Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

Plenty of couples work full time with kids and manage to get the “housework” done. And do drop offs to activities etc.

I am giving her the benefit of doubt and suspect she is feeling overwhelmed at the thought of it and doesn’t know what career she wants. Maybe try and tease out some information - is there a career path she would like to pursue? Does she need training? Perhaps she could try part time?
I’m a great believer in the benefits of employment being greater than the salary. The connections, sense of purpose, feelings of achievement.

IF she is just being lazy then it’s a compatibility issue which you may not be able to resolve.

N9 it isn’t. Good grief. It is only financial abuse if he also,prevents her working.

in effect she’s financially abusing him, she’s depriving him of his money, starving his pension and refusing to work.

cutting her off is not abuse, she’s no entitlement. As long as he doesn’t also prevent her working.

The usual on here @pocketpairs and Spuddy, defend the female.

To balance the views you have been given, post again as a female, turning the post around about your DH who does not want to work and read the responses.

I think you need to plan this out, together. Look at the finances, and future spends, agree arrangements for the school run if needed. That way you are removing the barriers to addressing this.

Honestly, it's not that hard having 2 parents working full time once kids are high school age as long as you both do your share and buy in some help. We both work ft and have a cleaner once a week and food delivery based on a meal plan. I do a quick top up clean on a Saturday. Dh does most of the running around to after school activities and we have a cooking/washing routine. Life admin is sorted online during lunch break. The only tricky bit is walking the dog when it gets dark early in winter.

I think posters are right that you need to look at the retirement you both want and see how you work as a team to achieve that.

@pocketpairs
You say she was a teacher before. What subject? Tutoring is more realistic in some subjects than others.
Does she feel she can't do anything but teach, but can't face restarting as a teacher?
If so tell her join the Facebook group 'life after teaching' for ideas of what she could do next.
Not working once kids are in secondary is bonkers. Part time (where feasible, no judgement to anyone) makes sense though as it does make a difference having someone at home when kids get back on some days.

I agree with PPs that you need to discuss future expenses like driving lessons etc. Is she primary or secondary? Tutoring and/or exam marking would make sense if she can't face going back into the classroom.

Well what do YOU feel your options are?

There's really no point in speculating about whether DC need to be taken to and from school. They might live somewhere this is necessary, or have circumstances that make it such. They might not. We don't know until OP tells us.

Ultimatum time. Nowadays most families work full time using wrap around care etc when both kids at school there is no excuse for not even a part time role. Wtf is she doing all day

You're being taken for a mug. It is unusual for both parents not to be working (even if one is only part time) when kids are secondary age.

For context I've always worked, sometimes full-time and sometimes 80% FTE. I also manage all the cooking, cleaning and life admin. My ex works full-time.

At secondary is there not a bus or walking option for the kids? Or they can stay for homework club etc to give more pickup time options?

If someone wants to work they'll find a way. If they don't, they'll find excuses. Your dw could work part time as a TA if she doesn't want to be a teacher?

Its really scary to have to think about going back out to work when you have been out of work for a long time looking after kids and the home. I don't know what your wife does with her time but she might spend a lot of time supporting the kids who often need a lot of time and attention though their teens as well as running the home, cooking etc. You might get a shock if she returns to work and then suddenly those things aren't getting done automatically. She might be concerned about how she is going to do all she currently does as well as work. In her mid 40's it is likely she is already in perimenopause and that can put a huge dent in her confidence and wellbeing.

I think you need to be gentle, is there perhaps a course she'd be interested in or any kind of volunteering she might like to do to ease her back into that world? Perhaps then she could find a part time work from home position or just part time in general. Its probably not going to work just to force her into working fulltime over night.

Tbh Op I'm wondering about your attitude to women with comments like this

Totally disagree, being clean is a non-negotiable requirements for both partners. More than that, partner need to make an effort for each other, dressing up, putting make up, and (trying to) lose weight if they have put on loads.

On another thread you suggested an 18yr 'upgrade' their girlfriend when she wouldn't lend them over £600 to pay their rent and on another you suggested that a husband who ruined their wife's birthday may have had 'an off day'.

Yes I've got too much time on my hands.

I'd like to hear your wife's side.

I agree with you op she should be working even a few hours in the school day will be a big help to the pension pot.

Posters saying what about school pickup/drop off cooking meals making appointments etc are probably stay at home mums that use these things as excuses themselves.
I say that being a single working mum that does it all. work life does not stop because you have to make an appointment or cook for your children. That said if she does go back to work you have todo your fair share at home.

@pocketpairs do your children get to and from school independently now?

I'm assuming they don't need to be driven, because of distance.

This.

Even part time could bring in £1000 a month, a game changer.

Her refusal to compromise in any way would sour the whole relationship. It would feel like financial abuse to me.

But I'm a single mum, have always worked full-time, have done all the home stuff too, and don't like excuses.

Well maybe you should reduce the spare cash by increasing your savings or pension? Maybe that would incite some motivation?

The online tuition market is flooded.

You are saying that she could do 3-4 hours worth of work a week and earn 100-120 pounds.

Firstly, there is limited demand for online education tuition. Mostly maths and English at gcse level, very very limited for anything else.

Secondly, an awful lot of uni students worked out a while ago that online tuition pays much much better than retail or bar work and so they advertise on all the main sites. Because they tend to charge less than qualified teachers they pick up a lot of the work. They usually charge 20-30 pounds an hour.

For example this site which has a lot of tutors on it and is well used advertised that all their tutors are students at top universities.

https://www.mytutor.co.uk/find-tutors?utmterm=tutors&utmmcampaign=CT%7CSEARCH%7CUK%7CGENERIC%7CEXACT%7C&utmsource=google&utmmmedium=cpc&utmcontent=683037033500%7C&hsaaacc=4993620389&hsacam=20820790694&hsaagrp=157236368298&hsaad=683037033500&hsaasrc=g&hsatgt=kwd-12616076&hsaakw=tutors&hsamt=e&hsaanet=adwords&hsaver=3&gaddsource=1&gbraid=0AAAAADIlUzQIAd0C6HmGYpDptXRSOc6sZ&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIueXkp7rliAMV65JQBh1y7g9fEAAYASAAEgJkSPD_BwE

Is she scared to go back to work? It can be very daunting starting a new job? Why not suggest p/t wfh role?

Ok. So your response didn't address any of the questions about how you envisioned you picking up a bit more of the housework/childcare responsibilities if she went back to work, so your answer was presumably none.

Which gives us a bit of an idea of why her mindset is where it is.

I know every family is completely different so this will be a totally bespoke thing, but for me with two teenagers I probably put in about it if you F dds 4 hours per day 'work' . Stuff like lifts, shopping, cooking, laundry, admin for thrm.
dds CD F we're re Rees CD e if e we
Add g F iff cds ddsband, who from your own resp Conses, seems to contribute zero to house, say an hour, and that's a total of 5. (I was blown away when my own ex Ed Reede we de tiffedre dsd hours ish a day, I still can't exactly fathom what).

But that still leaves about 3 that she could free off d dd s

So I think you need to approach it from a place that recognises her enormous contribution to your household, rather than from your posts seemingly dismissing it as nothing, no if you want to get anywhere with B a r fc bc easonable conversation that a few hours work a day is now feasible.

@pocketpairs If your wife is already volunteering, she might as well use that time to pull in some actual money.
It's not fair on you for one to be 'lazy' while the other does all the providing.

It can soon lead to resentment as you rightly say.

It's not a given your children will go to university and there are loans available if they do.

As for your wife, if she goes back, it's up to her what she does. She may not choose to go back to teaching however she'll have transferable skills.

If she's got her head in the sand, a careers consultant might be an idea. They can work with her on what she wants to do and help her find a new career.

However if she goes full time, you both need to work out how you'll manage the house and childcare: cooking, activities, appointments etc

I think the OP is getting a hard time. I gave up a good career because my husband earned more to look after my DCs. As soon as they went to primary school I got a job in a primary school so that I could do school hours. It didn't pay much, but it did pay and I could still pick the kids up. I think your DW has got used to being at home and doesn't want to work. As a teacher there is so many options available to her. A friend of mine does 5 hours of tutoring a week...at a fee of £50 per hour! Certainly not to be sniffed at.

If the roles were reversed I would be very disappointed if my DH said he wasn't going to work. Why should men always be expected to be the sole breadwinner. I know there are many women out there who out earn their partners but would you be happy to be doing it alone.
I think it is ultimatum time...if you don't want a divorce then perhaps only pay for the bare necessities, no treats, no holidays etc...put the money towards the DH university costs.

I agree £56k is not a huge amount amount and if OPs job is ever under threat there would be a problem.

I know 2 women like the Ops wife, but their husbands earn more.

Agree also that OP should offer to do 50% of housework etc etc.

However it is difficult to get someone with that mindset to work. Hard enough to get a job full stop nevermind with that negativity..

Sorry - my post took twenty minutes to post so missed a bit...

What does your DW think couples who both work full time do? If both your children are at highschool, then they can get transport there and back. If younger, ASC. Or work part time and one parent does drop off, the other does pick up. I think it's fine to have one parent at home all the time, but both have to be on board with it and you need to be able to afford it. We couldn't afford to live on 56k, even without a mortgage and it would absolutely terrify me to have a small pension pot and no genuine plan to up it. Is your wife not concerned about the future? What would she do if this was a non negotiable for you and you divorced? Do you pull your weight at home etc.?