supermarkets are recruiting seasonal staff now, could she work evenings and you take on all childcare and responsibilities at home while she does?

Well that's his point. If they don't want to just be on basic state pension then they need to start putting money into one.

Yours is a totally different scenario your child needs you at home.

i worked in a shitty part time minimum wage job while my children were young but went to college and retrained in my 40s ( you’d be surprised at home many mature students there are) and I’ve now doubled my earnings doing something I love.

yeah being a stay at home mum is still working but there isn’t the need for her to stay at home as much now as the children are older and she could be out earning money .

When she said that someone needed to collect the children from school, did you offer to do it if she got a job?

@username0489 I agree. But my reading of the OP was that this wasn't actually something his wife was using as a reason anymore. It was her reason when they were in primary, now they're in secondary school she is saying they don't need the money and that she won't work.
I may have misread the OP, but I didn't read it like school pick ups were still the issue.

What about if you say you want to reduce your hours? Financing your partner while children are at secondary seems v unfair to me. Unless someone is happy with it. Is she clear how much this is bothering you?

Are you already doing 50% of the child and house care?
are you able to without changing your current work schedule?

she has been out of the work zone for a long time, I imagine it will be quite daunting to begin again.
could you get her some support with CV and job search?
how is her self esteem?

None of this is said thinking you are being unreasonable wishing her to work.

I don’t think that’s really the point. My DH earns enough for us to do what ever we want without my salary.
I work part time and am very supportive of have a parent that is home a lot and very available for the children. In the early years I believe that having a sahp is beneficial.
BUT I do also believe that after a certain point/age both parents should be trying to contribute in a more balanced way. Both earning and working at least some of the time and both taking some household responsibilities. It’s important that my children see me as a working person with a life outside them and it’s important that they see their father washing up and taking them to clubs.
This balance is not always possible but I believe it to be a good thing to try for. Once the kids are in secondary then there are limited scenarios that would mean that it is detrimental to the family for both parents to be working at least some of the time - medical issues, SEN, partner who works away all the time etc
At the end of the day if the working parent is starting to feel hard done by and resentful then you’ve got a problem.

Why would he already be doing 50% of the child and house work when he's working full time? What else would she be doing if she doesn't have a job?

Of course if she works full time then he should pick it up but not before.

Are you truly prepared to do 50% of household and parenting tasks and house admin? How are these split currently?
I was a SAHM until youngest started primary school transition to work was hard( I know your DC are older) but DH really struggled with concept that he HAD to be there at school pick or take to orthodontist etc, saying I'll try and do it depending on how my day goes isn't good enough, you need to commit to 50% of everything and that's hard if you haven't had to do it before and give it any headspace.
Talk to DW and explain how you will pick up 50% of all tasks. She may then feel less worried about going back to work. It may also get a confidence issue if she's been out of work place for long time. Would retaining or refreshing her skills help her get a job she's interested in.
Lastly if you've paid off your mortgage before yours DC have started secondary school you are actually doing remarkably well financially.
Is your poor childhood making you feel more worried about finances then you need to be?
Of course if she worked it would help bring in extra money but I think you really need to talk it through.

Are you already doing 50% of the child and house care?

Why on earth would anyone with a SAHP at home be doing 50% of childcare and housework? Especially when all the children are at secondary school, so it's not like running round after a toddler all day where it's hard to also get any housework done.
Obviously he should if she got a job.

She could work, but if it's only got downsides for her like she'd still have to put op's job first and fit round it, and manage the household just the same, then I can understand why she wouldn't want to, (especially if it is likely to end up as low-paid menial work) when there isn't immediate financial necessity.

If OP's planning on doing more at home and on giving her paid work equal priority to his, then it's different.

I would be annoyed if I had to fund another adult and evening the kids needed with that salary.
I don't know what you can do except limit what she spends money on but then that is financially abusive and controlling and she could kick you out of the home for domestic abuse.
I think you need to both look at the tasks of work in and out of the home. She will do loads of invisible labour keeping the home going and the mental load for children. What are you willing to take on (in addition to your full time job) so that she has space to do some work.
There is lots of work that could fit in with her half of school drop offs like being a lunchtime supervisor in a school or nursery or doing work from home admin.

I think you should check if why she doesn’t want to work?

it has a impact on her life, for example if you suddenly die. What will happen?

it’s good for her confidence and pension to consider her own finances in cases of emergency

Do you live very remote since your secondary school children need pickup? Mine didn’t need parents at home when they were that age. They looked after themselves, cooked their own meals etc

I agree with some posters here that it’s really difficult to get back into work if you have been out of the workforce for a long time. It’s better to not give up work in the first place in my view.

Mine and dh plan was that I worked part time TTO while ds was in primary then go back full time when he in secondary.
I'd love to be a stay at home dog mum while ds is at school but we're a team and I've got to do my bit too.
She's being lazy.

The OP said the reason why she didn't work when they were in primary was the pick up not secondary.

If it was a man who was refusing to get a job he would be slated on here.

It’s a tough one because in one way you are on a good position compared to many ( ie. You have paid off your mortgage) but you are right to be thinking about pension and later life. Have you done a pension forecast for the both of you ? Are you wanting to send your kids to uni, are you wanting to provide a cushion for your kids as young adults…talking about those things might make her realise that being ok now may not be the same in the future and that you may face tough choices. I would also ask what’s going on with her mentally…40’s is a bit of a daunting time as many women lose confidence and she’s been out the workplace a long time.