Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

This is the question nobody seems to be answering! Working parents and single parents manage.

Fair point. All relationships should be fair and equal, and I don't mean just financially. So am I happy with lifestyle, some aspects yes, others no. Do I understand the dynamic shift I'm asking for, I think so yes.

Sometimes people tell you what you want to hear. Even my less ambitious /career driven friends all got part time jobs when their kids went to secondary school , if not before.

It’s possible your wife was never career driven but saw it was important to you so told you what you wanted to hear.

Personally I wouldn’t accept a partner switching up on me like that and becoming a house husband, but you seem to be avoiding confronting this head on for years which has now made things difficult as she’s so used to a certain way of life.

So far you’ve had several pages of responses, and advice. it’s evident you’re going to have to be very clear to your wife about the impact this is having on you, you’re relationship, how it will impact your children’s uni options etc and your pensions etc.

Come with charts, facts etc if you need to but it’s a conversation you need to be having. Either have it out with her now or put up with her not working forevermore because if she refuses to work until the youngest is done with secondary school ,she’ll have even more excuses about why it’s hard to get back into the job market.

You are making a rod for your own back the longer this continues.

Millions of working parents do all of this AND earn a paycheque.

Yes.

The point is, does the OP.

So is he expecting his wife to work AND continue to do this while he continues to work as he has been, or is he going to get involved in this too.

It probably depends how many hours she's actually working. If she works say 5 hours a week and he is working 40, she should still be picking up the majority of the household related work so they have about the same amount of free time.

Surely the Op is only asking that she replaces her voluntary work (or some of it) for paid work.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we didn't have to work and could spend a couple of days per week volunteering at something we enjoy instead?

lol..if I die they'll probably be alright, as I have life insurance.

Exactly and according to OP they do the following :

kids clubs, tuition, bathroom cleaning, ironing (not so much cooking).

And this is with him working full time outside the home and OP not working any (paid) hours outside the home.

I’m sure he’d be happy to do a bit more if she did 4 hours a week of paid work, but come on - 4 hours is a fraction of full time hours. She should still be doing majority of housework.

You can’t share chores equally though if you refuse to work equally. Both should be contributing to the household by roughly the same amount of time so they also have the same free time. OP’s working hours count towards his contribution to the household. At the minute his wife doesn’t work so she does most of the domestic work, she has at least 6 free house a day to do this, significantly more next year when the youngest is in secondary school and can make his own way.
If the wife works a couple of hours a week she still takes on the bulk of the household.
If she wants what to be split evenly then the financial work needs to be split evenly too.

The posters twisting themselves in knots to proclaim the wife couldn’t possibly find any more time in order to facilitate any sort of paid work are just making absolute mugs of themselves.

I suggest an easy part time day job, maybe some coaching in hols, then she can decide, what next?

Agree. As I said in my original post, I wouldn't have entered this union if I had know DW would change their mind about working. DCs will be fine, I'll / we'll make sis they are.

Absolute bullshit. Sorry but this has made me rage. She’s fucking lazy.

OP I am with you 100 per cent
If this post was written by a woman with a man sitting at home with kids in secondary school or even in primary, he would be called cocklodger.
But because you are a man pointing out your wife is not doing her fair share, in MN that's different, you see, double standadrs when it comes to women choosing not to work.

You are right, I wouldn't put up with it. She needs to contribute financially. She chose not to have a career by staying at home that's fine. Now she needs a job, any job to contribute to the cost of living. She is an adult with grown up children.

in our home my DH and me both work full time. We manage to have a clean house, feed the family, do the "life admin" and drive the kids to activities. And I think kids learn that it's important to have jobs and shared financial responsibility. I feel very close to our children.

OP you are in the wrong place to complain about this. I am sorry because I feel you are 100 per cent right.

Life can be full of the unexpected! She may have had ideas about you, that aren’t as she expected.
i never expected a long term progressive health condition at 55, didn’t know till 60, no longer able to work at 62.
Always struggled with jobs too, I got by, with minimum jobs, luckily divorced now, my ex would have found that hard.
These things we can’t predict

This list is absolutely bloody outrageous as a list of things that try to justify a sahm to older children. We both work full time and do this

• Do you buy, wash, and iron their uniforms? Yes mainly me
• Do you make their lunches every day? No- they have lunches in school like many others.
• Do you keep track of all the school events and take time off work to attend plays, concerts, sports events? Yes both of us do this
• Do you get up in the night when one of the DCs is throwing up? Yes both of us
• Do you do the subsequent laundry? Yes as quite clearly it needs to be done
• Do you schlep them to extra curricular activities or weekdays and weekends? Yes both of us- mainly me during the week and both at weekends
• Do you buy and wash and pack sports kits? Yes- this takes no time at all
• Do you choose and buy and wrap birthday gifts when they're invited to parties, and do you drip off and pick up? Yes both of us
• How many of their friends' parents do you know? Lots of them
• Do you cook many meals every week? Share cooking between us
• Do you do laundry for the children? Mainly me
• Do you get them breakfast? My 5 and 8 year olds are capable of getting breakfast themselves. I’d consider my parenting an absolute failure if a 17 year old couldn’t manage.

Rather than trying to solve the problem of what she wants to do by making suggestions she can shoot down, you would be better off telling her your bottom line and letting her work out what she wants to do from there. If you keep trying to come up suggestions, she will just keep saying no. Tell her she needs to get some kind of paid employment, not full time but up to xx hours a week so that the money can be put toward uni expenses for the kids. How she does it - supermarket shift, shop work, charity type work - is up to her. One of my friends worked at a theme park part time.

yes but I bet you wouldn’t be paying for life insurance past 70. Your kids will have grown but she is putting herself at massive risk of an impoverished old age and I certainly wouldn’t be prepared to be putting money away in her name if she won’t contribute financially at all.

I know - it's a pretty feeble attempt at justifying it.

These things need to be done - what on earth does everyone think working parents are doing? Not feeding their kids or doing the laundry clearly.

Life can be full of the unexpected! She may have had ideas about you, that aren’t as she expected.

I don’t think it is unexpected for the wife. It’s not some mysterious illness that’s come upon her, this is a deliberate choice that she’s made every day for ten years.

Furthermore it’s possible she knew exactly what her plan was for marriage /their household set up after kids, but misled OP into thinking she was “career driven” to get the ring.

We see on here all the time women are often deceived by men who pretend
to be progressive and kind and helpful around the house etc to get them up the aisle, then they totally change after kids and marriage, but in this particular situation it sounds like the wife had the husband fooled.

You earn 56k and no mortgage? That's plenty. Unless she's spending a lot of your money what is the issue? This is the woman who birthed and raised your children.

And those of us who work didn't birth or raise children?! It's not a get out of jail free card for the rest of your life.

Agree with you and also add: kids in secondary school make their own breakfast, can make themselves sandwiches and simple meals. Load the washing machine and tumble drier and dishwasher too. Prepare their books and uniforms for school and do their homework and have showers by themselves.

I'm partly outraged by some of the views on here but also I'm equally comforted that so many of you are also outraged.