Other half refuses to work...

[pocketpairs]

I would appreciate some genuine advice, so if just going to write "finish relationship", please don't comment.

Both mid 40s, married 18 yrs, 2 DCs. When we got together, DW was very career driven. I grew up in poor family, before we got married , I said in no uncertain terms that "I won't marry someone who won't work (in some form)"

After DC1, she dropped to part time. After DC2 to 1 day w/p, then we mutually agreed she'd stop work until DC was started primary school full time.

Last few years, I've broached the subject about her restarting work, but she's proposed counter-arguments (i.e. who's going to pick DC from school, etc).

Now DC2 is starting secondary school next year, tried to have a serious conversation, and she's said in no uncertain terms she "won't work". She feels we have enough enough to live a comfortable life.

I'm at my wits end, as we don't have enough, and certainly don't have enough for future. Mortgage paid off, I earn £56k (approx), some savings, & £80k pension pot (not much I know!). She has 3 years in DB pension.

So what next?!

How much they have is irrelevant - only one of them is financially contributing.

Understandly she's worried about picking up kids from school, but in a years time when they are at same school (& DC1 is 17), they should be able to cope until we get home from work.

Plus I'm not advocating that she works full time, or even away from home. She's a teacher, so online tutoring is an option. But just closed down the conversation, saying we have enough.

I think you need to re-visit the conversation and discuss how to divide the household task and finances. I would be blunt and tell her you are not happy to continue supporting her not to work and share with her how you helping around the house.

The kids are old enough now, if that’s been her argument thus far (although plenty parents work no matter what age their kids are…). She’s being lazy and needs to step up and share some financial responsibility. You need to have a serious talk I think op, being clear how seriously you feel about this. Put everything on the table though, so all the household stuff and life admin, and work out how to split it all. However, you obvs can’t ‘make her’ work, so what are you prepared to do if she continues to refuse..?

It was a bit silly of you to encourage her to give up work completely when the kids were young. You don't want advice if it's 'end the relationship' so I'm not sure what else I can say. She's taking advantage. I earn similar to you and managed a single adult household on that wage but it's not enough to carry two adults indefinitely and why should it? I'd be ashamed to refuse to work and rely on someone else to keep me.

Pay the bills but give her no access to any other money, no disposable income. You can’t force her to work, she can’t force you to give her money. She’s no legal entitlement to your wage.

so cut her off.

Financially, with mortgage paid off 56k should be plenty for you to live on and support the kids (in the real world, I know MN world is different!) but the issue with her not wanting to work, I don’t know what to advise really. Would she work a couple of days a week? I think that is fair when the kids are at school, I don’t know any parents with kids where both parents work full time, so I wouldn’t expect it personally.

Why don't you want people to comment that you should end the relationship?

If you post on here, you have to expect a range of responses.

@namechange1986 came here to say this. All the comments about the wife being at home and she is working by running the house etc. And the comments putting it back on OP by asking if he has offered to do half the school runs - that wouldn’t be asked if it was the wife working and the man that had decided he didn’t want to.

Do we have enough - yes. I even manage to save a modest amount each month. But things have gotten tighter over past few years, particularly kids (school trips abroad, tuition, etc - appreciate these are optional).

My main concern is for the future, as we don't, or won't, have decent pensions. The other side is a feeling (rightly or wrongly) of feeling this unfair...I work when she has the option of pottering around volunteering.

What does she do in the day? Do you come home to a clean house, laundry done and dinner ready? Are you willing to pick up 50% of household chores if she gets a job?

@pocketpairs your reply suggests you don't think this will impact you at all.

What advice do you think there feasibly is? You can't force her to work, so if you're not willing to break up the relationship what other option is there?

If she is bright she'd realise if the relationship ends she will be forced to work anyway, so better off working with a husband supporting than as a lone parent. Maybe she knows you're not willing to end the relationship so is hedging her bets. Doesn't sound like a pleasant relationship either way.

Of course it’s unfair. Bordering on abusive. She won’t work as she says you e a comfortable life. So stop her having any disposable income; put it in your pension. If she wants money to spend on herself she will be forced to earn it. No clothes, make up. Fuel. Nothing.

What advice do you think there feasibly is? You can't force her to work, so if you're not willing to break up the relationship what other option is there

well clearly he cuts off all her access to any money.

With mortgage paid off it’s not clear why £56k salary isn’t enough. How will you divide household tasks once she’s working, are you prepared to do the cooking and cleaning etc? If my mortgage was paid off I’d be happy for my partner to stop working so he could focus on cooking nice meals and maintaining the household. It would be a much more manageable lifestyle than the current one where we are both working full time.

I can see your point but that would be financial abuse

But you’re not him, glad you’re such a big person though,

The kids are out of the house all day every day and have been for years. Unless she's taking a toothbrush to the floor tiles or is the single most inefficient person alive it's impossible to fill a whole day with cleaning the house.

Dentists is once a year, doctors probably not significantly more often and most 'life admin' is on auto renew or direct debits unless you have significant health challenges that require multiple appointments or you deliberately choose to make your life as difficult as possible.

Being a SAHM if both adults in the relationship agree is fine but they don't and it really is not necessary when both kids are in secondary school and no childcare will be needed.

No it wouldn’t it would only be financial abuse if he also prevented her working. It is not remotely abuse to not financially support an adult capable of working.

I don’t think this is enough and 80k pension is not much either.

Not much advice apart from you stick to your guns and said you can’t keep supporting her.

Some people just don’t want to work. I think is a bit selfish on the other partner. I am assuming you are willing to pick up half of the admin, house work, cooking and childcare so she can work.

She could also find a job in a school or term time.

I know I’m not him, we come to Mumsnet to shard different perspectives. No need to be hostile about that.

Get her to look at her teachers pension online - it might motivate her to return.

I would check her confidence is ok. So many different types of teaching g and tuition available.

I would talk about the £demands of university.

to get her to consider what happens if you become unwell or can’t work.

if she still won’t discuss or consider working then I I would split sooner rather than later as hopefully her pre kids pension balances your pot. You risk otherwise working for another twenty years then splitting and giving her half of everything including your pension. I am the only worker in my house but my partner is ill so that is fine. I wouldn’t tolerate such a lack of team work otherwise. It’s neither fair or necessarily sustainable

Yes, I'd start with this. Take on some of the mental load of working out how the things she does now will be split and outsourced. And you should clarify whether you want her to get a job now, or you're willing to wait until DC starts secondary.

So if she's talking about taking the DC to school, do you live in a city with lots of public transport options, or are you further out and someone will need to drive? If so, will that be split 50/50 or are you expecting her to work around all that? This is particularly important if you want her to start a job while DC is still in primary and presumably there's no school bus or similar.

Then also, wraparound and holiday care. You have a 10-11 year old. Are they and the older one mature enough to be left for longer periods, or will something need to be arranged, and if so who'll be doing that and will you go 50/50? Or perhaps you have the sort of job where you could work from home and be an adult presence in the house but leave them to it. If your younger one is likely to need some type of provision, identifying this is work. Tweens are a tricky age for this type of stuff, lots of it evaporates when they leave primary. Again there needs to be a plan.

Ultimately, neither of you can force the other one to do what you want, but the ultimate outcome is one you've said you don't want to consider. So I think your best thing is to make it very clear you're not going to be one of those blokes who wants all the benefits of the long term SAHP as well as a second income, with no compromises.

Good point, & I appreciate that in many circumstances both work, but the wife typically end up doing all the admin and the housework.

I'm very involved with children and their education, and I'm not proposing full time work. It just makes little financial sense for me to work extra with a marginal tax rate of 48%, when she can earn £12.5k tax free, and built up NI contributions.