DC Weddings

[Evelinska]

I'd be grateful for any advice/ opinions. I've learned an enormous amount from MN over the years about DV and I only wish I'd come to it sooner.

Two of my DC have got engaged in the past few months and are planning their weddings. Their father/ my ex husband has had very little to do with them since I asked him to leave fifteen years ago. The DC lived with me and me alone after the divorce. Contact is minimal both between the DC and their father and between myself and my ex husband. My ex husband was very violent - high level violence - over a very long period and the DC (to my great shame) witnessed the injuries and heard the noise.

He has never been invited by them to any other major events in their lives (graduations etc) but there's an unspoken consensus that he ought to be invited to the weddings. I think perhaps this is partly to do with not rocking the boat with the partners, who I suspect don't know the details. We've all tried to move on. I completely get that position re. inviting him.

For some reason I'm feeling absurdly dragged back into the past by the idea of him being with me at a family event. I've tried to draw an iron curtain over the past and if my thoughts stray that way I push them away hard. I'm absolutely determined that the DC shouldn't have such a big life event spoiled but I'm seriously worried about him drinking too much and trying to put me down vocally in front of the other parents/ guests or approaching other DC who have told him they want nothing to do with him ever again. Basically causing a scene and spoiling the wedding/s. I'm able not to react but I can't do anything to limit his behaviour.

I also don't want to look as though I'm trying to stick my oar in with wedding arrangements but having some input into the seating plans might help. Then again both my DC who are marrying are the grooms, so I could easily look to their fiancees like an interfering over controlling mother in law to be - but as I say, I don't think either of them have a clue how bad things were, just that my sons think their father is a bit of a dick.

Any advice about how I can handle this for the best? I've had a few snarky WhatsApps from my ex husband recently. The absolutely key thing is that I don't want any of my DC upset, or their event or their sibling's event messed up. And actually I do think that at the core I'm making this all about me, which is something I don't like.

I've name changed for this - it's very personal - and I've never started a thread before.

I am really sorry you have suffered such abuse, there are some great support services and charities which might be able to offer advice. Not having had the experience myself, the only thing that struck me was, why does he have your number? Can you block him? And secondly, I think telling your sons and their partners that you are worried their dad might drink too much and become violent again is really reasonable. Good luck.

I would tell both the brides to be. Discreetly, That given the history, you are giving them a heads up. You respect their choices, but you are in no way able to predict how unpleasant & violent he might be.
Making sure you are as far away from him & any disruption on the day.

Thanks both for your replies. I don't think I can possibly tell my DIL to be - it's my sons' choice and I think we're all incredibly ashamed.

Why don’t your sons just tell their fiancées the truth and why there’s a chance he could cause problems during the celebrations? If I was the fiancée I’d want to know about any potential issues so I could take steps to prevent them in the first place. I also wouldn’t want a woman beating abusive a**hole at my wedding either. If you’re comfortable with them knowing I would speak to your sons and suggest they might want to discuss with their fiancées the very real possibility that he could at least make you very uncomfortable or at worst, create a terrible scene.

What have you got to be ashamed of? You’re all victims of his abuse. Would you think your DIL’s should be ashamed if they’d been victims of previous domestic violence?

And block him so he can't be sending abusive messages.

My sons are so unlike their father they couldn't be more so . But the DIL might well be horrified, and worried - surely?

I would never do this to my mum.

Id be very surprised if your soon to be DIL's don't at least have an idea that he was abusive. Id speak to them about please making sure there was at least some distance between you with seating. My DSis did this at her wedding as her DH's father had been similar.
You're not making it about you. You are having a trauma response to a man who abused you for years. Have you had counselling or therapy
That can help so much. Also any chance you will be able to have someone there who you can lean on emotionally? Like a sister/partner/friend? That will help too. BLOCK HIM! There is absolutely no reason for him to be able to contact you

In your DILs shoes I would rather have a heads up and be told about it - there's nothing to be ashamed for, you have escaped a violent abusive man - there's no shame in being strong! I wouldn't be horrified or worried, I'd be happy to do anything I could to support you and make you feel comfortable at the wedding as the future MIL.

If he was high level violent I am really unsure why your DC aren't able to not invite him, especially if he hasn't been involved in any other life celebrations. However I do understand that's their choice, but the brides should really have all of the knowledge to be able to make an informed choice to invite or not - it would be a shame for him to continue his destructive behaviours and ruin the wedding, or cause any distress to you.

Do you have a plus one for the wedding? A close friend who knows the history and can act as a support for you?

You need to block him. You do not need any contact.

Have the boys explained why they're inviting him? Could you have a frank discussion with them about why? At this rate of everyone not talking, you'll end up sat next to him at dinner. Please, speak to them. Maybe they feel they SHOULD. They don't have to maybe they need to hear it's ok not to

The sons just don't want to rock the boat. Honestly it's a can of worms. They're happy; there seems no reason to drag up a tawdry past. None of this was their fault, it was mine and their father's.

I think you need to talk to your sons and break this "unspoken" thing.

Your sons need to prioritise peace and happiness and your welfare above some misplaced idea of 'shame'

The only shame should be from the nasty woman beating arsehole.

This feeling ashamed isn't healthy for you or your sons.

Do not allow this awful man to spoil your sons wedding.

Do your children want their father there? Have their fiancé's met him?

In either situation its time for them to have a honest conversation with their fiancé's as to why he is not invited, and or his past behaviour and they can decide whether his presence is welcome on their happiest day of their life together.

Thank you so much for all these responses. I'm reading them down as fast as I can.

Yikes. Raw nerve. But that involves going back and we've all moved on (me possibly less it seems - though I thought I had).

And honestly, you need to think about the future and bigger picture - if your ex's violence is concealed from the wives-to-be they might pressure your sons to involve him in their lives more, not realising the reason they keep him at arms length, which puts them and any future grandchildren at greater risk.

He's not just a danger to you.

OP why has this scummy man got your number ?

One of the fiancees has had a recent very difficult bereavement - this pales. That makes it almost impossible to do what people are advising although I see the good sense.

You never ever truly move on from this level of DV.

It's always there in the back of your mind.

Take your sons aside separately from the brides and tell them about the recent messages. Let them know it is completely their decision to invite their father to the weddings and this will be the last you speak on the subject.

Based upon his recent messages, you are concerned he has not mature or mellowed with age and that he is going to make a scene at the wedding. You can’t know for certain because you have limited information. You are letting them have all the information you have so they can make their own decision.

You will support any decision they make. They should talk to their fiancés and decide their personal path. You love them. You know this is hard and there are good reasons they might take any approach. You know they will make the right decisions for themselves, whatever that decision ends up being.

then stand true to your word and show up with a smile no matter what they do.

Thanks. To all intents and purposes I've been very assertive and independent since I told him to leave (one big thing tripped a switch, finally). It's the first time in fifteen years where I've had a wobble - but it's a big one.