Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

If they're not hard up why is it such an issue?

Love how people are trying to justify staying at home for 6/7 hours a day doing fuck all when the kids are at secondary school.

Because she’s a lazy fucker and he’s going to work all day?

What part of they are getting older, kids becoming more expensive and they’ve got virtually no pensions confused you?

To be fair, I dont now do quite a lot of that now but my oldest is 17. She is ND but also hoping to go to University next autumn so she needs to be able to feed herself, understand how to use public transport, manage her pocket money to buy gifts for her friends and do her own laundry as basic life skills.

Agreed. I was trying to work out how to phrase this. People say what they think others want to hear all the time.

Pensions. His is poor, hers is nonexistent.

I'm totally using this every time I cba doing anything.

Is she unable to work for any reason, is she very overweight?

Of course, 2 adults working brings more opportunities for both of us, and is fully support. She has done many thing she's passionate about now..I'd just like her to be remunerated for one or two of those..to help family finances.

😂

I'm totally using this every time I cba doing anything.

Me too.

Woman works full time and husband has been sahp. . Now kids are in secondary school and he’s unwilling to get a job, any job, but wants to continue going his hobbies, volunteering etc.

How fickke mn is. They’d be alot of replies if written differently.

Bit random?

😂 I'm not sure either of us could keep a straight face for long if I said that.

Me too- already told my husband I'm quitting on Monday. Least he can do is financially support me for the rest of my life because I had his kids.

I mostly always do the pickups, as I mainly work from home.

Sounds fair 😏

Crapology.

It seems to be as if the goalposts have moved. It seems that being financially stable is important to you OP, perhaps because of upbringing. Were you originally on the same page (pre marriage and early parenthood)? Was wife happy going back to work when children school age?

It sounds like the situation is causing stress. I think the fact that not even willing to discuss. You might have a discussion and work through scenarios. After this it may turn out that working would not be beneficial. That extra time you would need to put in does not work. However, at least you would have explored it and feel listened to.

Does wife actually know how much things cost? Is she aware of the increasing cost of living? Some people are actively involved with bills and shopping etc. Others leave to other half.

Even if children go to uni close by there are still costs. Have you asked wife how this is going to be paid for?

Are you working standard hours or extra to maintain lifestyle? What would happen if you voluntary or involuntary reduced hours? How would it go down if you went part time to pursue hobby/voluntary work but stepped up on the home front. Taking some of the work in the house from wife.

It sounds like wife is not lazy as she has voluntary work. Does voluntary work require commitment at set times or more ad hoc which works with children etc? Does she like people to think you are well off as a family? That if she worked even for a small period that would impact status and how people see her. If not, would she think about a temp job? That way, tried it and not committing.

Have you asked her that apart from the fact she thinks you earn enough for both, is there anything else? Have you said how it makes you feel that will not even discuss it? Perhaps there is a reason that she thinks you might think is silly. Have you asked her if there is paid work that she would like to do? Even if this means retraining? If so, could you support her emotionally and financially?

If you don't want to leave wife if she won't work, could you safeguard family future in another way? Perhaps put aside extra funds for pension and uni. If that means less spending money day to day so be it.

Me too. I birthed your kids mate. Open yer wallet. I’m quitting. 😂

Because they're going to be up shit creek when they retire, among many other reasons!!!!

Try valuing her unpaid work.

If I had no mortgage I'd not work either!

She still does childcare for the DCs. You just don't appreciate her.

Also why are so many men coming on MUMsnet complaining about mums?

I hate my job, so I'd gladly drop a day or two, and happily do all the housework.