Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

The OP is earning approx £60k. That’s a good above average wage but it isn’t enough in my opinion to support a voluntary SAHP and 2 dependants without forcing them into a lifestyle that is below what should be achievable for the family.

I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is actually below the average wage for a man at what should be a period of his peak earnings. Why should they scrape by in retirement when that’s avoidable?

Nowhere near as a delusional as someone who thinks earning 56k and having two kids is a good idea. This is the reason public services are fucked and universities are collapsing. Everyone needs to pay their way for these things, not expect bail outs from other tax payers/the system.

No it’s not. If you don’t earn 50k per member of house hold, you are not a net contributor - which means you’re taking more than you’re putting back. Children are expensive and they should be the parents expense - not society as a whole.

This is very unfair on OP. Most people I know would consider £56 k an enormous salary and the pension very high, as it's presumably on top of the state pension and will be much higher by retirement, as their mortgage is paid off so early. They're very well off indeed, far above average.

Sorry realised I didn't fully answer. Yes use salary sacrifice. In case In case of split, we'd probably have each get £235k ish. I'd be able to purchase terraced in a not so good area.

This.

Misquoted

Did the not they not mutually agree that she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time?

And you're not talking about moaning when she reneged on an important aspect of the household.

If it was a woman posting these kind of responses would be very different I'm sure

Sorry to be disagreeable, but this is why public services are fucked. A four person family uses lots of services, so this household isn’t washing its face in my opinion. What do you suppose are the costs of dental, doctors, schooling? Do you honestly think the tax on 60k covers it? Utterly delusional.

Yes.

Maybe and god Forbid we say this on here . Is your wife just lazy and possibly entitled.
She is so use to doing as she pleases she feels she doesn’t have to make changes. .

You have untill the next school year to get things sorted . I’d have a serious think about whether you would leave rather than turn resentful.

If so then tell your wife where things are headed and tell her this is your last ditch attempt to make plans together as a couple for the future and work as a team in a new way .

sounds like your willing to help and also that you already do .

As a note home ed pages use tutors . Maybe your wife couod have a look into that

But they're very well off and seem to have planned very well, financially. It's very, very unusual to have paid off a mortgage so young.

So according to you, only the rich should have kids? The OP should be on a huge salary (otherwise he is a complete failure) but it is fine for his wife not to work?

No - they aren’t - even vaguely. A house isn’t a liquid asset unless they own more than one? Where would they live if they liquidised it? For example in a divorce?

Well, they've around the average income for a family that size, which is also average, so I don't think you can blame them. OP's wife is also doing important work picking up the pieces where public services fall short, so it's hardly as if she isn't contributing to society.

People shouldn’t expect high tax payers to cover the costs of their families. Can’t you see that’s just as entitled as his wife supposedly is? The same people whinge about public services, failing schools, closing unis, when they are the bloody problem.

@pocketpairs if you want to continue your thread here you will have to make a link for a new follow on thread as this one will
be full soon .

Ok, it's all relative. They're extraordinarily wealthy compared to all families I know.

No his salary isn't enough for a family of four which is why most families of four have two working adults.

Fair point. I do:

1. Laundry, incl ironing.
2. Breakfast (we both do this)
3. Kids clubs (mainly me), parents evening (both)
4. Mainly DW sickness (i.e. I'm one who's in A&E until 4am)
5. Homework (75% me).

Rest DW.

As a household they pay approximately 15.5k tax, 11k of that would be the kids state school places alone. I’m absolutely flabbergasted that so few understand why public services are so underfunded. Shame on you all.

OK, so the people doing essential but low paying jobs should not be allowed to have kids? What a load of right wing bollocks.

I'm an additional rate tax payer and I do agree that many people aren't contributing enough - but in this instance that means his wife working - not necessarily him earning more! Not everyone can earn huge salaries and I am sure nurses, teachers, paramedics aren't earning big bucks but are certainly contributing. I am happy to pay more tax to fund those services. I'm not, however, happy to pay more tax to fund his wife's life of leisure.

Maybe just have the one if that’s what you can afford. Makes it easier for both parents to work. Children are a privilege - not a right.

@80smonster you're saying that if two staff nurses wanted a baby they shouldn't because they don't pay enough tax?