My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

See my user name @Rainbow03 If you haven't got my ex, you have one just like him. Send him back, with all his stuff. It won't get better, I can promise you.
Chances are if he goes back to his house, he'll leave you with all his crap. Mine simply hated seeing space anywhere. He just had to fill it!

Say what? Of course you try and fix someone with OCD. You get the proper professional help that they need - you start at the GP, then you might get a referral or private therapy, maybe you get medication, maybe you need some sort of cognitive behavioural therapy, maybe all sort s of things

of course you get help

you don't just abandon partners 'cos it looks a bit tough

OP can you explain what you mean when you say bring new stuff in makes him very happy, but on the other hand you say a lot of this stuff causes him anxiety?

You are tiptoeing around his needs (or should I say wants) OP, what about yours and your children's needs? Why does his want (need I suppose due to the addiction) trump everything else?

You can still have a relationship with him, but not live together.

Yes it is a factor that you have a child together, but I think the dc are being subject to more damage living like this, and everyone tiptoeing around the problem.

Why are your children coming second to him?

The complication here is that OP has a baby on the way. She has to prioritise the new arrival, which means making suitable living arrangements.

Storage is like having another mortgage to pay for. It can be up of £800 or more

But the person has to agree to this and admit they have a problem.

So many addicts will deny they have a problem and not seek out help as a result.

he needs help from the outside to make the change. It cannot come from within, it has to come from outside, and given he has a life partner, she is best placed to kick off that help, then others can work on the momentum.

I didn’t say he didn’t need outside help. But the recognition that something is wrong and that he wants to change must come from him. You cannot just ‘kick off that help’ he needs to recognise he has an issue and that he cannot keep all the stuff and he has to actually want to change. It’s also about control and he needs to be in control.

Unfortunately he is currently prioritising the hoard over his life partner.

It is an illness, either he seeks help or he goes, along with all his stuff. It may be that you need to be together, but live apart. This will affect you all mentally, but also financially. Give him a deadline, and be firm.

without professional advice.

He will never change because he can’t change. Hoarding isn’t a condition that just goes away.

If you can’t tolerate living amidst piles of junk for the rest of your life, you need to make him move out.

no. He can't change - without help - which is the whole reason we have life partners isn't it? To weather the challenges together?

OP can't you see that this isn't a case of him being childish!

You are just as much in denial as he is!

You want him rationalise like you do - but he simply CANNOT because he doesn't think like that.

You really are banging your head against a brick wall - and the wall isn't feeling anything.

You are not getting it any better than he is.

Bringing in the stuff makes him high, letting anything go makes him anxious to the point he cant physically move a limb.

I actually think everyone is being a bit unfair here - you’d actually be willing to split up with someone, break up a family because of his stuff?

I get it’s hard, really I do, and it’s unorganised and messy and your other kids are struggling with lack of space - however you need to work together as a family to find a happy medium.

These are his lifelong possessions and whether you think it’s crap or not, to him they are important so it’s about being clever with storage and renting out a container perhaps.

It sounds like it’s only going to get worse!

You cannot live like that!

if he won’t get help for his mental health; can you consider living separately so that he can do what he wants with his home, but yours is yours to keep how you like?

You must do this. He’s getting a little endorphin hit when he brings crap back. He’s not going to stop. It sounds as though he’s getting worse.

But the partner in this case refuses point blank to acknowledge there's a problem. This is why OP is unable to "help" - you can't help with something that isn't happening.

@Zahariel someone who knows about hoarding.

He would not be staying in mine and my children's home.

Gently, I think you might be missing the seriousness of this..

Having a bit too much stuff is totally different to hoarding.

the stonewalling and refusing to engage with talking about it is very telling.

He needs to get help from a therapist or councillor- his partner can’t help him, he’s clearly shown her he won’t listen

He needs to be able to see me and see the children and see what his stuff is doing, he simply can’t see past himself. He point blank won’t answer a single question I put to him about it. I asked him last night if he thinks he has a problem and he literally squealed and wriggled awkwardly in bed, half giggling going I love my things.

I don't think you understand the hoarder mentality.

There is no compromise possible. If there is space, he will fill it.

Why does he still need all his clothes from when he was a teenager and three broken bikes?

He is ruining all of their lives with his mental health problem.

Not even slightly true. You absolutely can help kick off that help, and frankly as a partner, should, aren't we here to support?

You seem to think this guy has more free will than any of us actually have, he is not prioritising the hoard, over his partner, he does not see it even as a word, he thinks it's unreasonable to get rid of it. Because he has a mental health issue.

Approach the Topic Gently and Compassionately

Begin by expressing your concern in a way that shows empathy rather than judgment. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed that the clutter is making things hard for us both, and I want to help find ways to make it better for you.”

Encourage Open Communication
Ask open-ended questions to understand their feelings about their belongings and how they see the situation. Be prepared for resistance, as many hoarders may not see it as a problem.Try saying, “Can you help me understand why keeping things feels important to you?” This helps you understand their perspective and shows that you’re willing to listen.

Frame it as a Shared Challenge
Avoid language that puts the burden of change solely on them. Present it as something to work on together for the betterment of your shared space and relationship.
For example, “I’d like to work together to make our home more comfortable for both of us.”

Encourage Professional Support
Suggest gently that talking to a mental health professional can be a helpful step. You can frame it as getting support for both of you: “I think we could both benefit from getting some support on this, and it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who understands these situations.”

Research Support Options

Look into local resources such as:
Therapists/Counselors Specializing in Hoarding: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is effective for treating hoarding behaviors.
GP/Primary Care Doctor: They can refer your partner to a mental health specialist and provide information on local resources.
Support Groups: Connecting with others who are experiencing similar challenges can be validating and helpful.

Offer to Accompany Them to Appointments

Sometimes, the thought of seeking help alone can be overwhelming. Offering to attend the first appointment or helping to make arrangements can reduce anxiety about taking that step.

Be Patient and Set Boundaries
Hoarding can be deeply rooted, and progress may be slow. It’s important to set healthy boundaries for yourself to protect your well-being while being supportive.

Nobody is stronger in a relationship with a person who won't even acknowledge a problem or have a discussion about it. And not all relationships deserve to survive. The 'relationship' does not have a value over and above the welfare of the individuals who are in it, and any children they happen to have.