My parter is hoarding and I’ve had enough of him, I’m not sure how to fix this!

[Rainbow03]

So long story short he moved from his house into mine with ALL is stuff as I became pregnant. His is rented out. I just want to say he is a good man but when it comes to this he is incredibly selfish.!

He has a giant shed, a garage, a large outside storage box, most the loft, his van is now a shed, half the spare room and drawers and cupboards every where stuffed full of shit so that I can’t use the house. I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to start getting rid of it because it’s not fair. I’m having to sell my stuff , I can’t store any of the kids stuff so now all the bedrooms are getting piles. He just can’t stop bringing stuff in. His face is like a child’s when he brings stuff he is so incredibly happy and it’s making me so incredibly unhappy. I want his stuff gone!!! I’m at a point in telling him that if that includes him also because he can’t be without it then so be it.

What do I do? I can’t stand all this stuff anymore, I want space, I want to store stuff. He doesn’t touch any of it, it’s just there taking room doing nothing.

I know what I need to do but I just can’t believe I put myself in this situation. I can’t believe how much of a child this man is. It’s in all conversations about everything , he has never grown up and it’s pathetic.

You’ve accommodated his needs by getting the shed etc, and he’s abused that.

Maybe you need to give him the choice- either he chucks his stuff out, or you’re chucking him out. If the latter, then get a skip in.

Be proactive with him. Go through the stuff with him. Three options - skip, charity shop or keep, but there’s got to be a good reason to keep. Charity stuff - take to shop at end of day.

if it’s for projects, tell him he’s allowed three projects, and that’s it. Once they’ve been completed, then he can have another.

You have to shock him, OP.

Tell him you can't live with him anymore because he is a hoarder and give him a deadline to move out, with all his stuff.

You can stay together and live apart. Particularly if his place is still close to yours. He can keep all of his crap there, you and the kids get your space back. He has just basic utilities at his, just make sure he pulls his weight and helps take children to school and pick ups and does his bit around the house and cooking so he isn't just lolling around like a guest.

Great! I look forward to reading a positive update. Good luck.

People told me last time but it’s different being told and actually living it. I had no idea really it would be as bad despite being told. I didn’t realise he couldn’t grow up.

Op it’s a health hazard, lofts are designed to hold roofs onto their house, not two tonnes of crap, it could damage your house. And a fire would spread quicker and have more fuel.

My ex was a hoarder - although he didn’t actively bring crap in, just never threw it away. I recently cleared the shed of his stuff (he moved out over five years ago) and everything had mold, rust etc and was unusable. That’s probably the same with his stuff.

Get rid of him.

This would be marginally better, but if my partner was paying for a whole extra house just so they could store crap rather than using that money to improve our standard of living as a family I wouldn't stay with him either.

OP, he will never change.

If you don’t act now, you could be my mother.
50 plus years of living with a hoarder, who kept practically everything he had ever owned.
His tent from the 40’s. Every key to every house, car, cupboard etc he had ever used. Newspaper cuttings going back decades.
At one point they had filled a 6 bedroom house with crap, and it was impossible to navigate the 7 tables in the living room.
It only improved once he got dementia, and was too incapacitated to protest at the clearing out of the STUFF.
I cannot get across to you as his child the anxiety that I feel at any hint of chaos in my living space, and the damage done to all relationships.
Please don’t allow this to happen to your children.
I wish you the best in a horrible situation.

It's not a case of growing up.
He's mentally ill.
My dh chews his fingers, started when his dad died, it's anxiety. Fortunately it doesn't affect me much.
The hoarding affects your whole life. You must have seen it in his flat.
An old lady opposite was a hoarder, they found all sorts of damp and vermin in her house after she died.

As you can see the shed isn’t enough. The loft isn’t enough. The storage unit won’t be enough. You have a spare room- is that going to be the 2 year olds room? Because it won’t, it’ll be the collection’s room.

time for a serious talk. Use the words hoarder and mental illness, you understand he’s not deliberately trying to ruin yours and the dcs lives by prioritising his collections of junk, you know he can’t help himself, but this is what’s happening and you have to be a good mother by stopping his mental illness from effecting the dcs.

he has to leave and take all of his collection with him. Anything he leaves you will throw out. He also needs to understand moving back will require him accepting he has a problem and having therapy. Part of that will be a rule that nothing salvaged from a skip or charity shop or from someone else comes in to the house/shed ever. Not even very useful things he could fix. Ever and if he can’t cope with that, then he needs more help.

Has he still got his house? Tell him he has to move back into it. I'm guessing it's still full of stuff though isn't it? And impossible to rent out

He’s seriously mentally ill. Hoarding is usually a response to trauma or loss. Often there is neurodivergence in the mix.
He has replaced relationships with people with relationships with things.

You can’t fix him. He needs to realise the issues he had and want to seek help and change. This has to come from him.

So often in here people say “you have a dp problem”. Yes, you have a dp problem but you also have a you problem. Why, oh why, are you selling your own things to make room for his?

So, you have been strongly advised that this will never change. Don’t ask why. Just take it as it is. You have to decide what YOU will do. He has his own property. If it’s tenanted, getting the tenant out and dp into his own house is going to take a long time.

And you will have to drive it. Dp won’t. You will then have to drive the removal of everything from you house back to his. Dp won’t. He needs professional assistance to reduce his habit. But he won’t.

So, you have a you problem. It’s going to be hard and horrible but what does the alternative look like as it looms? What sort of parent are you going to be? I wish you good luck.

His problem

Bloody hell, just do it! How can you be attracted to him?

This is a mental health issue, not one you can fix with Marie condo, or any other system

It is a genuine response to a trauma or other mental health issue that has affected him at some point in his life

this is not finger pointing or blaming, it is solidarity. I understand what it feels like.

They should see a therapist frankly. And then get professional help in the decluteering process.

This is a millstone around their neck as much as yours. they are not truly happy, this is a manifestation of that.

If you both have a house each then you can stay together but live apart. Still not really fair on you as sounds like the kids would always be at yours as his house unusable.

Mental illness generally doesnt excuse you from being selfish and inconsiderate to those you love. Millions of mentally unwell people manage it. Obviously in some cases it’s hard to separate but often it doesn’t work alone, maybe some of this is down to personality and not all down to illness.

first paragraph is right

the second is not

he needs help from the outside to make the change. It cannot come from within, it has to come from outside, and given he has a life partner, she is best placed to kick off that help, then others can work on the momentum.

No no no no! do not suggest a rented storage space, they will just fill that and there will then be gaps in your house they can fill with more new shit.

I have a hoarder in my family. You can only give a deadline on your own property, and YOU need to be strong and dont back down

Please, please listen to the advice on here. This will NOT get better. It never does. Hoarding is insidious and it will take over everything. Protect your kids now - get rid.

No.

Their problem.

This is a relationship - don't we all go in assuming this will be our life partner?

Partners work together to fix and help each other, thats why we are stronger in relationships?

what sort of terrible advice is this? Ditch a partner as soon as they need help? Who are you? :D

You cant help a hoarder without professional advice.

Hoarding is a deep and troubling complex (Hoarding is a distinct condition from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), though it is part of the OCD spectrum. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) previously classified hoarding as a type of OCD, but now considers it a separate condition)

You wouldnt try and fix someone with OCD (well you'd want to, but you just cant)

it's not about "growing up". It's not a maturity issue. It's a chronic mental health issue and they need help.

they re your partner. You are best placed to kick that process off somehow and get them the mental health support they so clearly need.