A few years ago I had an affair with a MM. I was single, met him at a vulnerable time having escaped an abusive relationship. He supported me financially and helped me rebuild my life, and at the time I selfishly was focused on trying to survive and that’s it really. I lost everything leaving my ex and was starting from scratch. It was supposed to be an arrangement that worked for us both mutually.
We totally fell for each other. It was totally unplanned and unexpected and I was blindsided by it. I guess his wife noticed a change in him, and after nearly a year she found out. Part of me was relieved because I was finding it hard and obviously did not feel good about what I was doing. But it devastated my life. He tossed me aside like I was nothing. Said he had to stay for his kids. I was so badly affected I was hospitalised twice with severe anxiety. I had felt so deeply that he loved me so it was completely horrific. He still contacted me without her knowing from time to time despite trying to ‘reconcile’ with his wife. Mostly to say he was powerless in the situation and she was threatening to take the kids. I wasn’t the only woman he’d cheated with. He’d been doing it for years but had never been found out. He said he was very good at ‘compartmentalising’ until then, apparently.
Anyway. He stopped contacting me but continued stalking me online for over a year. I eventually confronted him. He admitted he loved me. Apologised for doing it and thought I hadn’t realised. Said he regretted marrying her. It was only for the kids. I said I had to block him and he didn’t want me to but understood. I did so but only on SM, not his phone.
So life carried on, I had been rebuilding my life and retrained in a whole new career. Rebuilt my finances after being financially abused by my ex. It’s been hell and the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m finally in a good place. New home, new job. Lovely housemates. I objectively know he’s been a shit. But there was not a day that went by I didn’t think of him. The whole thing was totally incongruous to who he was as a person, or thought he was, but yet he still did it. I have never been able to get my head around it.
So anyway. Over three years later and he has gotten in touch, and said they are separating. He wants to meet and I have no idea what to do. On one hand, he nearly destroyed me by doing what he did. I know objectively he is completely flawed as a person. On the other hand I have never felt for anyone the way I felt about him and it felt mutual. Aspects of his marriage seemed abusive to me and very similar to what I went through, but I’m aware I don’t know the whole picture. This is what I’ve seen - not what he told me.
I’m so torn as to whether to leave it alone or meet up and hear him out. I don’t want to compromise what I’ve built but also don’t want to regret it.
I’ve done so much work on myself to make sure I am never in a similar situation with a man again. My whole life has changed. I have sacrificed so much and had to face the abuse I suffered not just from my ex but from my childhood. I am not even the same person and usually this would mean he means nothing to me because I’ve evolved beyond it, but part of me still loves him. It’s not limerance or a trauma bond, it’s been years now, but still something I have never been able to shake despite seeing him for who he is and what he’s done.
Would appreciate thoughts. Is he just an inherently bad person? I know what I did was wrong but I did everything I could to better myself and make sure I wasn’t in that situation again. I don’t know if he’s done the same.