DC Weddings

[Evelinska]

I'd be grateful for any advice/ opinions. I've learned an enormous amount from MN over the years about DV and I only wish I'd come to it sooner.

Two of my DC have got engaged in the past few months and are planning their weddings. Their father/ my ex husband has had very little to do with them since I asked him to leave fifteen years ago. The DC lived with me and me alone after the divorce. Contact is minimal both between the DC and their father and between myself and my ex husband. My ex husband was very violent - high level violence - over a very long period and the DC (to my great shame) witnessed the injuries and heard the noise.

He has never been invited by them to any other major events in their lives (graduations etc) but there's an unspoken consensus that he ought to be invited to the weddings. I think perhaps this is partly to do with not rocking the boat with the partners, who I suspect don't know the details. We've all tried to move on. I completely get that position re. inviting him.

For some reason I'm feeling absurdly dragged back into the past by the idea of him being with me at a family event. I've tried to draw an iron curtain over the past and if my thoughts stray that way I push them away hard. I'm absolutely determined that the DC shouldn't have such a big life event spoiled but I'm seriously worried about him drinking too much and trying to put me down vocally in front of the other parents/ guests or approaching other DC who have told him they want nothing to do with him ever again. Basically causing a scene and spoiling the wedding/s. I'm able not to react but I can't do anything to limit his behaviour.

I also don't want to look as though I'm trying to stick my oar in with wedding arrangements but having some input into the seating plans might help. Then again both my DC who are marrying are the grooms, so I could easily look to their fiancees like an interfering over controlling mother in law to be - but as I say, I don't think either of them have a clue how bad things were, just that my sons think their father is a bit of a dick.

Any advice about how I can handle this for the best? I've had a few snarky WhatsApps from my ex husband recently. The absolutely key thing is that I don't want any of my DC upset, or their event or their sibling's event messed up. And actually I do think that at the core I'm making this all about me, which is something I don't like.

Ponderingwindow thanks for that reponse. I do see why it's easier to invite rather than not and my aim isn't even to get the invite quashed. I'm just extremely worried about him messing the day up and definitely worried that he'll target one of my older and more volatile DC (DDs) who were more affected by what happened and who he can't get over wanting nothing to do with him. It's a bit of a minefield.

I will have plenty of other people at the wedding to talk to, for those who asked about support. But both my parents are dead and the reality is that the violence was not something I talked about. People in the village would have seen injuries but my siblings lived far away and didn't know. It was all quite a mess.

You've done amazingly well OP.

Don't let this man spoil your boys wedding. (you know he will )

Maybe you could speak up and
"give your boys permission" by saying NO he doesn't deserve to be invited.

Sometimes the "skeletons in the cupboard " need to come out for a short time.

You haven’t moved on. Your family can’t truly heal by brushing it under the carpet and hoping the trauma will just disappear. In order to truly heal, there has to be acknowledgment of what happened before you can close the door and move on in a healthy way. This unspoken and shame narrative is completely unhealthy. Not only is it unhealthy for you, it’s unhealthy for your children and it will have an effect on how they parent their own children if they have them. Perhaps your sons don’t want to bring it up because they don’t want to upset you when they would actually love to be able to talk about it.

itsmylife that's kind.

I think I'm very nervous about the hoo ha of withdrawing the invite. Really I wondered if there were any bright ideas about how to limit potential problems at the weddings. But I do recognise that this is a slightly cowardly way out. Then again I'm genuinely worried about the fall out of going public. A lot of things are things only I know about - not really sure I could bring myself to share all the details with my sons. I'm also terrified of opening Pandora's Box - the padlock has been secured for years.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, OP.

Now that you're children are grown, is there a need for your ex to have your phone number? I would change numbers if I were you.

In terms of the wedding, I am normally of the opinion that only the bride and groom should decide who attends, but in this case, I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to pull your sons aside and say you'd rather your ex doesn't attend. I appreciate we're all different, but if I were your future DIL, and I knew the reason behind the request (there doesn't have to be a lot of detail), I would support you. I would also rather know in advance if there was the potential for one of my guests to be violent/verbally abusive.

If you don't want to suggest they uninvite him, you could say you're worried your ex will get drunk and cause a scene and have they thought about how they will manage that if it happens (e.g. have him seated towards the back, by an exit).

I fully agree with this. But - big but - the DC seem to be ok (ish), some detail is known only to me but accounts for me being really upset if my mind strays back but those are also things I just couldn't bring myself to tell the DC. It's a sticking plaster approach but I do feel that the only person to benefit by talking would be me - and I'm not worried about me. I think the DC would be dragged back into a sordid mire not of their making. The wobble will pass. My concern is how to manage the weddings without any majors.

You don’t have to tell them all the gory details. They already know that he was violent and that’s enough. Just tell them your concerns about what might happen on the day and that you’re scared of him being there. Be honest about how seeing him will make you feel. Voice your very real concerns and ask that if they decide the will allow him to attend that you are sat as far away as possible so you don’t have to interact with him or be directly in his line of sight. Tell them him being there will have you in bits because you are afraid of him and what he might do. That’s all perfectly valid and understandable. Tell them you are concerned his presence might ruin the day or cause some kind of problem because that’s the kind of man he is. I’m sure you sons will understand and prob be happy that they can tell him he’s not welcome. There’s no fall out from not inviting him. He’s not in your lives. What difference will it make? None. He might not like it but that’s what happens when you’re abusive to your family, they don’t want you around. He’s not earned any right to be there at all. He’s caused all of you trauma and physical harm and he didn’t bring your sons up, YOU DID! Here is your time to stand up for yourself, for your children and for what is right. Be brave. You can do this. Your sons love you. They will care about what you have to say and how you feel.

OP you sound like such a strong person. Have you ever talked it through with anyone, eg a counsellor? This might be a good first step. You said above that this is partly your fault - it's not. You were a victim. But I think the fact you feel this way shows that you need some additional support.

I agree that addressing this with your children us probably necessary at some point. But they would not need to know all the details.

Has he already been invited?

I can’t understand why your sons think they ought to have him there. Perhaps they need you to let them know you’d rather he wasn’t. Doesn’t sound like it would affect them much.

I’ve been estranged from my father for 20 years. There was no violence, he was just useless and made no effort. I wouldn’t invite him to my wedding. In fact I sometimes wonder if I’ll go to his funeral. We need to let go of expectations around these things and do what’s right and good for us.

You don't need to tell your sons all the details, but I think you need to bring the DV back out from the shadows, and also that you're worried about how he will behave at the weddings.

The chances are high that he'll open Pandora's Box himself by making a scene or worse at the weddings - surely it makes sense for everyone, or at least your sons, to properly engage with that possibility beforehand, rather than stick their heads in the sand.

Further, is he the sort of man you think your D-I-Ls should be inviting into their homes if he turned up at their doors and your sons weren't in?

TipsyJoker much appreciated. You talk a lot of sense.

DownThePub I think it just keeps things easy. No explanations required.

I understand. Honestly, I do. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I have since gone on to work with many women who have been victims of domestic abuse. Please, do speak to your sons. And if you have a good relationship with your DILs, speak to them too. They’re women. I’m sure they will support you and understand completely. They don’t need to know details, just that he was an abusive and horrible man who you had to get away from. If it was my MIL, I would have her back and I wouldn’t want a man like that anywhere near my big day. 💐

The chances are high that he'll open Pandora's Box himself by making a scene or worse at the weddings - surely it makes sense for everyone, or at least your sons, to properly engage with that possibility beforehand, rather than stick their heads in the sand

Yes. One of my older DDs said exactly this yesterday. He's very cross with her for being adamant that he should keep out of her life.

TipsyJoker he now lives in the same town as the parents of one of the DILs. He has a public face.

Wouldn't your DDs back you up as well then? They presumably don't want to have to deal with him at the weddings either.

Don't do it to yourself

It will ultimately just make things harder for them, never mind for you. Where will they seat him? Will they have him in photos? It’s a minefield and although painful to address it now, it’ll be so much worse if they allow it to play out at their weddings. There’s a good chance their brides will be very upset not to have been told the truth and given the opportunity to veto his attendance.

It sounds like you’ve done a great job raising them, so I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to be worried and upset.

category12 I don't think anyone actively wants him but everyone sees why it would cause issues if he was sacked from the wedding list.

Far more of an issue if he comes and kicks off.

DownThePub thanks.

Lots to think about.

I have to say the strong advice is all one way.

Seriously, much appreciated.

Are your sons actually saying that they wish to invite him?

Not in terms Mischance. But he's clearly included because he's been mentioned.

Why does he have your phone number - do you need advice on how to block him at all?