Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Well…you can’t force her to work, so you have only very drastic options I suppose.

What happened when your response
to her counter-arguments was to agree you’d pick the children up 50% of the time? Surely that was the end of the discussion.

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

No Comment

Likewise.

I think it’s time for a very serious and transparent chat, she has to work, you are no longer willing or able to fund an entire household which if DC are now in secondary school is essentially 4 adults and although 56K is not a small salary, it’s not a large one when you consider it has to fund the lives of 4 adults. Considering you have expensive years to come of uni, driving lessons, potentially kids continuing to live at home for years to come, retirement etc. You need to decide how much of a hard line this is for you. If it’s your hard limit for the relationship then you need to explain that to her, and there is only one route to go down if she refuses to get a job so you need to decide if that’s a route you’re willing to venture down.

What do you feel you don’t have enough for ?
Mortgage paid off and £56 k salary sounds good for mid 40 s.
Are you spending too much on luxuries that lead to a requirement for a higher income ?

More context needed here .

So often in these situations, one partner expects some kind of Schrodinger's Wife, who brings in extra money whilst also enabling their partner to work with a clear path.

So when she 'countered' with 'who will pick up the children' do you come back with an actual plan or some vague 'we'll manage'

Who manages the family admin etc
Secondary school still involves a lot of input. Who is doing that?

I went self-employed to be flexible around the children etc but it means I'm responsible for everything now. Really wish I'd not bothered.

What's your solution to her dilemma? Someone needs to pick the children up from school and take them there, I presume. Are you going take over the other tasks she does? Run the house, make appointments and take children to the appointments, cook their dinners etc ?

Also what work are you expecting her to do?

You can't just walk into a good job after a long career break.

Have you offered help with training? A course or qualification would be an ideal thing to do with secondary aged children

Oh that is tough OP

1. have you sat down with her and gone through the finances and shown her exactly why your salary isn’t enough to sustain 4 ppl now snd 2 ppl in retirement. She might (might!) genuinely not see the reality
2. is she scared about returning to work and dressing it up as “I don’t want to and we don’t need me to work”?
3. sge has been out of the workplace a while - is she a bit overwhelmed about where to start?

these are just suggestions. However if it’s bluntly cos she’s a lazy arse who thinks providing money is down to you then I’m not sure there is a future :/

What's your solution to her dilemma? Someone needs to pick the children up from school and take them there, I presume

They're in secondary school. I read the OP as saying that picking children up from school was her reason for not working while they were in primary school.

It is relevant to see how OP plans to deal with household chores, if his wife did get a full time job. And whether those would actually be split, or if she'd still end up doing them. But you don't need someone home full time to run a house.

What if you cut your hours, so as to do more of what child and house work remains?

Or how about writing down university, pension, etc. costs, so she can see clearly what amount of money the family needs and then look at what kind of job and what hours might achieve this?

Also, perhaps she genuinely doesn't feel up to it and needs some help with confidence.

Your financial situation sounds very good indeed to me, but I can imagine that extra costs as children are growing up and worries about pensions and security mean you need to feel supported and that you have a plan in place, rather than bearing the responsibility alone. Perhaps telling her how you feel and how worried you are might help, showing vulnerability and asking for her support?

This.

If you want her to go back to work, are you planning on being more flexible about your work yourself to fill the gaps at home? Or are you expecting her to fit paid work around school hours and housework?

If you're planning on doing school runs and taking time off to cover children's illness and holidays equally, so that your spouse can actually pursue a fulfilling career then that's one thing.

If you're just expecting her to take anything but fit it round your career and the children, then I can see why it's not an attractive offer.

I’m also intrigued as to what your answer was to collecting children etc? Although if they are in secondary school can they walk/bus the journey?

maybe you need to talk to her about what life might look like in retirement with just one pension. It would make sense for her to at least earn her tax free allowance but I agree that if you want her to work, you need to down our what you are happy to do towards housework, cooking, life admin, school drop offs etc

She is working. Is she not cleaning your house, cooking, doing all the chores? Is she taking your DC to dental appts, hobbies etc?

Never think a woman at home is not working.

Unless you are coming home to an absolute tip and she really is sitting on her phone all day (in which case, maybe she could be depressed)

When someone has been out of the workplace for years, and is now possibly peri menipausal, their confidence is shot.

Your DW has been looking after your kids, your home and you (presumably) have been able to go to work each day with no worries about poorly kids, calls from the school, shopping needing done.

Kids LOVE a stay at home parent. It is sooooo worth the financialsacrifice.

Teens need it most of all, IMO.

Support your DW if you love her. Be proud to support her.

We both work. If my husband refused to work I'd find that so uncollaborative and unsupportive that I don't think I could stay in the relationship. My earnings outstrip his by more than three and he could run the same arguments as your wife but we are in this together.

You are very kind to say don't comment if your advice is to end the relationship! I think i'd despair at the selfishness - life is so expensive and i'm sure you want to retire at some point.

I think time for a serious sit down with some projections around finances. Find out if it's entitlement speaking or lack of confidence returning to the job market. Also, the school run is not an excuse not least as there are jobs that fit around that plus plenty of parents manage. An expectation reset is needed....

In the past few years, when you broached the subject of returning your work and she said about pickups/drop offs and housework, what was your response?

If you've been wanting her to return to work while still doing all the pick ups and drop offs and sick days and appointments and housework and everything else then I can understand her position...

My ExH wanted me to go back to work when my youngest got to primary age, and I did, but he also wouldn't do any pick ups etc and all house and child stuff was my responsibility.

There's no reason why she shouldn't work now if the youngest is in high school soon. She needs to contribute towards the household whether you can manage or not , the relationship doesn't sound like a team imo.

I don't understand why secondary school children need to be picked up? Surely they are old enough to get themselves to and from school?

I also don't understand why so many people are defending her, millions of parents both work so it's very possible.

Personally I like having my own money even though my partner earns triple what I do, it's independence and I pay my contributions to ensure I get a full state pension.

I wouldn't want to be the sole earner while she sits around all day, I don't care what you say about appointments and so called life admin, working parents still manage it perfectly well.

I think it's a lot to expect one parent to continually shoulder the financial burden. I also think if one parent is going to be a SAHP then both need to be fully on board.

I do agree with the others that you need to honestly talk to her about taking 50% of the home stuff on, taking kids to hobbies, school stuff (being aware of homework etc in secondary) as well as housework and cooking. That might mean that your working life will have to be different and there'll be more physical stuff to do and responsibility. If you're 100% on board with that then I'd have the conversation.

If she just point blank refuses then you have a choice to make about your future and what you're willing to put up with.

I agree and I do work.

But it requires agreement and working together, and the OP hasn't said what they will do to facilitate that.

If they are just expecting her to fit work into the existing setup, then that seems unreasonable.

I couldn't cope with being in a relationship with someone who doesn't work. Even if it was 1-2 short days volunteering in a food bank or charity shop.
I would feel I was enabling someone's selfish choices not to contribute to society.

I doubt very much she sits around all day. She has also facilitated you going to work without having to worry about the children.

What sort of paid work do you think she will get now and or expect her to do in the workplace?.

I am inclined to agree with this.

If she’s been out of work this long she’s not going to go back to a job earning much unless she completely retrains (possible).

We have a similar income to you - admittedly some of that is disability benefits, I’m disabled and Ds is disabled, so it’s a slightly different situation and we manage fine. I can’t work and dh is happy for me to be at home. It’s fine if you want her to work but you could manage on your income and have been, so that isn’t a reason really.