My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

If you're the previous poster in this situation who was advised he'd do this if you let him in, I'm sorry.

But The Stuff comes first. It was always going to.

The only way to do this is to be absolutely resolute. There is no middle way, no fluffy, lovely resolution where you're both happy - he's using every trick he can to get his way and he will continue to do that until he's bricked you all in and is shouting at the baby for messing with his stuff.

If he won't accept he needs help and it's encroaching then I don't see a positive outcome. We only make it work because my DP does manage it to an extent so it doesn't affect the rest of us too much.

If social services are called to see the inside of your home you’ll be in serious trouble. Piles of hoarded items are a fire hazard and a safety issue if they fall.
get rid of the stuff and have a relationship from a distance - but you can’t live with him until he has therapy. He is mentall ill and putting you all at risk.

The living space is fine because it’s all stuffed in outside spaces really. But it’s a worry for the future.

Hoarding is a serious mental illness which is very difficult to treat. It's impossible to treat when the sufferer doesn't want to make any changes and doesn't believe there is a problem.

If you share living space with him, you will live in a hoarder's house. His stuff comes first with him, before you and before his children.

Give him a couple of weeks. It'll be in there as well.

He can still be a great Dad and partner but by living in his own space.

Another option us that you still live at yours but all his extra belongings are stored at his house.

Yours is then cleared and safe for the DC and he still has his space for what he needs

I’ve been throwing it and giving it to the charity shops. But it’s a waste of money and it’s a pathetic way to live going behind his back.

But why does he need stuff that never sees the light of day again once it’s shoved in somewhere???

Echoing PP above - he is a hoarder; this is a massive mental health issue and very very intractable. He would need to recognise it as a problem before there was any hope of change. You need to protect yourself and your children; move him out.

FWIW hoarding is usually rooted in loss and abandonment. Any of that in his past?

Does he have the skills to repair or renovate the stuff he brings in?
If he doesn't, then out it goes.

I worked with somebody who had this problem. Used work as a 'store', other staff couldn't use fridge as full of his stuff, paid for storage hire - 3 units, car full to tge brim. I'd tell him it's me and baby or your stuff. If he rents somewhere he will need to rent more next year and on it goes ....

His mum is a narcissistic awful women!!!!

I'd tell him I wanted him to live in his own place again but not break up. I couldn't live with clutter like that but couples can and do make living separately work.

It won't be safe for a new baby / toddler and it's not fair on your older kids who may not be able to bring friends home because of the embarrassment.

Was there no sign of this at his own home .

As PPs have said Hoarding is a series mental illness. You can not fix this and throwing away his stuff giving him deadlines will not work.

You know this and you know!what you have to do.

It will only get worse

My ex-dh was the son of a hoarder, his childhood was shit. The family home was a hovel right until the day they died. No matter how many times we helped within a few months it was full of crap again. They ended up sleeping in a tiny space on chairs in the living room.

Don't do this to your children, he doesn't even accept he has a problem.

He won't change.

You know he has to move out to his own house. Whether you continue you be partners or not will depend on you.

I feel so sorry for you OP and it is a shame you didn't listen to advice at the time. But you're here now and only you can change this awful situation.

Tell him to move out.

Please please think of your kids. It won't get better.

Really tricky and it might be helpful to regard it as an addiction he needs help with rather than an infuriating habit. Also to tell him clearly that it’s intolerable for you.

I work for the emergency services and last night went to a hoarder who had died in a house fire. Don't let your kids be at risk like this.

His addiction is stealing from you and your kids OP. Stealing space, stealing the money he spends that could be spent on family, and most of all stealing your peace of mind.

If he refuses to acknowledge it's any kind of problem there us absolutely no way this will improve. Even if he did acknowledge there was a problem it would be a struggle for him.

In this case you don't get the man without the addiction unfortunately.

You absolutely have to stop the stuff coming in. And I can't see a way to do this without him living somewhere else. I'm guessing he wants to know its all rught there to hand. If he lives with you but moves the stuff, very high chance it will just keep creeping back.

Don't merge your finances, because one day his property may be valueless because of the state it is in.

I am so sorry but he would need serious help to change this, and alas, it can become very dangerous if it doesn't change.

I think he should move back to his place. It's not worth the energy and worry of will he or won't he change. Its not working , its your place. It will grind you down and impact your child's life.

I doubt that a person who is selfish, can't engage with your point of view and won't discuss difficult issues is really going to be a great father in the long term.

OP you are, of course, totally logical and correct, but what you're not getting is that HE isn't wired to think that way.

No amount of reasoning will get through to him. You are literally wasting your breath.

He has a mental illness and its very unlikely to ever be cured.

He will never look around and think "that's enough stuff now, the home is full".

He will never prioritise the children or you over his Stuff.

You may say you'll tell him to leave, but I bet you'll have a hell of a job getting his stuff out with him. Where do you think he would take it?

Honestly, I'm sorry but it's totally hopeless.

His stuff is what makes him feel safe. Addiction is a good parallel. I'm sorry, this must be a shock.

I think I remember your last post? you sounded lovely but you were at your wits end because your partner was was bringing junk home and couldn’t stop.

You are accountable for your children and they need to live somewhere in safety and dignity. I know it is easier said than done but it is 2024, you do not have to live in the same home as your partner if it is better for everyone.

only you know how bad it is but from what you’ve said it sounds like he has no intention of trying to dial it down.

You've mentioned the bikes, but what else is he hoarding? Are we taking tools he 'might' use, or just bits and pieces, newspapers, actual rubbish?