My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

You honestly have no idea about Hoarding, sorry but you really really haven't.

I suggest you watch the YouTube video mentioned at the start of this thread if you want to see Hoarding and its impact on people.

Surely you can see this is very similar to an addiction.

And your dp is deep in denial - its easier for him to part company with logic and compassion, than to risk the terrifying, horrible, unthinkable exposure that addressing his habit would entail.

Like I said, you need to shock him.

"I don't love your things and I want them out of my house. If you want to keep your things then you will need to move out of my house with them. But your things are leaving. Whether you stay without your things or leave with them is up to you."

OP, you need to discuss this with him and if he starts to change the subject or point out your flaws, then say " we can talk about other things later, we are talking purely about the hoarding issue now"., Do not let him deflect this.

He needs to agree to counselling, and to move everything out, or the relationship is over.

If you don't do something about it then you have to accept that this is your life and that it will only get worse not better. Only you can change this by making him get help or leave.

People with mental health problems need HELP not DUMPING

You simply don’t get it. Hoarding is not just an inconvenience, or something to negotiate over.
It is an intractable problem.
It’s not his fault - I don’t think it’s ‘selfish’ in the usual meaning of the word - but it is devastating to live with. Please believe those on here with the lived experience.

You really, really don't get it. It is obvious you have no experience in dealing with an actual hoarder, not just a person who likes their stuff. You would never tell someone to stay with an alcoholic, would you? This is no different. Hoarding consumes and destroys lives, especially the lives of children forced to grow up in it.

I normally defend people who like having stuff but they can't fill other people's homes with it. I think in this case, its not just getting rid of quite a lot of what he has, but also NOT filling it up again. This may involve getting help with the problem as well as help with the clearout. You may lose him over this, so be prepared to face that.

Oh dear Op, your last update about the squealing and giggling - does that not give you the ick?

@Zahariel gives a really good roadmap towards getting him help - but you can approach that once he is back in his own home .

His anxiety and mental health issues do not trump your own need for good mental health, and calm in your own space.

How far do you think this obligation extends?

The OP has tried to discuss this with him and he has repeatedly fobbed her off. At some point you have to accept that someone doesn't want help, they want to wallow in all this crap.

The OP has a responsibility towards her children to not let this man ruin their home life with his hoarding.

If he realises that he has to choose between his crap and his family, maybe he will accept that he needs help.

Bringing in the stuff makes him high, letting anything go makes him anxious to the point he cant physically move a limb.

Yes because it is like a major addiction. Like cutting, starving, bingeing, gambling, alcohol or drugs. It’s a behaviour masking some serious issues and it isn’t just about to stop.

Not without some major self awareness and him wanting to change and get a serious amount of help. He has to want to change this.

We have the hoarding gene in our family. It's associated with OCD. I keep some stuff but not on the massive scale of my uncle, whose bungalow I had to clear on his death which took months, or my brother whose wife is a saint as you can barely get in their house.

It is a life destroying trait and also genetic so your DC will likely have this too.

When my granny died in 1992 she had folded down cereal packets from the 1940's that I was able to donate to a museum. Every bit of space was filled with boxes of string and magazines from the 60's to present day.

The fire risk alone makes me twitch.

You sound like you are meeting this head on and you have to. Good luck OP

Tell him he needs to move himself and all his stuff back to his own place.

It’s sad to see how many people on here don’t understand how intractable hoarding is. Suggestions like “give him an ultimatum”, “tell him to just use the shed” are completely pointless.

My Mum has zero insight, literally none. She actually complains that her partner’s house is full of junk, when it’s nowhere near as bad as hers. Occasionally she’ll start to have a clear up, maybe of one box. She’ll find electricity bills from the 1970s, momentarily wonder if she still needs to keep them, then put them all back in the box and leave it where it was. Her mobility prevents her from trawling the charity shops like she used to, but she still keeps every single piece of plastic food wrapping, newspaper, envelope, junk mail, piece of cardboard, jar, plastic tub. If someone advertises furniture for free locally, she takes it, even though there’s barely room to move in her house. She’s a lovely kind intelligent woman, full of insightful thoughts, compassion, knowledge, understanding - but she can’t throw anything away, ever. I’ve tried to reason with her since I was a teenager (40 + years now) , but to no avail. I’ve given up now. I’ll clear it all up when she dies.

OP your partner will never change, and the passage of time will simply bring more stuff, until you can’t move around the house. That is your future.

Honestly I love him dearly, he is a good person in so many ways and despite this he is a good dad and she absolutely loves him to pieces. This part of him needs acknowledging , this part is enough for me to end the relationship over because it’s effecting my mental health. It’s very sad really. It’s makes me sad to give him the ultimatum. I want to stand by him but that will only happen if he acknowledges that my needs are as important and so are the kids. I won’t be stonewalled anymore like I have been.

You have no idea how bad it can get. My relative lives in an eleven room house. At least 8 of those rooms are so full they are unusable. They have 7 sheds in the garden too that are FULL as well. It is pernicious.

It's a mental illness and he needs help.

He's not doing it to make you angry or upset.

But that's what happening.

I doubt a GP would be any use at all.

Mind might be able to help.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/helping-someone-who-hoards/

https://hoardinguk.org/support/services/

I think I would do anything at all for my life partner, because I love them and I want our lives together to be good. I support them and help them though mental health issues, through physical health issues, with their relationships, their child and their job

Thats what you sign up for when you have a relationship

If the OPs partner got Cancer, and the cancer treatment equipment took up space and OP didn't like it, would you all say "dump the prick"?

How many hoarders are you currently accommodating in your home?

Both these statements can be true at the same time.

As the previous poster said he's ruining your dc lives. He insists on having numerous unusable bikes so no room for your kids bikes. I'd give him a 30 day deadline to either move his stuff out and if he refuses he has to move out too. Your kids will grow up thinking all this stuff everywhere is normal if it continues.

One. Me.

You’ve never lived with a hoarder.
Hoarders sometimes think old pizza boxes are precious. They have pizza every week and never throw a box away.

Go get couples therapy to be able to communicate your needs to each other better. There is a disconnect and it's not one born of malice.

He needs help. Just as much as you need it to not continue.

The OP has a choice to make between: putting her kids first or putting this man with a hoarding condition first.

He isn’t putting the children first. He’s putting his hoarding condition first. There’s a new baby on the way and he’s cluttering up her children’s home with junk.

Just because he is failing to prioritise the children doesn’t mean the OP has to fail them too.

If he is living in the house, her children won’t be able to have friends over to play when they are older.

It’s not the children’s fault they’ve got a parent with a hoarding condition, and they shouldn’t be punished for it.

It will be much healthier for the children to see their hoarder parent outside of the home than to live in a house which he has an overwhelming compulsion to turn into a domestic landfill site.

If he genuinely wants to change, he should move back to his own property and, with professional help, sort out his hoarding condition while living there.

The OP shouldn’t be forced to live in squalor whilst he sorts himself out. His hoarding condition doesn’t make him more important than a pregnant woman who wants to live in reasonable conditions in her own home.