Husband is done with UK

[Prendo]

Met husband 7 years ago. He's from another country and came before Brexit to study and get work opportunities he couldn't in his own country.

Over past few years we've done well, improved careers, bought house, had DC. He was always not a big fan of UK climate and aspects of culture but figured it would improve with time and getting more established/ settled here.

We bought our house post lockdown moving from overcrowded urban area to nicer quieter countryside town and thought this would be positive change after feeling caged in concrete during lockdown. However, it's been hard to make friends, no family nearby (although mine visit every 6 weeks from 4 hours away) and neither of us are super extrovert with making friends so not the fairy tale we imagined. I was optimistic we could still make the best of it and keep trying but I feel like his mind is made up and he's done.

Long story short, 2.5 years on from move and one year post DC, he's not happy and ultimately wants to leave UK for a sunnier EU country, ideally with us as doesn't want to break family up but accepts it could be without us. I feel like this has been brewing for a while, I do wish he'd been more honest earlier rather than post mortgage and DC. Maybe I was ignoring signs too but we did make the plans with the best of intentions.

He's an EU citizen, so is DC (but born in UK) so in theory I can join them as spouse if we were to move. However, I'm reluctant to up sticks and start from scratch and possibly end up in similar predicament elsewhere- I don't have the appetite for it at nearly 40 and grass not always greener (I haved lived in EU previously in 20s for a year). I thought we'd built something here but it just feels like it was for nothing. Plus once his settled status in the UK expires after two years, we can't return to the UK unless we fork out thousands for spouse visas so if my parents got ill a few years down line etc, I'd struggle to help.

I feel like I'm basically faced with being a single mother in UK or exiled from UK in an EU country far from family. He's not giving me that kind of ultimatum or anything yet - he seems to want to muddle on a bit longer and see how it goes. But I feel like the writing is on the wall and I'm not one to faff around, I like ro make a plan and know where I stand.

Sat here crying trying to think of solutions/ what to do. We do love each other, he's a good man/ dad but I have the self respect not to beg/ plead him to stay if he doesn't want to be in country anymore.

I hope you'll be kind in your replies, thank you

Oh OP what a tough situation. I think you are right not to uproot yourself to move with him. My colleague did this in a very similar situation, found their situation and relationship did not massively improve and ended up moving back with her children. Ironically he then moved back too.

Lots to think about, if you did move & didn’t like it then you may be stuck there (there is a thread about this going at the moment). If he came here for the opportunities the UK could give him (& has been successful) then why would he move and take away those opportunities for his children? Also if he would leave anyway without you & the kids then how strong is your relationship?

So where you live now you're feeling isolated?

Moving elsewhere wouldn't be worse then? Plus you'd have the prospect of many expat groups to join and socialise with. People living abroad tend to seek each other out as well as socialise with locals.

Nothing is forever. Could you give it a try? Rent out your U.K. home and try living in an EU country? And an adventure for you all. Your dc could end up learning another language fluently which is such a huge plus. Although I know knowing other languages isn't always highly valued by British people.

It's not really a big deal to move back to the UK in a couple of a few years if you hated it, especially if the DCs are still v young. And even if they're not so young, it's fine.

But, is your marriage good? Happy? I wouldn't move unless you were confident in your marriage.

I think he thinks that UK isn't what it was now post-Brexit and standard of living better in EU. Our relationship has been good but I think he's so depressed by living here and wouldn't want to force me to move - I just wish he'd been more honest earlier

I already speak language of country he wants to go and have already lived there so that's not issue. I suppose I just don't feel like adventures, I enjoy stability of what I have here, although that's clearly not going to last much longer...

I already speak language of where he wants to go. That wouldn't be an issue. I suppose I just don't feel like adventures, I wanted the stability we'd built here but don't think I'll have that much longer

Can you look at a plan to integrate yourself more into locality? Really make a big effort to find your family’s tribe and see if that does the trick? Is it the weather?

That's a tricky one OP. Have you told him that you don't want to move overseas? I'm guessing that you'd move to his country? Be careful, because once those DC of yours are resident in another country you may not be able to move back here with them if you hate it, you split up, etc. Be clear with what you want - where you live your life isn't his choice - it's yours. Only leave and go with him if you're sure it's what you want and you're clear about the choice you're making.

It's the weather yes but I've suggested so many things to find tribe etc, he already seems closed to it tbh. I don't have the energy to flog the dead horse

How long will it take until he can become UK citizen? If he is a UK citizen then it is easier to move back to the UK (I am aware that some EU countries do not allow a second citizenship).

I've been pretty clear I wanted to raise DC in UK and I thought buying house here cemented that. I was open to moving in twilight years perhaps or once DC finishes school

He could become one already but doesn't want to. If we moved I'd probably insist he did before we go

Would he agree to stay long enough to get citizenship? And in the meantime look for more social activities, meetup groups, other community activities, eg I think churches do a lot of community stuff, is there a sports and social club in your area?

If he has citizenship and you have another couple of years to work things out you will have more options to go abroad and return, together.
Does he get SAD?
I know the weather and winters here are pretty grey and horrible but there is still a lot that the country has to offer, even with how much it's gone downhill.

Can you say what country? Does he have family there, is he proposing you would live near his family?

@Prendo I've been in a very very similar situation - travelled a lot, worked in DHs home country for many years, moved back to the UK 10 years ago, he definitely wanted to move back to home country about 2 years ago. Same arguments - I speak the language, the weather is better, the cultural elements

There were 2 things that determined it for us. 1 was that while I speak the language, DCs don't very well and would struggle to integrate. They're also happy and settled in schools they love (early secondary age). DH wanted to do it anyway, saying kids are adaptable, but I wouldn't move them.
Second thing was everything to do with social life, integration with community or neighbours has always been 100% me. It took a long time after we moved to find a network, friends, groups, hobbies, get to know neighbours etc. And I'm not starting all over again somewhere where I don't know anyone. He had this idea that because I'm fairly sociable this is no problem for me, but he never saw the effort, thought and intentionality that went into it.

So it came down to - he left on his own to live on his own over there, and create a life for himself alone. Me and the kids weren't going. And I was going to be OK with this, I knew I could manage. He knew that if he said he was going, I would be upset, but it wouldn't change my mind.

He stayed

Honestly, I would be asking why he does not want to be a UK citizen? As long as he does not have to give up his EU citizenship? I am wondering if you are flogging a dead horse as you say. Sorry but my hubby would not leave our kids no matter the weather.

I thinknhe does get SAD yes, I'm dreading the winter tbh

A southern European country, where he has two siblings. We'd likely live near them

He has obviously tried to give you what you want in terms of bringing DC up in the UK, and fully committed to that life, but it’s making him unhappy.

I would see not wanting to apply for citizenship as a statement of intent. He doesn’t see a long-term future here.

what are your reasons for wanting to raise DC here?

I hear what you're saying, but in order to move to another country, both spouses have to want it. @Prendo has good arguments for why she doesn't want it (and relocating her children and then possibly being trapped in another country is also a consideration). Looking at it as an adventure doesn't cut it at this stage of her life.

My DH and I met in the US and then moved to two other countries together (neither of which is a home country for either of us). We are now settled and happy, but the main prerequisite for this final move was that both of us were enthusiastic about it.

@Prendo, think long and hard before you accept this move.

Thanks for sharing your story. Was he OK with staying? Not resentful?

I just don't want DC to pick up on things as they get older. If I have to make a clean break I'd rather do it when they're very small

Sorry if this is a dumb question, can he not get a British passport after all this time which would make a return easier?

Maybe look into light boxes, they are best used from October onwards. St Johns Wort or antidepressants, and forcing myself outside for exercise every day, helps me through the winter. Sounds like you need to buy yourselves time to find a way forward and see if you can both get more comfortable where you live

He could but doesn't want to swear allegiance to king! Silly reason really

I thought it was about getting comfortable etc but I honestly feel like his mind is made up after recent convos. He doesn't seem very open to ideas, seems to have decided this isn't for him