Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

I had my children quite late in life, retirement has recently crept up on me with one child still at Uni. I can't tell you how fearful I am about financing my retirement. I was caught up in the here and now of Uni costs, mortgages etc, etc and not worrying about my retirement. Now it's rapidly approaching, I've been pouring over my pension which I will be drawing in the next couple of years. It's quite sobering and I have much more in my pension pot than your wife. What sort of retirement does she envisage if she won't work? Presumably her not working means you cant retire early?

I'm happy to jump on this bandwagon too.

'You want me to stop for milk and bread on the way home? You fucking what?! I birthed your three children you selfish prick, go there yourself'.

WTF would that stop anybody working???

Lol 😂

The funny thing is there are some men , usually very rich ones - who would accept this logic of “I birthed your kids so I don’t have to work again” happily.

What people like OPs wife should do is find one of them , not misrepresent themselves to men on slightly above average/ middle class wages who want a career woman and then do a 180 after the ring and kids.

It’s like the men who want a 1950s housewife but don’t tell the women that until they settle down 😏 they should’ve just found a woman who was happy to do that.

In both cases it’s the deception that annoys me.

A friend of mine travels a lot for his work, it sometimes involves relocation. He wanted a woman who would be a SAHM. His ex girlfriend was an ambitious career woman, they parted ways and he found a woman to marry that was happy to stay at home. That’s the way you do it.

Be honest and find someone who can accommodate the type of household you want to have.

I’d be gutted if I married an ambitious guy then he decided he was going to be a house husband.

Well fair's fair, maybe the OP should give up work too. He's got no mortgage after. He pays all the bills. She just doesn't appreciate him.

Childcare - for a 17 year old!? Wise up!

Great questions.

1. We just use credit cards for purchases, and I pay off full balance each month.
2. She's not particularly extravagant, only when giving gift.
3. Joint savings accounts.

Love her yes, she's a really bubbly and nice person, but resentment is growing of this situation.

She's lost her motivation.

Sit with her, go through the bills and split them 50:50. Tell her she has to pay her 50% somehow - give her 2months to find a job and start paying - she may not earn as much as you though, so the 50% would need to be proportionate to income - ie if you both earn £50k, you both pay the same. If you earn £50k and she earns £25k, you pay 2/3, she pays 1/3 etc. If she doesn't go to work, you might want to take drastic action like closing the joint bank account and only permit her access to money for the kids. Drastic I know, but you obviously need her motivated to earn money and they only real way to do it is to not provide access to money....

Split chores 50:50. This is vital if you want your DP to feel valued ref the no earning time she spends on family and house. You need to keep this up 100%, don't slack off.

My DH did this to me. My job when our DCs were small inc international travel and overnight stays, so I had no choice but to agree he didn't work. The reason my job involved these though, is that he gave up work and I had to get a better job. I never really forgave him for forcing me to climb the slippery corporate pole. We didn't split up btw. He died 9 years ago and honestly, I'd rather he was here not working that dead...

Good luck @pocketpairs

Tell her that! It will come between you if you leave it to fester. You're not asking for a lot.

What would happen if you said you don’t want to work so you’re going to give up? Would she think that is unreasonable?

In your shoes, I’d put to is to her and see what she says. I don’t know many people who want to actually work. Most people work because they need money to live and don’t have the luxury not to work.

Splitting up now wouldn’t make financial sense but once the youngest DC is 18…

She does an extremely limited amount more “childcare” than the OP for one older teen and one almost teen who are both out of the house until around 4oclock.

birthed? Well no baby has been shuvved out my fanny(too posh to push)
i can say however I been slashed and had them babies straight out the sunroof

I'm fortunate with work, that I can work from home most days, so do pick up for youngest.

OP, she is exploiting you.
Now can I say "dump her"?

Sorry about your difficulties, but in the OP's case there is no health problem, or external force / misfortune keeping his wife from earning a living. He has said she is "breezy and carefree." And she apparently wants to keep it that way at his expense.

Pulling a voluntary bait and switch when one has agreed to be career focused and an equal financial partner is not admirable, to say the least.

These working men with SAHMs are working in offices full of women colleagues who are Mothers, too.

Resentment will kill your marriage. She needs to know that, and get out of her bubble. Get therapy together, have more serious conversations about how it affects your feelings and marriage. If she really loves you , she should be able to put herself in your shoes. It would break my heart seeing my DH unhappy working like a slave to basically fund my lifestyle, I would find a job tomorrow!

I don't expect older DC to look after younger one, just go to / from school, but I may not have thought that through, as she'll be doing her A levels, so start / finish times won't coincide. I'm working from home 4/5 days per week, so it's not like no ones home. It'll take some adjustments / getting used to.

Also, I have lots of flexibility around work, and we have generous dependency leave (5 days per year), so not like I can't take time to deal with issues, such as sickness.

Any other time on Mumsnet the chorus is fine with 17-year-olds having sex, drinking and even with the potential to be "great dads" when anyone posts upset about a teenage pregnancy.

But when it comes to someone having to get up and go to work, suddenly a 17-year-old is a vulnerable child who needs mummy at home 24/7. Eyeroll.

It depends on the situation.

My experience is Scotland, but if you're solely covering English and you're an English teacher covering for the same classes for a period of time - say every Wednesday and Thursday - there might be an expectation of setting and marking the work.

That would not be the case if you were doing general supply. However, I can also say that supply teaching can soul destroying these days. Not so bad if you can find the right school.

Well you know you can't dump her as suggested by another poster, as she will get half the house and half your pension in the divorce.

Your wife has had years out of the work place: birthing children, looking after them whilst you cannot, putting her life and career on on hold for sickness and holidays, cleaning your house, cooking food, arranging super market shops, doctor and dentist appointments. It’s on you to secure a more senior and better paying job. You had a key part in having two children and it’s time for you to own your own poor financial planning and get a job that sufficiently affords your family. Pointing the finger at your wife doesn’t wash with me at all, if you are the one who has been climbing the corporate ladder, why is your salary so low? You both sound like total incompetents to me, you just happen to be the one with a tiny pension.

If it were me, I’d gladly take my 50% of assets and pension to be free of this whiner. Hopefully OP understands how child maintenance works, because if he can’t care for his kids 50% of the time, he’ll be paying child maintenance too.

I think the wife has arrived.

Have you actually told her that you wouldn't have married her if you had known she would drop out of the workforce? I think she needs to know this; it sounds as though she's "breezily dismissive" of your suggestions. Needs the proverbial wake-up call.

This is so rude.

And 56k is well above the average salary even in London so I don't know why you call it low.