My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

It’s so difficult OP.
i used to live with someone like this. My boundary was if anything was unsafe or stopping something being used for its purpose (eg things stored in front of cupboard stopping doors opening) then that would have to go.
I agree with others- set a deadline and if not sorted or gone by then it has to go.
I get that it’s a mental illness but your mental health and your kids mental health matters too and it isn’t kind for them to grow up with this.

As others have said, he’s a hoarder. You’ll never cure him. I’ve never heard of a hoarder being cured. He’ll bring in more and more stuff, till you can’t move.

My Mum is a hoarder. Nothing ever gets thrown away, and several times she’s looked in my bin (she lives next door) and taken out pieces of cardboard of plastic food tubs. One by one the rooms in her house have filled. I love her dearly but I never go to her house, it makes me too sad.

And before the usual “you need to help your mum and clear up her house” people come along - be assured, hoarders never allow that.

He has his house he rents, he can go back.

It’s not so much actual recycling. It’s useful stuff out of skips and endless projects and furniture we don’t need but I can use the wood. I can use the shoe laces from my own shoes or they can be outside shoes but he has 20. He has everything he has ever owned, all his clothes since being a teenager.

This is the only solution that will work. He is NEVER going to get any better - actually he will get worse. Your child should not grow up in that environment, and if your DP stays this will be your life.

Tell him he can only live with you if everything goes, otherwise you need to live separately. If that doesn't work (and it probably won't) at least you will begin to understand what you are dealing with here.

OP you're trying to understand and rationalise this. But there is no reasoning, somewhere along the way your DP has replaced an emotional need that was missing/neglected for him, with hoarding crap. In his mind, that crap is now priceless, and the buying of more just feeds his needs and happiness. It might as well be a drug addiction, because it is just as powerful.

He's not going to stop and you're not going to be able to reason with him. So you either live with the hoarding or you ask him to move out.

I had similar. Getting rid of him and his stuff is one of my greatest decisions. I cannot tell yoi the joy experienced as you re-establish your home. Get rid of him and his stuff.

He doesn't need this stuff. It's a mental illness, and a very intractable one. Growing up in a hoarder's house is awful for a child. Please don't do it to your kids.

You can't solve this by throwing his stuff out because a) he'll just keep bringing more stuff in and b) he has an emotional attachment to this stuff. You're kidding yourself if you think his stuff isn't going to creep into your living areas.

In your position I would tell him this can't go on for the kids sake. He and his stuff have to go. Do some research and suggest places he can go for professional help. Until he resolves the emotional/psychological reasons behind his hoarding, nothing can change.

He can still visit lots, stay over and be part of the family, but you have to divide your houses.

Then tell him he must go back to his own home and take every bit of his Stuff out of yours (including everything outside).

You can keep going with the relationship, just in separate households.

You could tell him that if he ever acknowledged that he has a hoarding problem, got therapy AND CLEARED HIS OWN HOUSE so it was "normal" you would consider letting him move back with you.

See what he says to that proposition.

What is the stuff?. He has to rent storage. Look up javanese. They come to pick up and are very reasonably priced

Jamvans

Sadly, and I understand how difficult it is for you, by letting him move in you've made a bad situation worse.
I think you need to face up to reality. Rather than thinking about fixing things, you need to accept he has a serious mental illness, he's unlikely to recover from it and he is not capable of being a great dad.
Until then, there's nothing anyone can say that will help.

Yeah, then I absolutely agree with the above posters. There's a huge difference between tools, and things with a legitimate intended use, but childhood clothes, 20 'somethings', etc.

Brutal truth. It's half your fault too. You enabling is just as bad as him doing. Stand firm. No puppy eyes guilt, no sympathy. Point to the piles and say if they're not used or relocated within a month, YOU will throw them out. It's your house, reclaim it.

Mil is a hoarder and sadly we have found this to be true. She doesn't see the problem and gets incredibly defensive about it, it's been this way for years. Her grand children have never been to her house because we don't feel it's a safe environment for them, but she would rather have her stuff than have her family over. Nothing we can say or do seems to convince her there's a problem.

There's a really Good documentary on YouTube called "Breaking the cycle" by Jasmine Harman, it helped me understand a little better.

Hoarding like this sounds like a mental health issue. It’s difficult but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

Also a serious fire risk - both more likely for a fire to start and harder to rescue any occupants. Tell your local fire service - they might do home fire safety visits or have an online tool that you can use to tell them about the hoarding and they’ll come out. Then they might put your property on a high risk database and fit smoke alarms etc.

Renting storage will just create an empty space in the house to fill with new stuff!
I honestly, after experiencing this with various people, think hoarders are incurable. It's a part of them. One of the most frustrating things to deal with in life

Came here to say this. I think you need to move him back out, not just because of the stuff, but because you need breathing space and time on your own to consider why on earth you thought moving in a man who behaves as this poster has said in with your existing child was a good move - and i dont mean 'tell yourself off' i mean really look at your life and your previous relationships and upbringing to understand why you'd do this. I understand that you had a baby on the way, but this is awful behaviour in a relationship never mind being modelled to children and you need to figure out why you moved in him regardless, so that you don't fall in with the same type of partner in future. You deserve better than being with a man like this, never mind the hoarding on top of it!

Same here. I left him because he was abusive, but getting rid of all his piles of stuff and getting my home and space back has been just as positive and beneficial to my mental health as getting out of the relationship.

You are putting the childlike petulance of a grown man ahead of the needs of your actual children.

Your mistake was letting him move in. Hoarders don’t change.

I would be giving him three options - either he uses his own designated indoor/outdoor storage, or you will bin anything that encroaches, or he moves himself and his stuff out again.

Stop penalising your children by being a doormat to this man child- sulking and stonewalling are not attractive or helpful traits in a partner.

OP I also remember your post from when he moved in. Exactly what you were worried about is happening - you need to recognise that nothing you have the power to do has stopped it happening.

Do you want to be posting again in 2 years because your living room is unusable? 3 years because you're all washing in the kitchen because the bathroom is full? 5 years because you're confined to only using the microwave because you can't safely reach the rest of the kitchen? I've worked with hoarders and this is the reality. I've also known families who've children have had to be removed from their care because of this behaviour - you need to be realistic about the seriousness of this situation.

Stop trying to understand a rationale behind his behaviour - it is a serious mental illness you cannot fix. He is unwilling to recognise that and unmotivated to seek help,

You need to draw a line - and realistically that line need to be him not living in your house for the safety of you and your children.

Do you know it's so high risk that the fire brigade will go door to door to hoarders neighbours offering to fit smoke alarms and discuss evacuation plans? Do you want your children to live with that risk?

You're not getting it either.

There will never be enough storage. He needs to fill any spaces around him with his "treasure".
Having his Stuff piled all around him makes him feel comfortable. He cannot register how that would negatively impact others in the home.

You think like a non-hoarder, as do most of us.
He's wired differently. It's like trying to engage in a conversation when you speak French and he speaks Japanese - and you can't use anything but words.

He needs to move out. The problem will only multiply when the new baby is here. I'm really sorry OP it sounds awful.

That’s exactly what I know will happen. Then we will have the storage full and paying money for that and the house full.

I'm afraid he has to move out, OP.

He will never change.

Tell him that either he moves out and takes all his stuff with him, or he gives you carte blanche to get rid of all his stuff and goes to therapy to try and get to the bottom of his hoarding problem.

Tell him he can keep his stuff, or he can continue to live with you and your child, but he can't have both.

What do you want from this new thread @Rainbow03 ?
People are saying the same thing as they said last time but, as then, you don't seem to be listening. What are you going to do to take control of this situation?