3.5 years later and he’s leaving his wife…

[Jigglytuff26]

A few years ago I had an affair with a MM. I was single, met him at a vulnerable time having escaped an abusive relationship. He supported me financially and helped me rebuild my life, and at the time I selfishly was focused on trying to survive and that’s it really. I lost everything leaving my ex and was starting from scratch. It was supposed to be an arrangement that worked for us both mutually.

We totally fell for each other. It was totally unplanned and unexpected and I was blindsided by it. I guess his wife noticed a change in him, and after nearly a year she found out. Part of me was relieved because I was finding it hard and obviously did not feel good about what I was doing. But it devastated my life. He tossed me aside like I was nothing. Said he had to stay for his kids. I was so badly affected I was hospitalised twice with severe anxiety. I had felt so deeply that he loved me so it was completely horrific. He still contacted me without her knowing from time to time despite trying to ‘reconcile’ with his wife. Mostly to say he was powerless in the situation and she was threatening to take the kids. I wasn’t the only woman he’d cheated with. He’d been doing it for years but had never been found out. He said he was very good at ‘compartmentalising’ until then, apparently.

Anyway. He stopped contacting me but continued stalking me online for over a year. I eventually confronted him. He admitted he loved me. Apologised for doing it and thought I hadn’t realised. Said he regretted marrying her. It was only for the kids. I said I had to block him and he didn’t want me to but understood. I did so but only on SM, not his phone.

So life carried on, I had been rebuilding my life and retrained in a whole new career. Rebuilt my finances after being financially abused by my ex. It’s been hell and the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m finally in a good place. New home, new job. Lovely housemates. I objectively know he’s been a shit. But there was not a day that went by I didn’t think of him. The whole thing was totally incongruous to who he was as a person, or thought he was, but yet he still did it. I have never been able to get my head around it.

So anyway. Over three years later and he has gotten in touch, and said they are separating. He wants to meet and I have no idea what to do. On one hand, he nearly destroyed me by doing what he did. I know objectively he is completely flawed as a person. On the other hand I have never felt for anyone the way I felt about him and it felt mutual. Aspects of his marriage seemed abusive to me and very similar to what I went through, but I’m aware I don’t know the whole picture. This is what I’ve seen - not what he told me.

I’m so torn as to whether to leave it alone or meet up and hear him out. I don’t want to compromise what I’ve built but also don’t want to regret it.

I’ve done so much work on myself to make sure I am never in a similar situation with a man again. My whole life has changed. I have sacrificed so much and had to face the abuse I suffered not just from my ex but from my childhood. I am not even the same person and usually this would mean he means nothing to me because I’ve evolved beyond it, but part of me still loves him. It’s not limerance or a trauma bond, it’s been years now, but still something I have never been able to shake despite seeing him for who he is and what he’s done.

Would appreciate thoughts. Is he just an inherently bad person? I know what I did was wrong but I did everything I could to better myself and make sure I wasn’t in that situation again. I don’t know if he’s done the same.

If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. Guaranteed she finally got sick of his behaviour and she is leaving. He's a serial cheater and that is part of his personality. I'd definitely save yourself the inevitable heartbreak and keep it in the past. Sounds like he's looking to string you along again and you won't be the only one.

First response nailed it.

How many other women has he sent the exact same message to? Any feelings you had for him were based on lies and manipulation.

Guaranteed you won't be the only one he's been cheating on his wife with, he's just hedging his bets.

I'm in the tell him to fuck off camp.

If he did it with you he will do it to you! His wife clearly threw him out, but once she calms down or, if he apologises hard enough, she might agree to try again. Where will that leave you?

He's running to you now because, you will tide him over till his wife forgives him or he finds someone suitable to make a life with. He's not going to make a life with you, if he wanted that he would have already done it!

I think people are fast with labeling people as abusers and maybe that's why you have trouble reconciling the situation.

I'm not judging you in any way as I have been in a somewhat similar situation, but you started a mutual beneficial relationship or so you both thought. It evolved unexpectedly. The wife found out.

The typical advice for a person having an affair is to drop the lover and concentrate on the marriage, which is what he did. He said that the wife threatened to take the kids, it wouldn't suprise me. In addition to what you heard and seen from her, she must have been angry and with reason. Had he chosen you over his kids, he would have been called a sh*tty father. Any good parent would priorise his kids. Also, if he stayed with you and his relationship with his kids were affected, he wouldn't have been happy and therefore your relationship with him wouldn't be happy.

There was no good way out of this messy situation.

Unless he was sh*t about it with you, if he ended it with some empathy, it was probably the best thing to do for everyone involved, including you. Believe me, you wouldn't want to be known as the OW and the kids whom he loves hating you. Just check the step-parenting forum and you will see what I'm talking about.

So unless I missed some info, I'm not sure where he abused you. If he lied to you that he's leaving his wife, like some MM do, and strung you along, I would agree. If he insulted you, etc. I would agree. In this case, I see 2 vulnerable people who got into an unhealthy relationship without thinking about consequences.

He definetely has things to work on and if he's willing, he can change/improve. It doesn't mean that you have to wait for him or give him a chance. Since you're still traumatized about what happened, it's certainly better for you to stay away.
There's a book called Why good people have affairs, it might help you make sense about his behaviour, so you can put your mind to rest.

FWIW, when I met my DP, one of the first things he told me about himself is that he cheated more than once on his exW. He told me that he felt bad about it and it's something he didn't want to repeat. He wanted me to know. He took all the responsibility of the cheating on himself, never really said anything bad about her. I met her since they shared kids and she's a nutcase (I wasn't the OW), yelling at me several times, manipulating people against me, etc. I'm friends now with a girl who she went out with after and this woman took advantage and emotionally destroyed the girl.

My DP had and has attachment issues and the relationship wasn't easy. I never cought him cheating in 13 years together. Both of us are working on ourselves.

Having said all this, maybe he only contacted you to chat, not to offer a relationship...

I hope these nuances help as MN is a very black and white place.

I only found out that my parents were cheating on each other when I was an adult and my mom told me. My sister didn't know it either. What I knew was that my parents didn't love each other, because they didn't sleep in one room and I didn't see affection. They didn't even fight. Children can not know if the parents has an affair, I don't know where you take this. Everybody's situation is different and my parents definetely wanted to shield us from the problems.

Saying it how hard it was for him, does it mean he doesn't realize how hard it is for others? As I mentioned previously, as a child, I had no idea my parents cheated. So if his kids don't know and he sees them normally happy, he might not be concerned. Many people stay in unhappy relationships for the kids not realizing (and that doesn't make them bad people) that it's healthier for the kids to see their parents happy with other people. On the other hand, it seems that many kids of divorce have trouble recovering from it and don't accept the new partner (especially when the other parent manipulates).
About the wife, when people are completely disconnected and there's disrespect, it's very hard to have empathy for each other. And sometimes people try to work on the relationship, but feelings just never come back. Sometimes, it's just too late. So I can imagine the situation where a person drops the lover, tried to sort of work on the relationship, but is unable to connect with the spouse and is unable to forget the lover with thom he/she felt good.

Maybe what could help you move on is not demonizing him, but to accept that he's a human being with issues, with good and not so good parts and that he's simply not for you now based on where you are in your life.

It's so rarely to see such a balanced view about these kinds of subjects on MN! Couldn't resist telling you.

I will never know the truth of their situation but I know he is at the least a weak person and at the worst a narcissistic sociopath.

You are absolutely untitled to your opinion, but since you've worked on yourself, you realize surely that being weak comes from having limiting beliefs and fears, which come from childhood experiences. And just like you could have been called weak (using a wealthy MM to get out of your situation), you have worked on yourself and got to a better place. So being weak is not a lifetime sentence, he could also reflect and work on himself.
I'm just saying that if you know how you acted in a way that the society would judge because of your own childhood trauma, it is strange that you are so unapologetic towards him. Does it help you feel better about yourself? I'm not judging, just something to reflect on.
If he's a narcissistic sociopath, it's a different story, but you say you haven't seen these traits.

Another dreamer.

Real it back, he's a dud.

He's not emotionally advanced because he fell in love with someone else.

He's an emotional idiot who hasn't the capability of making a primary relationship last longer than his fleeting feelings in his boxer shorts. I understand how you may have come to this conclusion as there are many men who are the same, self serving and cruel but there are actually decent men out there who don't feel the need to constantly renew for newer models.

Some men can actually communicate and be in a reciprocally loving and respectful partnership, be monogamous, not be bored shitless and keep away ow who don't mind if they do.

You’ve worked so hard on rebuilding your life and yourself it would be utter madness to let this scumbag into your life again. You are better than him. He’s clearly demonstrated that he causes carnage every way he turns. Don’t let him ruin you again. It takes a great deal of strength to move on from someone like him. I understand why it’s tempting, he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Block his phone number and never look back.

I never said he was emotionally advanced and there are no decent (as in no cheating) men out there. You really don't need to teach me how to read people, I've read enough about relationships.

If you meet him you may decide you don't fancy him any more. Job done.

Or maybe you need to work through this but it's likely he will dump you again at some point.

@DownLifting

Sometimes I wonder why MN reads like some
sort of 50s marriage manual for children. Where things are described not like they are in real life, but as they are ‘supposed to be’ .
People are supposed to pair up for life, like swans. Feelings aren't supposed to change, ever. Etc.

In reality - all we know about the man in question - is that he had an affair with the OP - (and helped her out financially when she needed it). And that he cheated before.
Of course - on MN - that strips him of humanity and feelings.

Primary relationships fail for many reasons. We dont know why his eventually did. He stayed and tried. Is all we know.
He could be a terrible person. Or a regular (imperfect) person in a terrible situation - which does include being/staying in a bad marriage for the fear of losing his kids’
None of us really know.

Incidentally - none of this helps OP with her original issue. See the guy or not…

In reality - all we know about the man in question - is that he had an affair with the OP - (and helped her out financially when she needed it). And that he cheated before.
Of course - on MN - that strips him of humanity and feelings.

Actually we know rather more than that.

We know he had multiple affairs. We know he dropped the OP unceremoniously when he got caught and then continued to lie to his wife. We know he’s contacted her again while he is still extracting himself from a marriage.

Reminding the OP of the fact that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour is hardly “stripping him of humanity and feelings”. It’s just saying he doesn’t seem to show his various partners much humanity and his feelings appear to be very shallow.

@jsku

You think time is evolving men.

I think they are devolving personally.

On many levels.

He definitely did not abuse her imo, she was happy to take his money when offered it and give him sex in return.

Ok so under that logic escorts can never be abused by men? If there is some kind of financial exchange because someone is in a presumably desperate situation that makes no difference? If all escorts turned down sex with married men they would have no work.
is it better or worse that this was the only man OP was seeing?

I think we have no idea what his life or marriage is or was like.

And in general - I don’t think affairs are all about just men. (Women have affairs too).
I think people have affairs for various reasons. Not all reasons are equal. Some are understandable. And, more importantly - not all are inductors or some deep personality flaws.

I think as a society we have an unrealistic expectations of what a marriage is or should be. Hence the divorce rate. Hence the affairs - at least some of them.

This 👆👆👆. Wife has ditched him 🎉🎉🎉🎉. Now there's a vacancy to fill; a port to find in a storm. Don't waste yourself on this man...you will be the next mug unfortunately if you get back with him. You have wasted enough years 👍. Block him on everything and set your sights higher. Good luck OP ❤️ 🍀

They for sure can be abused, in this case the woman was abused by. Previous partner but not by this man.

Because there was a financial element there can have been no abuse?
even if he didn’t ‘abuse’ OP as such there was definitely a power disparity. She didn’t just go after a MM for the sake of it. There was clearly a practical consideration following an abusive situation, and yet the comments on here make it seem like she should be hung drawn and quartered.
Do you ‘blame’ escorts for sleeping with MM for the same reason? Doesn’t seem like this situation is much different other than an emotional connection developed and OP wasn’t seeing multiple men.

No, I don’t blame escorts as they know what they are doing, sex for money. They do not blame or accuse the men involved. Of course if men hit or abuse them this is wrong.

but OP seems to be putting all the blame on the man when she happily took money from him, and was happy in their financial and sexual arrangement at the time despite the man having children and a wife.

The guy is a scumbag, but both parties are at fault here. He was no way abusing OP. I have no sympathy with someone who willingly sleeps with a married man and accepts large financial contributions and then has the audacity to blame him or suggest he was abusive when there is no evidence of it.

She never said he was abusive to her. She was questioning if he was an ‘inherently bad’ person due to the cheating and if she should give him a chance given how he has treated the women in his life generally.

that’s it really.

I know OP never said he was abusive. I’m talking to you because of what you said in your previous reply. Lots of others are also suggesting he was abusive.