Husband is done with UK

[Prendo]

Met husband 7 years ago. He's from another country and came before Brexit to study and get work opportunities he couldn't in his own country.

Over past few years we've done well, improved careers, bought house, had DC. He was always not a big fan of UK climate and aspects of culture but figured it would improve with time and getting more established/ settled here.

We bought our house post lockdown moving from overcrowded urban area to nicer quieter countryside town and thought this would be positive change after feeling caged in concrete during lockdown. However, it's been hard to make friends, no family nearby (although mine visit every 6 weeks from 4 hours away) and neither of us are super extrovert with making friends so not the fairy tale we imagined. I was optimistic we could still make the best of it and keep trying but I feel like his mind is made up and he's done.

Long story short, 2.5 years on from move and one year post DC, he's not happy and ultimately wants to leave UK for a sunnier EU country, ideally with us as doesn't want to break family up but accepts it could be without us. I feel like this has been brewing for a while, I do wish he'd been more honest earlier rather than post mortgage and DC. Maybe I was ignoring signs too but we did make the plans with the best of intentions.

He's an EU citizen, so is DC (but born in UK) so in theory I can join them as spouse if we were to move. However, I'm reluctant to up sticks and start from scratch and possibly end up in similar predicament elsewhere- I don't have the appetite for it at nearly 40 and grass not always greener (I haved lived in EU previously in 20s for a year). I thought we'd built something here but it just feels like it was for nothing. Plus once his settled status in the UK expires after two years, we can't return to the UK unless we fork out thousands for spouse visas so if my parents got ill a few years down line etc, I'd struggle to help.

I feel like I'm basically faced with being a single mother in UK or exiled from UK in an EU country far from family. He's not giving me that kind of ultimatum or anything yet - he seems to want to muddle on a bit longer and see how it goes. But I feel like the writing is on the wall and I'm not one to faff around, I like ro make a plan and know where I stand.

Sat here crying trying to think of solutions/ what to do. We do love each other, he's a good man/ dad but I have the self respect not to beg/ plead him to stay if he doesn't want to be in country anymore.

I hope you'll be kind in your replies, thank you

I sympathise with you, it’s not nice feeling forced to make such a big change in your lifestyle. But if he isn’t happy in the U.K. then it doesn’t seem fair to say no to giving abroad a try. The weather here is miserable, even the summers seem to have gone out of the window, everything is expensive, the mood of people here is down at the moment, maybe it’s just my age and not being a bouyant 20 year old anymore but everyone seems anxious or pissed off at something. So I can see his point of view.

Personally I would take a deep breath and say yes to it for 1-2 years. Rent your house out and use that money to cover rent abroad so you can come back if you both decide you don’t like it.

We are doing this next summer, leaving the U.K. to try out the French mountains. We will miss friends and family, but it’s a short flight and the location we’ve chosen isn’t far from a major airport so easy for them to visit and for us to return. Lovely summers that are actually hot, days on the lakes, mountain biking, cold winters with snow and skiing, fresher tastier food, less junk food, a community that is child / family focused with friends that can be walked to and that are interested in playing out still rather than not being allowed to / sat inside all day on video games are some of the main reasons on why we are trying this move out.

We lived in Canada for a while when kids were tiny and although amazing it was too far from home. If I was you I would get on board with your partner so you can make sure the location you want to try out makes the most sense for all of you, rather than just ignoring the situation and ending up with him somewhere that you don’t like / isn’t practical. At the end of the day you are tied to him through your kids and if even if he moves alone they are going to want to visit him or may even end up choosing to live out there too when older. You want to control this a bit from the outset.

My worry is if you go, with DCs and want to come back you won’t be able to due to DCs.

@BlastedPimples where do you live now?

So he’ll leave his kids in another country to make himself happy? What a shit dad.

I’d not go, due to the high risks of breaking up then not being legally allowed to return to the UK with the DC and because I wouldn’t have much confidence in a man who would move to a different country to our DC alone, ending our relationship and opting out of most parenting.

Honestly, the point at Which he said he'd be doing it with or without me would be it for me. He is asking you to make massive changes and isn't fully 'in'.

What a difficult situation. Family member has had two relationships with foreign men. One Spanish and one German. It didn’t work out because neither wanted to live in the UK. Both found the UK infinitely inferior to their own countries and so they split up. Now with a British guy who wants to move to the Hebrides to escape the rat race! Life is shit in Britain, there is no getting away from it.
My mother moved here at 26 from another country and quite honestly has never been happy here.

I do think you need to be very careful about moving your kids there because of the problems involved in moving them back if he doesn’t allow it. I would rent out your house and rent over there for a year. Give it a year and really try and make it work. Throw everything at it. If you still yearn for the UK, come back with the kids. Lay out the terms to your partner and be very clear that you will be returning with the kids if you aren’t happy.

Many people would love to be in your position, I know I would! The UK is not a good place to live unless you’re coming from a third world country . I can see why your partner feels as he does and it isn’t going to change. The alternative is divorce.

I wouldn't emigrate with someone who would be going without me anyway.

It's a really hard situation, OP. I also married an EU citizen who came here to study. He very much wants to return to his sunnier EU country and has done for years. To be honest, I don't blame him - better weather, better food, better quality of life. Not to mention the fact the UK has been a bit of a shit show for the last few years.
However, I don't want to move simply because the UK is home to me. I'm nervous about living in a country where I don't speak the language well. I do a bit but I'm not fluent. I don't know what I'd do there. I think I'd feel isolated. I just want to stay here because it feels like home. I have lived abroad three times before and always feel homesick.
In our case, we decided to stay here until our kids finish school. I can sense DH is counting the days!! I'm hoping I can buy a few more years here after that, then maybe I'll be ready to move to his country. Who knows, I may even like living there.
Good luck, OP. I know what you're going through. We've had many years of stress and worry trying to find a solution. I hope it all works out for you.

“The UK is not a good place to live unless you’re coming from a third world country ”

What an utterly ridiculous comment.

Implore DH to become a British citizen, given that he has a child and always needs to access said child for various reasons for the rest of his life. Once that is secure, I would relish the chance of living two years in a southern European city with DH, child and some brothers.
Can you see it as an adventure?
Can you rent out your home so the option to return is there in a few of years.
Ideally I would live three years about until child is in upper secondary school. University in France is free - maybe there are educational options where you are living too..
Your DH has been in the UK for a long time, it is fair that you give living abroad proper consideration.

I'm in a similar situation in that I think DH is only here because of our home and children. We've been together 24 years.
If he really wants to leave then it will be without me - I would get the kids to visit him often but not to live there, I would be scared they would want to move too but the reality is, he won't leave us to pay our big mortgage, so I don't think he'll ever go - but might always want to which is also sad.

Also DH shares view of not wanting to swear allegiance to the king.

That's how I feel!

Having lived abroad for 20 months in Copenhagen but also had family who lived in Spain for many years it's a dilemma. There are many things I do like about the UK even when it's a bit of a shit show, I like the humour, sarcasm, higher end supermarkets, the fact we can take the piss out of ourselves, some lovely scenery in parts - however there's no denying day to day lifestyle in Copenhagen was in my opinion easier and nicer - I even preferred the fact if seemed more defined seasons and heating cost less but was way more powerful - in Spain I liked the fact you could plan more- a day out - yep pretty much if it started off nice it stayed nice, you could guarantee your barbecue for next day would happen , easy to regularly do simple things like sit on your patio with a book and a drink all year round.

I can understand some not from here not rating the UK that favourably- it depends I guess on what you value highly and where you have come from.

Thanks for your perspectives, I am more willing to move eventually now but I want DC to complete their education first. I'm also applying to be an EU citizen through marriage soon so will have more options there too

If I was a millionaire I'd do 6 months in each country and have best of both worlds but I'm not unfortunately

Is he eligible to apply for UK Citizenship? If he is, could he do that in advance of a move? It would make things easier if the move doesn't work out. The grass isn't always greener so maximizing all you options is best before contemplating a move.

I’d go to Spain in a heartbeat. In fact we’re in the visa process now. I am keen to get there so that my DC get a better education and a better quality of life than the UK can currently offer. Our education system has been struggling for a while, and the UK has masses of issues at the moment. Nowhere is perfect, but our political system is a mess, education is a mess, healthcare is on its knees, Farage is enjoying a resurgence and now has the support of the US and Musk likes to involve himself in British politics for fun…

I’d be pretty annoyed if DH wanted to stay because he felt like he was too old for adventure and we’d bought a house. We have a house too. We’ll keep it for a bit and decide what to do when we’ve given it a try. I’ve lived there before but a long time ago, and single, so it’s not comparable really. Likewise for coming home to care for ageing parents - what about the rest of your family? There’s no way you can plan to provide that until it’s needed, you’ll have to assess how it impacts your life as it looks when they need it.

You may have savings but you’ve got no village; you’re not leaving a very close family, or lots of friends. You’re not accounting for the better attitude to children, or longer; warmer evenings at parks for your kids, or the benefits of them being fluent in two languages, or how uni and masters etc tend to work…

Pensions in Spain aren’t incomparable to here and salaries depend a lot on your jobs.

Tough!

He shouldn’t have got married, bought a house and had kids here then!

And by the way you make it sound like the OP has basically put him out by expecting him to “give her what she wants”. I would gee that if he’d told her all of this before and then she’d knowingly gone ahead.
But it’s exactly the other way around!!

If he would rather leave his family than struggle through the weather, then I’d let him make that choice.

He's decided that he wants to leave, but hasn't fully discussed it with you. More I'm doing this....you shall follow?
What do you want to do, because he's not taken you and your child into consideration.

No, but that's something you could maybe compromise on or work towards later. So once the DC have left school perhaps you could spend part of the year there and part here? I'm married to someone from another country, we're all dual citizens, and a lot of jobs now are completely flexible. DH and I used to work in an industry that was five days a week in the office, but since the pandemic he is able to WFH two days per week and WFH/remotely during school holidays.

As for me, I'm moving into a new industry that is completely flexible, no fixed days in the office (although 2-3 days per week in one or other office are expected most of the time). I will also have the option to work remotely, making longer periods of travel or time overseas possible. This opens up a whole new world of possibility and moving between our two countries more freely, while still keeping a residence/life in the UK.

I know a Spanish lady who lives in the UK. She bought a small house out there and spends most summers in Spain. Would that be possible for you?

I speak European languages and I wish I'd moved back to the country I feel most at home in when DCs were small. The UK is a mess- nothing works, the far right are creeping ever closer, taxes high with nothing to show for it. The ridiculous prices of houses mean with the proceeds of a modest semi, you could buy something amazing abroad. As soon as my DCs have left home, I'm out of here. But I understand how the children influence your decision- they definitely have mine.

Well far right is still to see as Labour is in. It is up to how they do and if they do not destroy the little left that is working here.
Prices abroad are becoming as expensive and at least in cities like Madrid and Barcelona it is unbelievable how high they are. I wish I had left right before or right after Brexit.

Yeah I know people coming from third world countries and even them do not like it here. 😂