DC Weddings

[Evelinska]

I'd be grateful for any advice/ opinions. I've learned an enormous amount from MN over the years about DV and I only wish I'd come to it sooner.

Two of my DC have got engaged in the past few months and are planning their weddings. Their father/ my ex husband has had very little to do with them since I asked him to leave fifteen years ago. The DC lived with me and me alone after the divorce. Contact is minimal both between the DC and their father and between myself and my ex husband. My ex husband was very violent - high level violence - over a very long period and the DC (to my great shame) witnessed the injuries and heard the noise.

He has never been invited by them to any other major events in their lives (graduations etc) but there's an unspoken consensus that he ought to be invited to the weddings. I think perhaps this is partly to do with not rocking the boat with the partners, who I suspect don't know the details. We've all tried to move on. I completely get that position re. inviting him.

For some reason I'm feeling absurdly dragged back into the past by the idea of him being with me at a family event. I've tried to draw an iron curtain over the past and if my thoughts stray that way I push them away hard. I'm absolutely determined that the DC shouldn't have such a big life event spoiled but I'm seriously worried about him drinking too much and trying to put me down vocally in front of the other parents/ guests or approaching other DC who have told him they want nothing to do with him ever again. Basically causing a scene and spoiling the wedding/s. I'm able not to react but I can't do anything to limit his behaviour.

I also don't want to look as though I'm trying to stick my oar in with wedding arrangements but having some input into the seating plans might help. Then again both my DC who are marrying are the grooms, so I could easily look to their fiancees like an interfering over controlling mother in law to be - but as I say, I don't think either of them have a clue how bad things were, just that my sons think their father is a bit of a dick.

Any advice about how I can handle this for the best? I've had a few snarky WhatsApps from my ex husband recently. The absolutely key thing is that I don't want any of my DC upset, or their event or their sibling's event messed up. And actually I do think that at the core I'm making this all about me, which is something I don't like.

He has my phone number because he always has done.

I'm not scared of him in terms of violence. I'm actually profoundly contemptuous of him. I am scared/ worried about him spoiling the weddings though - very much so.

So what? No-one will care or probably even notice if he’s at the wedding or not. Everyone is focusing on the newlyweds. If anyone asks afterwards, they just say he wasn’t invited because they’re estranged/don’t get on, etc. That’s it. It’s no-one else’s business. You spoke about shame. The only person who should have any shame is him! Not you or your DC. However, like I said, no-one will give it a second thought. They’ll all be caught up in the celebrations.

I'd be putting my foot down on this. Him or me, your choice! Of course you don't want to miss the wedding, but it should be a fair bet that they'd choose you, and basically shows how strong you feel that it's out of order for him to be there, which it is.
Any man who'd been that violent would be dead to me, and hopefully my DC's too.

I'm living same situation as you. You never really move on but counselling does help loads.
Mine was and is still a violent alcoholic
I can't envisage him at my ds wedding it would be absurd after all the horrors he put us through. Better if he stayed away.

Doubledded123 I've not had any. I just try to shut out memories. It's been ok but this is a tricky one. Drink is a big problem with him. Sorry to hear you've had a rubbish hand dealt to you.

It's being treated as this big shameful secret - but it's not your shame, it's his. Utterly his.

The danger in continuing to cover up his shame is that it puts the weddings at risk of disruption.

Or getting his foot in the door with women who don't know enough about him to be cautious and naively think their husbands should make more effort with their dad.

I agree, if he starts kicking off with Dd for example, it will be difficult to explain to your DILs & their families & friends that he is your violent abusive ex H.
They would much prefer to know this beforehand & make a calculated decisions with the appropriate information as to potential embarrassment etc

category12 yes I agree that brushing it to one side is a risk. My reaction to not brushing it aside is.... aargh. It seems too big a thing to deal with and as though I'd be taking a wrecking ball to what's a happy time for both sons.

I see. May I ask why you have not blocked him? My heart goes out to you, to deal with this after such a long time - you sound like you carry so much shame and you should be proud of getting yourself out of there.

Could your daughter speak to her brothers? It might be easier if she reminds them that he might cause a scene and has no need to be there

This DD could but she's so incredibly hostile to her father that it would be better coming from me. I do realise that that isn't a healthy place for her to be but that's been her position for years.

I think this is a situation where you have to bite the bullet and say something.
You don't need to give every detail, but you do need to be clear that things were very bad, he was seriously violent and you will never ever be comfortable being in the same room as him - he makes you feel sick

There are some very real risks here if he attends

He could ruin the wedding day(s)
Seeing him could set your recovery back years
Do your sons really want to put their sisters through the trauma of seeing him?
Inviting him makes him 'acceptable' - that means your future DIL are not warned about the type of person he truly is and they and any future dc may be put at risk

The only shame to be felt is by him. You did nothing wrong and it's possible you may need to admit what happened to people so you can move on

Please do get some counselling so you can deal with this and put it fully behind you

Block his number too - there is absolutely no good reason for him to contact you. You don't need to be dealing with any calls or messages

Why wouldn’t your DD be hostile to her father?

I hadn't thought about the making him 'acceptable' point jackstini. That's completely right.

I'm genuinely astonished at how many of you aren't just telling me to suck it up, that he's the father and got every right to be there too, even if he might cause a scene after a drink or five.

I think maybe it's time to do a bit of therapy/counselling?

Weddings have plentiful access to booze usually.

So here we will have a Violent man, angry that his dds have nothing to do with him, still abusive towards you by sounds of it (if only by phone currently), in a venue with alcohol - and he will know all the women are likely to try to pretend everything is ok for fear of ruining the day - what could possibly go wrong?!

He's the wrecking ball, not you.

I suppose most people would say it's not the natural way to be.

So here we will have a Violent man, angry that his dds have nothing to do with him, still abusive towards you by sounds of it (if only by phone currently), in a venue with alcohol - and he will know all the women are likely to try to pretend everything is ok for fear of ruining the day - what could possibly go wrong?!

Um yes. In a nutshell.

Well, I did ask for advice. Clearly I need to talk.

It is up to the children what they say or not, you must have realised having children with someone would mean they may be at the children's events as they grow and as adults

You don't need to say anything it is their events, if they ask for advice then provide it

All of this advice rings true. I know you don't want to have difficult conversations about their happy days but pre warning them will give them a chance to put measures in place to minimise potential harm or to make an informed decision about not inviting him.

Think too that DIL needs to know what the issues so future GC are not at risk. Imagine if he was asked to look after potential GC first and hour alone or take them to the park? Etc. that would be horrendous.

Firstly, block him from contacting you.

If he is invited to the wedding(s) and a traditional, long top table is adopted, you and he will be seated far apart.

However, you need to remember that the only shame in this situation is his. You and your DC should be proud of having got away from him and making good lives for yourselves. I know you want to keep things happy and peaceful for the weddings but you can't wipe out his behaviour by ignoring it.

I would be asking the sons if they want him there, why they want him there and is it because they think they have to. Don't do it because they are scared he'll kick off as then you're just giving in to a bully. Everyone should teach their children from a young age to never give in to bullies.

Are you sure your sons haven't told their fiancés? If you're in a serious relationship, part of that is sharing the troubles you've been through.

If I was the future DIL and I was not told I would be so angry if my wedding was ruined by this man and it could have been prevented. She needs to know the truth to make an informed choice. Otherwise harsh as it seems you & her groom to be will be who she takes out her anger on.

I'm not certain, no. I think more likely they've just said they have very little to do with him because he's a dick.