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Original poster

My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

767 replies

Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:05

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 27/09/2024 07:13

You give him a deadline - ‘DP, your stuff needs to be moved out of my house, you may have use of the shed but thats it. Anything still here after 2 weeks will be disposed of.’
Don’t give in! Buy him some bin bags, get him the details of self storage units, book a skip!

Icarus40 · 27/09/2024 07:15

That sounds really difficult.

Would he consider renting some storage space- one of those containers in an industrial estate? Or does he physically need the stuff in the same space as him?

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:17

I’m going to suggest a rented storage place. But I think he has a problem because it’s doesn’t seem normal to need all this stuff. Most of it is unusable. I worry how they will be in 10 years, how much space is he going to need to rent.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 27/09/2024 07:17

Hoarding is a mental illness so not easy to resolve. Which doesn't mean you have to put up with it obviously, but it's not an easy resolution unless you are actually willing to end the relationship over it.

How has he responded when you've spoken about it?

DustyLee123 · 27/09/2024 07:18

Tell him to move back to his own house.

BananaGrapeMelon · 27/09/2024 07:18

This would drive me absolutely mad but for some people it's surprisingly hard to stop. Does he have any suggestions for how to address this?

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:19

Soontobe60 · 27/09/2024 07:13

You give him a deadline - ‘DP, your stuff needs to be moved out of my house, you may have use of the shed but thats it. Anything still here after 2 weeks will be disposed of.’
Don’t give in! Buy him some bin bags, get him the details of self storage units, book a skip!

Originally we built the shed for this purpose but it doesn’t fit and he continues to bring stuff home. What I don’t get is how happy it makes him and how little he seems to understand how totally unfair it is. Hes totally happy to have several bikes all that need work doing but there being no space for anyone else’s bike. He will never have the time to do any of the projects.

OP posts:
MrsGlennBulb · 27/09/2024 07:20

Your poor kids, why on earth are you letting him destroy their home?

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:20

TidyDancer · 27/09/2024 07:17

Hoarding is a mental illness so not easy to resolve. Which doesn't mean you have to put up with it obviously, but it's not an easy resolution unless you are actually willing to end the relationship over it.

How has he responded when you've spoken about it?

He sulks and literally goes silent, he acts like a child. I can’t get him to reason or understand my point of view. He sees absolutely no issue with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:20

DustyLee123 · 27/09/2024 07:18

Tell him to move back to his own house.

I’m at a point where I’m really tempted.

OP posts:
timetodecide2345 · 27/09/2024 07:21

He's a selfish a hole. Get rid of him and his shit.

BananaGrapeMelon · 27/09/2024 07:21

What does he say when you say "DP, the kids want a bike but they can't have one because there's no space". Does he actually say he doesn't care?

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:21

MrsGlennBulb · 27/09/2024 07:20

Your poor kids, why on earth are you letting him destroy their home?

Exactly, I’ve had just about enough of this selfish behaviour. I’ve managed it so far but we at a turning point now where enough is enough!

OP posts:
Boobygravy · 27/09/2024 07:22

It is a mental illness.
However it would be a hard no, get rid of your stuff or leave.
It’s affecting you dc now and that’s wrong.

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:23

BananaGrapeMelon · 27/09/2024 07:21

What does he say when you say "DP, the kids want a bike but they can't have one because there's no space". Does he actually say he doesn't care?

I say to him why is this fair and he speaks a load of nonsense about him wanting to fix them up, he has all the bits etc etc. He won’t directly answer the question. He won’t agree it’s not fair, he won’t enter the conversation in a way where he takes others feelings into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:23

Boobygravy · 27/09/2024 07:22

It is a mental illness.
However it would be a hard no, get rid of your stuff or leave.
It’s affecting you dc now and that’s wrong.

I think he is/has ASD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:26

I do care about him a lot, he has so many good qualities it would be a shame to end it but I’ve had enough of this.

OP posts:
Dearg · 27/09/2024 07:34

His hoarding is affecting you and your dc.

You are right to consider where this goes in the next 10 years.

He has to move out, with all his shit. As pp suggest give him a deadline then reclaim your space. Skip, bin bags, whatever is needed, clean up the inside of the house first, and if he is still there with you, any new crap he brings home is binned next day.

He may be ill, but he is not a great father/partner if he won’t engage in a discussion of how his illness affects the family, and if he won’t take steps to get help.

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:41

Dearg · 27/09/2024 07:34

His hoarding is affecting you and your dc.

You are right to consider where this goes in the next 10 years.

He has to move out, with all his shit. As pp suggest give him a deadline then reclaim your space. Skip, bin bags, whatever is needed, clean up the inside of the house first, and if he is still there with you, any new crap he brings home is binned next day.

He may be ill, but he is not a great father/partner if he won’t engage in a discussion of how his illness affects the family, and if he won’t take steps to get help.

He does what I think is called stonewalling. Or he redirects to things I do wrong to get me off the subject. Give it a few months and I’m back to thinking about it and wanting it all gone again. I’m at the point now where it goes or he goes sadly. Lots of it could be sold and is worth money. But most of it causes him great anxiety.

OP posts:
CoffeandTiaMaria · 27/09/2024 07:41

I’m afraid I would have kicked him out long ago. If he goes now I bet he doesn’t take his cr@p with him OP, he’ll find some excuse or another.

redboxer321 · 27/09/2024 07:42

@Rainbow03 Did you post about this some time ago before your partner moved in?
That poster - not sure if it was you - was repeatedly told to not move in together due to his untreatable mental health problem which hoarding usually is.
He was constantly going to car boot sales and collecting the tops of coke cans if I remember correctly.
Either way, living separately is all you can do. You can't fix him that's for sure.

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:43

CoffeandTiaMaria · 27/09/2024 07:41

I’m afraid I would have kicked him out long ago. If he goes now I bet he doesn’t take his cr@p with him OP, he’ll find some excuse or another.

Difficult when we have a 2 year old. I have another child also. If not for them then he would be gone. He is a fantastic father (apart from the hoarding) he is brilliant with them. It’s such a shame.

OP posts:
lavenderlou · 27/09/2024 07:43

My partner is a hoarder. We have certain areas that he confines it to (shed, garage, study, loft) so that it doesn't encroach on our living space. I don't go into those areas because it stresses us both out. Does he acknowledge he's a hoarder? That's an important step. Then it really requires therapy - it won't get better without any intervention so I think you need to talk to him about what he is prepared to do.

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:43

redboxer321 · 27/09/2024 07:42

@Rainbow03 Did you post about this some time ago before your partner moved in?
That poster - not sure if it was you - was repeatedly told to not move in together due to his untreatable mental health problem which hoarding usually is.
He was constantly going to car boot sales and collecting the tops of coke cans if I remember correctly.
Either way, living separately is all you can do. You can't fix him that's for sure.

Probably was me. It was such a difficult situation with being pregnant and he is a great father. It’s just the bloody stuff!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbow03 · 27/09/2024 07:44

lavenderlou · 27/09/2024 07:43

My partner is a hoarder. We have certain areas that he confines it to (shed, garage, study, loft) so that it doesn't encroach on our living space. I don't go into those areas because it stresses us both out. Does he acknowledge he's a hoarder? That's an important step. Then it really requires therapy - it won't get better without any intervention so I think you need to talk to him about what he is prepared to do.

That’s the thing it’s encroaching. Not only that I want to be able to use the garage, store the kids toys etc.

OP posts: