My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

seriously? A thread with an ill mum struggling with life and her dh having a serious hoarding problem? If you can’t read her commenting on her OWN illness and how she judges herself without claiming she’s criticising other posters then STAY OFF THREADS LIKE THIS.

you did not break your family, your abuser did.

@Codlingmoths

1. Do not tell me what to do. Ever.

1. OP said "I'm a shit mum with this illness" (implying the illness makes her a shit mum) after I've (& others) just told her we have the same illness and are also mothers!

1. Hundreds of posters, myself included, have given OP a whole range of advice (no, not just LTB) yet every. Single. Piece of advice given has been batted straight back, regardless of what it is! So I've no idea what OP is wanting from this thread.

Perhaps to have people who understand say I understand, I see you because no fucker else does. Including people like you who come on threads to make people who are struggling feel even worse, so thanks.

@Rainbow03 people like you who come on threads to make people who are struggling feel even worse

Wow! 😂 I've given you advice and tried to help you, yet one single negative response (to an insult, I might add) and that's your response?! Absolutely shocking behaviour from an adult.
I'd really like to hear your boyfriend's side of this now tbh!

Anyway, like many posters on this thread, I'm done trying to help you. You're just sulking and/or throwing a tantrum at all suggestions so I give up.

OP, you are having a tough time and your dilemma is obvious but as a pp said how about some couples counselling to help the two of you?
I know l said previously that your partner won't change but it might at least help him to see how much this impacts on your health and your everyday life. As you don't want to split up isn't it worth a try ?

Thank you, I can’t remember if I replied to another poster about this but a good friend suggested this the other day also and I think it’s one of the steps to definitely take. This friend has known my partner for a long time and is fond of us both and is upset and has offered to come down and speak to him and get this started. Its probably easier coming from him then me. They have said they will start to go through the stuff with him. They work within the NHS and are really good with people.

Show your friend this post...

I have been very open with him and he has even before meeting me made suggestions to my partner that he needs to seek help for his anxiety around his things. He knows exactly what is happening. I sent him photos the other day of the shed and garage.

One thing I have learned from this thread is that in my fear of conflict I have enabled him to bring more and more in. I have not been firm enough. I’m a bit of a walk over and this needs to change.

This is a step in the right direction OP. Couples counselling, then some counselling for yourself, plus the intervention of a friend who is fond of both of you sounds like a good plan. Also you will feel that you are getting some support so you are not tackling this problem alone.

Thats kind of the reason I posted in such an overwhelming and angry way. I felt so alone with the situation with no energy or brain space to make a comprehensive plan. People
can be stressed with me for not acting precisely as they want me to, when they want me to but it’s my life. But some of the suggestions have been really useful for me and it gave me the momentum to reach out to a friend.

I really hope that with the support of your friend, and some counselling with your partner and for yourself, that some progress can be made. Hoarding is a very hard thing to live with but hopefully these steps will help your partner to gain some insight into your frustration and your struggles at least. I'm glad the thread gave you the push you needed to seek help.

If it doesn’t then there is no future for us but at least I can say I did my absolute best to try and keep the family together. It’s a shame that I’m the one who has to do the pushing but I accept that if he is ND then it does need to be me because he won’t see the issue outright.

Through your friend and counselling you need to discuss that storing this stuff isn't free - neither financially nor otherwise.

A room full of stuff means you have to extend or pay for storage, it also costs relationships and other peoples enjoyment of life and mental health.

If long term you can't live together that's ok. It will be different but you can be together and he can spend all his spare money on storing his stuff in his house, you can actually explain the cost in £ of storing that stuff is him not being able to rent his house out.

Thanks I know that people told me about the situation it’s been very different living it. Before I kind of thought it’s easy fixed, he’s a bit untidy, I can get through to him. I would never have dreamed it would be so deep and so complex. It’s just stuff after all.

It isn't "just stuff" to him @Rainbow03 and that's the problem. Books/collectibles (etc) looked after properly and not encroaching most people can live with and understand. Generalised junk taking over the place with no "use or ornament", not so much, but he doesn't see that because his view of it comes from an unhealthy place.

I said upthread that this is an intractable illness and it is, but I truly hope that you find a way through it. Please just remember that your needs and wants are not wrong and you have a right to them. Don't sacrifice yourself to this.

But that's just not true. I can't find your other thread just now but I saw it the other day and you said he got upset when you tried to throw away a chocolate momento from 10 years ago. That he couldn't throw away anything. Not even actual rubbish. That he'd kept every pair of shoes he'd ever owned and so on and so on. And still you let him move in.
People keep suggesting counselling but people have to engage in counselling. And I don't think you are at that point. Not by a long way. They also have to be honest and I think honesty is too painful for you right now.
So rather than try to change things, it might be best to try to accept your life how it is. You've said you can't manage without him and he can't change so just crack on as best you can. Stop thinking of yourself as the victim and try to do everything you can for your kids. And I don't mean forced jollity like putting up Halloween decorations but trying to be a calm, consistent parent who isn't frequently on the verge of exploding.
I don't mean to be harsh. I actually have empathy for you. But I think one day you may look back and see that you, as a damaged person, made choices that damaged others and that's even tougher to live with than what you are going through now. In short: wake up, grow up, suck it up.

Yes it comes from a place of comfort and safety, its sounds extremely sad really. Absolutely nothing under this sun comes before my kids so anything more into my house will be thrown. I’ve actually chucked some today and yesterday so now my lounge has some usable drawers. Well the kids toys take up most of the space but I’ve reclaimed something. I don’t mind the kids taking the space. He had garden ornaments on a shelf they’ve gone outside. He had a grumble so I said it’s the garden or the bin…I had the usual but that was the last thing I bought my grandmother before she died…sad but still don’t care and they still outside.

You have the right to be happy, but he does have an illness, and he does need help. There is one solution that could keep your family together in an unconventional way. If you have a conversation about what makes him happy and what makes you happy, might mean living in your separate houses but still have a family relationship. He can live happily in his junk and you can live in your nice tidy house and meet and do family things together and have a less stressful life. If yiu love him it might be worth a try. It works for others. And also fairy lights round yiur tent sounds lovely. Remember you are a good mum and trying to do right by your children. Take care.

Well I was 8 months pregnant when he moved into mine and then a mum with a newborn when we had a month to get his stuff out as we had renters moving in. I was vulnerable and I did not understand back then exactly how deep it really was. We got rid of skip full and skip full and he did so well but it has slowly come back and I fully believe now that he has a problem.

You didn't know he had a problem when he had skip fulls of rubbish?
It doesn't matter what anyone says, you just keep making excuses. It's only when you start taking responsibility that things might change.

I thought he was messy and unorganised, he was working 2 jobs when I met him and had managed to own most of his 3 bed home by aged 30, he was kicked out of home at 18 with no support. He had no time. no I didn’t know he had psychological issues. I’m not making excuses I’m saying back then no I didn’t know but now I do. I have never met someone like this, I’ve not watched those documentaries people mention.

The problem is @Rainbow03 you're having to fight for every square inch of ground. You said it was confined outside, then it was isolated in another room in the house, now its in the lounge where you need (rightly) space for your childrens toys.

You shouldn't normalise this for yourself. People saying that it will get worse know what they're talking about, some of us have been in hoarders houses professionally and it all starts somewhere, they don't become like it overnight. It starts with the mindset that your DP has. I'm not saying this to try to frighten you, but childrens services will have concerns about the safety aspects of a hoarded home with young children in and no amount of fun times and Halloween decorations will decrease them.

I know your situation feels overwhelming but please, please don't normalise this because this is a road that you haven't seen the end of.

It is contained. We both have the same amount of drawers in the house only his is filled with useless shit. The kids have 90% of everything. His hoard in the house is very minimal tbh. He has 2 bookshelves in the back room filled to the brim with DVDs and some boxes chucked in. Our house is loft conversion so we have 2 very small sections down the side. One side is mine and and his side is full of shit. It’s only one box wide in size. The issue is the shed and the garage. It’s full to the brim with his house contents and then other crap he throws in. I think I’ve made out the house is worse than it is. I’ve lost my shit on many occasions and made him remove it from the house, he has removed it to the shed. I just don’t want his shit in the garage and I hate the DVDs.