Husband is done with UK

[Prendo]

Met husband 7 years ago. He's from another country and came before Brexit to study and get work opportunities he couldn't in his own country.

Over past few years we've done well, improved careers, bought house, had DC. He was always not a big fan of UK climate and aspects of culture but figured it would improve with time and getting more established/ settled here.

We bought our house post lockdown moving from overcrowded urban area to nicer quieter countryside town and thought this would be positive change after feeling caged in concrete during lockdown. However, it's been hard to make friends, no family nearby (although mine visit every 6 weeks from 4 hours away) and neither of us are super extrovert with making friends so not the fairy tale we imagined. I was optimistic we could still make the best of it and keep trying but I feel like his mind is made up and he's done.

Long story short, 2.5 years on from move and one year post DC, he's not happy and ultimately wants to leave UK for a sunnier EU country, ideally with us as doesn't want to break family up but accepts it could be without us. I feel like this has been brewing for a while, I do wish he'd been more honest earlier rather than post mortgage and DC. Maybe I was ignoring signs too but we did make the plans with the best of intentions.

He's an EU citizen, so is DC (but born in UK) so in theory I can join them as spouse if we were to move. However, I'm reluctant to up sticks and start from scratch and possibly end up in similar predicament elsewhere- I don't have the appetite for it at nearly 40 and grass not always greener (I haved lived in EU previously in 20s for a year). I thought we'd built something here but it just feels like it was for nothing. Plus once his settled status in the UK expires after two years, we can't return to the UK unless we fork out thousands for spouse visas so if my parents got ill a few years down line etc, I'd struggle to help.

I feel like I'm basically faced with being a single mother in UK or exiled from UK in an EU country far from family. He's not giving me that kind of ultimatum or anything yet - he seems to want to muddle on a bit longer and see how it goes. But I feel like the writing is on the wall and I'm not one to faff around, I like ro make a plan and know where I stand.

Sat here crying trying to think of solutions/ what to do. We do love each other, he's a good man/ dad but I have the self respect not to beg/ plead him to stay if he doesn't want to be in country anymore.

I hope you'll be kind in your replies, thank you

Me too

Do NOT leave UK with him, once you take your kids to his or any EU country then if your relationship fails the kids will legally have to stay there and your rights to repatriate with them are gone.

Whatever troubles he experiences in the Uk - do not under any circumstances put you and your children second to him by leaving your home country. Very dangerous thing to do for Mothers. The law will stop from leaving any dangerous or abusive situations you find yourself in if you want to leave with your children.

And I'd father rather live here than the U.K. my home country which is going down the tubes big time.

What's your home country?

If you are not sure about it don't go because you could be trapped. Once you move abroad with your children you won't be able to take your children and leave without his permission.

@Prendo the U.K. is my home country. Or country of origin. I now live in an EU country. Not southern though. I couldn't say what it's like to live in a southern EU country.

It costs over £1600 to get British citizenship, not everyone can afford that

From an objective viewpoint this is very simple. Tell him you will go with him if he gets his citizenship first. You need that for a way back in case of your parents & for financial sake. Saying he doesn’t want to swear allegiance is not a reason. He is being unreasonable and unfair to you. If he loves you he will do this. If he won’t then he apparently wants to go alone.

Really? I came in here to say to the OP that I would be so excited to be in her position as I am done with the UK. Sadly I can't just up sticks as have no links to other countries but it sounds fab

I can’t believe he is thinking of leaving you and the children over the weather? Are there other issues?

@Christl78 I can't agree with you on that- we did 2020 to 2022 living in Copenhagen but also know Sweden and Germany and Netherlands well through work and have spent fair bits of time in all those-whilst there are things that I missed about UK and things that annoyed me elsewhere ( beauracracy is high but hence why they aren't as broken as Uk in many aspects) I certainly wouldn't say the UK has way more to offer for everyone- it really depends what you want in life- some people for instance don't give much of a shit about family ( other than their partner and kids) and friends- so that isn't a big deal- it's an individual thing.

£1.6k to get UK citizenship? Bloody hell

I am in your partner’s situation and it sucks - the worst aspect of it all is that someone is always losing. You can weigh things up as a unit, and on balance it might be better in one location, but the other person will be sacrificing time with family, lifestyle preferences, career opportunities, etc. in a truly fair relationship you would trade off and spend equal time in both countries, but that is rarely how it works

i don’t know what the right answer is, but please don’t dismiss or minimise the sacrifice of your partner. If you aren’t willing to resettle permanently in a foreign country how can you resent your partner’s objection to staying in the uk?

It is more than that all in - I had multiple rounds to achieve ‘leave to remain’ status, each costing multiple ££££ before I was eligibile to apply for citizenship.

I just wish he'd been more honest earlier

I expect he was optimistic at the time and hoping for the best - i doubt he wasn't being honest.

There was a similar thread earlier today where the family moved to Norway, poster from the UK, husband from Romania. In this case it was the poster who is unsettled in Norway and wants to return home but the husband is very happy and wants to stay.

What a difficult position. As someone who moved to the UK I identify with your husband a lot. My quality of life here is worse in every way that I can think of and while that’s not purely down to the weather, the weather plays a definite part.

I have stayed for my family but now even the children ask why we are living here rather than my home country. They don’t like the UK either and it’s difficult to justify living here anymore.

He seems the kind of guy that isn't going to be happy anywhere. If you can't make friends in England you ain't going to make them in other Northern European countries ( different in southern Europe). I would let him go and once he's worked that out he will be back.

It is an individual thing for sure. All these countries you mentioned are good - I live in one of them. There not a doubt there are benefits but to me the UK has more to offer. Depends what one is looking for. Quiet life, job security but not much growth, ok schools, lower crime, cost of life similar to UK, health services maybe somewhat better, not being accepted unless you are white blondish N.European, beraucracy, years behind in many things. The grass is not always greener.

Another one here who lived in the UK for many years and tried to make it work but gave up. I left 2 years ago for for my native EU country and I am so glad I did. I thought it had gone downhill a lot back then but I understand it has practically nosedived since.

i think that when you decide to have kids with somebody from a different country you can’t assume that they will always want to live in yours, even if it’s where you met. If you were adamant you would never leave the UK you should have met someone who don’t have ties abroad. Life is long and homesickness hits hard when it hits.

lol. Better health service, lower crime rates are kind of huge indicators as to a better quality of life.

Did you not read about the race riots in the U.K.? Racism is also very prominent in the U.K. police.

The grass is brown in the U.K. right now.

Honestly? The fact that he is willing to ditch his own children would make me feel this relationship is over

Really good question!!

OP, I feel for you, I do. However I completely understand where he is coming from too.
I am a uk citizen born and bred and after the last couple years I would probably move and go elsewhere too. But it’s the fear of the unknown, lack of support, no family, starting over.
I even feel like I could give my kids a better life anywhere but the UK (I say that lightly, not literally anywhere - many countries better than Uk though!)

could you encourage him to get a job where he has to travel? That way he’s out of the country a fair bit so gets a bit of everything?

I really do feel for you, it’s a tough choice to make especially if you’re certain moving isn’t for you.. I’m so sorry. I think you’ll have to agree a timeline to make a decision and compromise both sides, and really have some deep long conversations about it.

The "race riots" were massively overblown by media. I happened to go through my local town (not London) during one and saw the "riot" which was no more than 50 blokes standing around in our main square. The way it was reported, you would have thought there were thousands of people. The riots 10 or so years ago in protests at the death of Mark Duggan (a Black man) were way bigger and way more looting locally.

Perhaps some posters could take their argument over which country is better to their own thread, show a bit more regard for an OP in a really difficult situation.

It’s a really difficult one OP, and I absolutely empathise as my DH is also from another (sunnier!) country, these kind of concerns hang over us all. I think to consider moving, you really have to be 100% sure that the issue is the location, not your marriage. And if he is saying he’s willing to leave on his own, does that show his depth of feeling about where to live or his lack of depth of feeling about your marriage? Because the worst outcome here is that you move, split up anyway at whatever point down the line, then he refuses to let you move home with the children and you’re stuck either there with them or in the UK without them.

If he’s not willing to apply for a UK passport, his mind is made up that if he leaves he’s never coming back.

I agree that it would be worth trying to make arrangements to spend more time there, especially in winter. Does he have a job that he could do remotely or flexibly? If not could you discuss how he could get a job like that so that he could spend winters there? It’s a big thing, but less big than all moving country.

He came to the UK, set up home and had a child with a British woman. I think it's fine to talk about the options but he really shouldn't be intimating that he's leaving alone if you won't unstick and go with him too. It's too much of an ask. If your child isn't at school yet, you may feel more part of the community once they are as you get to know parents and they join clubs etc. Unless he can show you'll all benefit from a move and you are enthusiastic for a move ,then don't go .