3.5 years later and he’s leaving his wife…

[Jigglytuff26]

A few years ago I had an affair with a MM. I was single, met him at a vulnerable time having escaped an abusive relationship. He supported me financially and helped me rebuild my life, and at the time I selfishly was focused on trying to survive and that’s it really. I lost everything leaving my ex and was starting from scratch. It was supposed to be an arrangement that worked for us both mutually.

We totally fell for each other. It was totally unplanned and unexpected and I was blindsided by it. I guess his wife noticed a change in him, and after nearly a year she found out. Part of me was relieved because I was finding it hard and obviously did not feel good about what I was doing. But it devastated my life. He tossed me aside like I was nothing. Said he had to stay for his kids. I was so badly affected I was hospitalised twice with severe anxiety. I had felt so deeply that he loved me so it was completely horrific. He still contacted me without her knowing from time to time despite trying to ‘reconcile’ with his wife. Mostly to say he was powerless in the situation and she was threatening to take the kids. I wasn’t the only woman he’d cheated with. He’d been doing it for years but had never been found out. He said he was very good at ‘compartmentalising’ until then, apparently.

Anyway. He stopped contacting me but continued stalking me online for over a year. I eventually confronted him. He admitted he loved me. Apologised for doing it and thought I hadn’t realised. Said he regretted marrying her. It was only for the kids. I said I had to block him and he didn’t want me to but understood. I did so but only on SM, not his phone.

So life carried on, I had been rebuilding my life and retrained in a whole new career. Rebuilt my finances after being financially abused by my ex. It’s been hell and the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m finally in a good place. New home, new job. Lovely housemates. I objectively know he’s been a shit. But there was not a day that went by I didn’t think of him. The whole thing was totally incongruous to who he was as a person, or thought he was, but yet he still did it. I have never been able to get my head around it.

So anyway. Over three years later and he has gotten in touch, and said they are separating. He wants to meet and I have no idea what to do. On one hand, he nearly destroyed me by doing what he did. I know objectively he is completely flawed as a person. On the other hand I have never felt for anyone the way I felt about him and it felt mutual. Aspects of his marriage seemed abusive to me and very similar to what I went through, but I’m aware I don’t know the whole picture. This is what I’ve seen - not what he told me.

I’m so torn as to whether to leave it alone or meet up and hear him out. I don’t want to compromise what I’ve built but also don’t want to regret it.

I’ve done so much work on myself to make sure I am never in a similar situation with a man again. My whole life has changed. I have sacrificed so much and had to face the abuse I suffered not just from my ex but from my childhood. I am not even the same person and usually this would mean he means nothing to me because I’ve evolved beyond it, but part of me still loves him. It’s not limerance or a trauma bond, it’s been years now, but still something I have never been able to shake despite seeing him for who he is and what he’s done.

Would appreciate thoughts. Is he just an inherently bad person? I know what I did was wrong but I did everything I could to better myself and make sure I wasn’t in that situation again. I don’t know if he’s done the same.

Wonder if he’s the same “wealthy” man my colleague was with. He also serial cheater, cheated on mistresses.
He used to pay rent and give nice jewelry - only bracelets because then he didn’t need to remember which he gave what to. All bracelets from same retailer and bracelets most emotionally neutral jewelry item. . Generosity greased the wheels for him. Money & gifts made mistresses happy enough - his wife finally divorcing him very very costly for him.
End of affairs was always £10k cash gifts.

I know both sides as close friend with one of his best friends.

No one has suggested you’re solely to blame. As I stated, he was/is abusive to his wife by being a serial cheat carrying on with multiple other women (and you were obviously one of his many flings) so not sure where you got that from?

Just to clarify in case it wasn’t clear before - I think he is even more vile, destructive and self-centred but he’s not the one writing this thread hence there may seem to be a greater focus on you.

The thing is, some people are incredibly lacking in self awareness and/or lie to themselves. So no, I don’t believe what you claim about your character over what I’ve observed on this thread by the words, actions and behaviour you’ve outlined here.

And perhaps it is you who needs to accept that you don’t know much about the claims he’s made about his wife, since you never lived with them let alone met his wife?

On one hand you’re claiming you don’t feel good about it but I think that’s just guilt. If you actually felt true remorse about what you participated in - which is different from guilt - you wouldn’t be saying the things you have about his wife.

I’m not calling her an angel or a devil but that’s neither here nor there, because what I do know is you (along with her STBXH ) have treated her abominably and it’s likely she is wrestling with her own mental health issues due to her husband. So whatever she is or isn’t it’s certainly not your place as the former OW to be commenting negatively on her character.

I do think it’s a positive you’ve blocked him though, so all the best with that.

Don't go near him. He'll cheat on you as easily as he did on her. Don't pull drama back into your life.

It's astounding how many women believe what a cheating husband says about their wife. Tbh if he talks like that about his wife how on earth will he talk about an affair?

True!
A friend had an older married BF, a successful banker.

His excuse was: on holiday to Tahiti, his wife got an insect bite and got very ill. Her personality completely changed - he would never leave his wife due to her illness, but really she is not the woman he married …. It’s so sad.

what a great guy!!!

Well if op's health was affected so severly to be hospitalized then imagine how his wife's mental health could have been affected.

This man sounds like a covert narc.

Extremely good at manipulating.

Sadly, there are very many around. I have a number of colleagues that have "seconds" that they fund apartments for, give allowances and/or jewellery to (depending on how cautious they are with the paper trail). It's very common in the global leadership community.

Things get tricky when the "seconds" conceives as divorce from the wife inevitably impoverishes the wealthy cheat.

Of course, if there are "seconds", there are "thirds" - they will simply get dinners, and international business trips away as opposed to an apartment.

Of course the OW are always young and early career so the married cheat has both wealth and experience power dynamic in his favour.

It's very seedy and run-of-the mill. The wealthy senior management married cheat is viewed as quite a catch in very many parts of the world by very many women, sadly. It seems the OP may be one of them.

There's a theory that inconsistent rewards make you try the hardest/most engaged. It's a basic psychology concept, used in gaming but it also works in dating.

Therefore someone who is 'hot then cold' will give you inconsistent reward and basically be much more engaging than any steady relationship. Like addiction though, it doesn't mean they're good for you or even that this person is particularly special.

I wasn’t the only woman he’d cheated with. He’d been doing it for years but had never been found out. He said he was very good at ‘compartmentalising’ until then, apparently.

Don’t be an idiot.
This is who he is.

So he treated you and his wife terribly but you might meet with him? You need more self respect

Leave it firmly in the past, you're young, keep
making good choices: he is not one of them.
He's likely contacted other affair partners hoping for a yes.

After working so hard on your own self esteem, why would you want someone like him? You deserve better,he has admitted to affairs and that you wasn't the only one, he's not good enough for you. He will either cheat on you or go back to his wife. Please let him go, personally I think you are better then him

He'll do the same to you with another woman.

And I'm sorry to say it but in my eyes you would completely deserve it.

So in that respect, do what you want. You two deserve each other

You say he never strung you along- he never had to. He had you where he wanted you until now when he is appearing to place an offer on the table.

You say he was in an abusive relationship- What do you think cheating on someone is? His wife's sexual health was unknowingly put at risk. Her life and husband as she knew it was ripped away. She was put through trauma. He could have left but instead he was selfish and has his cake and ate it. Funny how those who cheat never point their own flaws out or take the blame for their actions. Marriage is not a prison sentence where you have to serve time. It's a contract that can be severed.

You say you have rebuilt your life- What on earth would you want to be dragged backwards for?

He has no doubt been dumped by the wife or left for another affair partner who it didn't work out with. By all means start a relationship with him if its what you want but don't be surprised when he advertises a mistress vacancy or turns you into the mistress again.

Right now he should be on his own sorting out the divorce and giving his kids stability. Instead he is looking for a warm place to put his d!@k

Trust me he is using you. I know I have been where you are. You will always be the supporting actress in his life. What you need to be is the leading lady.
You have built yourself back up don't let him bring you back down.
You are better off without him .

I feel really sorry for you. Ignore everyone making you feel bad. You made mistakes. You were vulnerable. And you feel bad about it. In an ideal world you would be able to just turn your back on him and not care. It troubles you that you can't and you are looking for answers. But it IS NOT because he was the 'love of your life' if that's what you are worried about. It's because he was an abuser. And abusers are very very good at manipulating and getting you into habitual bad behaviour. There is loads of research on memory and what that means. Our minds are amazing things. You know when you smell a perfume that you used for a period of time and havent smelt it since, and it takes you right back to the time where you wore it? Research shows that memory works by transporting you back to the emotional feelings of that time. Him getting back in touch out of the blue is like a perfume smell - it has taken you back to how you emotionally felt about him at that time. That is all. Rationally you know he is bad news, but your emotions are making you worry that you have lost the love of your life, You havent. speak to your therapist, keep him blocked, and continue moving on. It's possible to miss someone, be sad about not having them in your life any more, while simultaneously knowing you are so much better off without them. I saw something on Insta 'Yes I miss you, but I would rather chew my own arm off then speak to you again'. You're human. Forgive yourself, recognise it is hard because it's hard, and keep moving in the right direction. Much love and good luck!

You want someone on your level, despite all your hardship you've pulled yourself together and started again. What great strength you never realised you had. Now it's time to see how worthy he is of you, whether he can pull himself together in the way you have. He needs to be alone to find that out, and you know if he just ends up in another relationship, he never felt for you what he said he did.

I think your tone veers from naivety to victim. You have absolutely no idea that this man told you the truth, his wife and children however were definitely missing the facts. You need to take a step back and consider more deeply why you allowed yourself to play a bit part in someone else’s show. Mistresses are entirely disposable, as you have witnessed, if he is back he’s probably hoping for a nostalgic fuck. Honestly OP, time to reflect and move forward.

I think the expression here is that hope triumphs over experience. And I think the reason you're still interested is because of the hope you have for your future - to be loved and in a stable healthy relationship and it feels like the easiest way to achieve that desire is with him.

But at the same time, your actual experience is telling you that it will not be true. And yet... the hope is still there.

Clichés exist for a reason, hope is powerful. I think you've had a pile on here cause it's pretty obvious how hopeful you are that he has changed but we all have enough experience to know he probably hasn't. (Sorry)

So, spend some time thinking about how to get what you want - which i think is a healthy loving relationship. Ask yourself if you want to go through the ringer again with him and if you have the time to waste on another go round on his carousel of misery. It's OK if you do want to do it, it's your life, you're the only person who has to live with your regrets.

Personally, I'd try and find a new boyfriend. Maybe give yourself a time frame (a year?) to really try and meet someone new, join new stuff, Internet date etc. If you do that and at the end you still think he's the man for you, then maybe you go back. But my guess is you won't want to.

My hope is that you free yourself from this man and find someone who deserves you. Good luck OP. 💐

No, just no. Although I understand some of.your thoughts on.this, I think they indicate you maybe have more work to do on yourself in setting good boundaries and the expectations that you have for people in your life. Maybe consider some therapy. Best wishes.

This is a life wrecking idiot and you need to avoid him like the plague

He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

He’s not leaving his wife for you. He’s separating from his wife after years of repeated infidelity and you are a potentially warm landing place for him.

It’s really hard when we have big dramatic history with people because it creates big dramatic response pathways in our brains. You are literally wired to respond with ‘big feelings’ to him because of all the drama and pain surrounding your historical trauma and the circumstances of your relationship with him.

It is chemical - it isn’t real. He isn’t the magical one who got away or the only one for you. He’s someone who’s tripping your neurotransmitters in a big way and you can rewire yourself. Our brains are incredibly malleable / plastic.

You have described your lovely rebuilt life. Congratulations on all the work it’s taken you to get there - please don’t jeopardise it!

Creating a formula where you remind yourself ‘feelings can feel big without being ‘real’ and your lovely life is too precious to risk being derailed by a serial cheater’

then consider what it is that’s enticing about seeing him? Is there a romantic? Sexual? Companionship? Gap in your life - what would be good healthy ways to seek to fill that gap?

Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist with nowhere to go. You've done a lot of work on yourself so please don't let him spoil it.

Also how do you know that it’s him leaving his wife and not her, booting his cheating arse out? Liars be lying.

Yes he's a user, although op will not like to believe that.

This man could have had you 3 years ago and he chose not to.

I highly doubt his decision to return is based on an ephiphany of deciding he can't live without you. The man is a serial cheat who maybe has periods of 'falling in love' with whatever new shiny thing he's managed to chat up.

I reckon he's found a new sidepiece, maybe he has separated from his wife, maybe not but it sounds as though he's in play mode and this takes planning.
You are already a known source to the wife, she will be diverted into thinking it's you if he contacts you, you become a decoy for keeping the real object of his real affections undercover.
All he has to do is give you a few crumbs of hope, you can also be useful if he decides to discard his family fully because you can be blamed for the whole shebang.

Meanwhile he can keep the real ow, the primary one whose placed first and foremost on the downlow.

That's how real narcs work.