DC Weddings

[Evelinska]

I'd be grateful for any advice/ opinions. I've learned an enormous amount from MN over the years about DV and I only wish I'd come to it sooner.

Two of my DC have got engaged in the past few months and are planning their weddings. Their father/ my ex husband has had very little to do with them since I asked him to leave fifteen years ago. The DC lived with me and me alone after the divorce. Contact is minimal both between the DC and their father and between myself and my ex husband. My ex husband was very violent - high level violence - over a very long period and the DC (to my great shame) witnessed the injuries and heard the noise.

He has never been invited by them to any other major events in their lives (graduations etc) but there's an unspoken consensus that he ought to be invited to the weddings. I think perhaps this is partly to do with not rocking the boat with the partners, who I suspect don't know the details. We've all tried to move on. I completely get that position re. inviting him.

For some reason I'm feeling absurdly dragged back into the past by the idea of him being with me at a family event. I've tried to draw an iron curtain over the past and if my thoughts stray that way I push them away hard. I'm absolutely determined that the DC shouldn't have such a big life event spoiled but I'm seriously worried about him drinking too much and trying to put me down vocally in front of the other parents/ guests or approaching other DC who have told him they want nothing to do with him ever again. Basically causing a scene and spoiling the wedding/s. I'm able not to react but I can't do anything to limit his behaviour.

I also don't want to look as though I'm trying to stick my oar in with wedding arrangements but having some input into the seating plans might help. Then again both my DC who are marrying are the grooms, so I could easily look to their fiancees like an interfering over controlling mother in law to be - but as I say, I don't think either of them have a clue how bad things were, just that my sons think their father is a bit of a dick.

Any advice about how I can handle this for the best? I've had a few snarky WhatsApps from my ex husband recently. The absolutely key thing is that I don't want any of my DC upset, or their event or their sibling's event messed up. And actually I do think that at the core I'm making this all about me, which is something I don't like.

I'm the child of divorced parents. And while there was no violence or abuse in their relationship, neither could stand the other post divorce and it was massively awkward all round if they ever spent more than approx. 2 minutes next to each other as we awaited their juvenile sniping.

When I married, I pinched the idea from an Italian friend of a 'sweetheart' table. That is, a table for two for just the bride and groom. Then, my mother 'hosted' a table (her family, basically), my father hosted a table (his family) and my in laws hosted a table (their close family). It stopped me worrying about my parents bickering like children and also allowed me and my husband to speak to each other and have some time together - which weirdly doesn't happen all that much on a wedding day.

Speak to your sons' fiancées. Explain that your ex husband was abusive and that's why he's never been at other events. Explain that you will respect her and your son's wishes and if they'd like to invite him then you're accepting of that; it's their wedding and you'll support them with whatever they choose. However say you'd be grateful if they could try to ensure you and your ex aren't sat together at any point, for obvious reasons and - if possible - you'd like your partner/sibling/cousin/close friend/other son to be with you as much as possible.

It's absolutely fine to make a polite and reasonable request such as this. Your sons and their financées won't want you to feel worried or stressed so should be more than understanding at you being clear from the get go how you feel.

oh love.... tell them. your boys.
are they ware hes msgd you? They gony want to have wonderful wedding days.
HIDING reality or veiling it causes years of (not entirely fair)guilt. Thats how abuse works.You know this.
I dont think you have to attempt to call shots.an honest conversation is defintely in their intrest tho.

It was his fault he was violent.

Flatulence thanks.

Crikey, think the point has been missed here, not sure you've understood about the violent abuse and how that might change things?

Cheers Diecast.

It would be useful if seriously violent people would declare it before getting married. Just so that everyone is on the same page.

I'm afraid that these two things are wholly interconnected.

You can't possibly manage the wedding situation without communicating with your sons.

As others have said, you don't need to go into detail, but you can raise concerns about his potential behavior inspecting not just you but your other children and guests, and at the very least come up with a plan of action together should he attend and kick off.

Also - I feel you are mistaking not talking about something and pretending it didn't happen for moving on. I imagine your children think about what happened a lot, they just don't want to upset you by bringing it up. They will probably feel relief at you opening up about it a bit.

It's awful what happened to you and you absolutely deserve to have your needs put before your abusive ex's.

Yes to all of this. A lot to think about but you're right on every score.

At the risk of being boring - thanks to all those who responded. It's extremely valuable to me; very grateful.

I think for a DD who saw her father abusing her mother active hostility towards him is exactly the natural way to be.

Just because someone provided the seed to make a child doesn't mean he deserves to be treated like a father. This man forfeited those privileges when he abused you.

You need to stop covering up the past. For your children's sake as much as your own you should talk about it, amongst your family and with a counselor.

It might be worth your sons talking to a counselor as well if they haven't already - it sounds like they haven't had a positive father role model and now that they're getting married it may bring up issues for them about how they will parent if they have children.

For their sake can you bring yourself to model self help after abuse? Bring it into the light, get some therapy. You have done an amazing job getting free and raising your children. Give them the final gift of healing from the cycle of abuse. You are so strong, you can do it. ❤️

It was not your fault. It was their sperms donors. He has not parented them and should not be there. I would speak to your sons.

So I don’t talk to my father due to him being nasty to my mother, cheating on her and an all round not great guy. I also decided not to invite him to my wedding. Why would I when I have nothing to do with him? I wonder if your boys would feel the same.

Also agree about speaking to the brides, I would be so upset to find out my MiL was so upset about wedding plans that can be fairly easily fixed. Also the easy enough response to “you’re not invited” is “you should have thought about that before you treated our mum so poorly”.

All these secrets that nobody talks about will blow up at some point. Imagine if he makes a scene authentic wedding. How upset your children will be. How upset the bride will be, to have her day ruined and because of something that nobody told her about. If she finds out that you could have stopped it but allowed, enabled even, her day to be spoilt.

Your sons should also not be keeping this secret from their wives to be. It's not fair to anyone

Openess and honesty is the way forward. Shine light on what happened and how it affected you and your children. There's nothing for you to be ashamed of and you will feel a burden has been lifted

So this is not even just about you, your daughter should be protected from having to interact with him too. What thought have your sons given to protecting her?

Snugglemonkey I don't think the two brothers have thought about it in those terms. She's older than them and supremely feisty. Not someone who they'd think of as needing protection. Not being stupid here either. But I do think that there's room for issues at the wedding with this daughter. My ex husband is very chippy about her indeed.

Will there be a photographer suggesting things like family photos? Honestly op, there is so much potential for something kicking off, your Dils really deserve to know the undercurrents here. It would be upsetting enough if there is a scene at the wedding, but to find out after that it was entirely predictable and noone informed me of the risks, if I were a dil I would be furious with him obviously, but I would not be one bit pleased with the whole rest of the family who left me vulnerable to that and didn't do me the courtesy of giving me the information I needed to make an informed choice about my guest list.

You have the opportunity to protect yourself, your daughter, your sons, your dils and to protect their special days. Some kind of conversation about his recent nastiness and volatility is essential, couched interesting of minimising risk to everyone. Then they can choose to ditch him.

Thank you for that Emptyandsad - you're quite right, I know.

Snugglemonkey photos fill me with horror at the best of times. The prospect for a family one is grim.

The point being made about the fiancees' right to know about potential issues is powerful. I hadn't thought of it like that.

I really think you need to. Along with considering the traditional photo thing. There is such a potential for your daughter to be put on the spot about being in photos with him, if not you.

It is important to speak to your sons about the fact that your daughter is probably spiky as she is defensive. Naturally, given her background. Just because she looks strong does not mean she doesn't hurt inside. How do hurt people react when they are confronted with the arsehole who caused the pain? Especially one who will not accept that their actions caused the hurt? He may well trigger her. I would never put my sibling/s in that position. It might be her who kicks off and it really wouldn't be her fault.

I heard a brilliant thing the other day: make the shame switch sides.

Why are you ashamed? This is not your shame to carry. Your sons are old enough to get married, they're old enough for you to have a frank conversation with them.

Even the thought of him ruining their day will ruin yours, and your DDs, and it's likely he'll ruin their day anyway. That's a lot of shite rolling downhill and it's going to cover everyone.

Talk to them and do it before invitations are issued.

Yes, she's hurt and yes he absolutely does not accept that anything he did was wrong or that he is in any way to blame Snugglemonkey.

He lives in a fantasy land.

ElderSmurf a strong image (shite rolling downhill), logged in my brain.

OP, honestly this is too awful to contemplate.

Kindly meant, but your sons have absolutely no business marrying women when they are hiding so much of their history.
It is so dishonest of them.
This is their father.
To include such a violent abuser in a wedding party is a further lie.
Your poor daughters and you.
You do your sons no favours to allow them to lie by ommission and mislead.

Your ex is scum with a drink problem, of course he will kick off and he will make a holy show of himself and his ex family.

The new in laws will be WTF??? and absolutely appalled to have been kept in the dark.
They will be appalled on behalf of their daughter.

Far far better that you spell it out to your sons.
They should not be contemplating marriage with such deception.
You and your children have nothing to be ashamed about, it is all on him.

He was cast out and that is it.
He is scum that is not to be trusted.
Tell your sons about his contact and block him.
He is nothing to you.

How ever bad you imagine the truth to be, it coming out at the wedding will be catastrophic.

Your sons sound a bit obtuse so you really are not doing them any favours colluding with them.

They need to think about you and your daughters and how this will ruin the day....not to mind how their future in laws will view these revelations in front of other family and friends.

They need to spell out their past to their future wives, the impact on the women of the family and how he has no business near the wedding, not least because he is highly likely to make a show of himself and spoil things.

Honestly most people would be appalled at this reveal being allowed to occur at a wedding.
It will undoubtedly ruin it and make you all the subject of so much gossip and speculation.

Far better to tell the truth to the fiancé's.
At the wedding the wider story can be that ye are not close and he is not part of their lives or whatever.

Wishing you well.

Your DILs need to know. What if you don't tell them and then he has access to any future grandchildren? Safety comes first