DH is becoming a grumpy old man who tells us all off all the time...what to do?

[placebytheriver]

Namechanged.

Marriage hasn't been in the best of places for a while. I have been putting a lot of this down to the usual midlife stresses - teenagers, elderly parents, financial strain, career stuff, blah blah. DH and I have talked about this and acknowledged that it's not great - we have been trying to make things work, appreciate each other etc...

That's the intention, anyway. Trouble is, DH has SUCH a short fuse - it feels like all good intentions to try to improve things between us go out the window over the slightest thing.

We have four teenagers and the slightest 'mistake' any of them make leads him to lose his temper. Of course kids can be annoying, but they are generally really lovely, well-behaved young people. What's just as bad is that he will berate me for every little thing too - how I load the dishwasher blah blah - just petty, boring stuff. I try to avoid nitpicking over dull domestic shit, but if I retaliate, I am 'so critical' - which is super f-ing rich given he's the one that huffs around the house telling everyone off the whole time.

He recently went away for work and the whole house felt calmer and more relaxed. Since he's back I can literally feel my blood pressure going up.

Has anyone experienced similar and what improved things? At this rate, I am not sure I want to spend the second half of my life with him...

There is a huge amount of entitlement behind his behaviour.
He feels that he has the right to feel whatever he feels, say what he feels, say what he thinks, and generally behave how he wants to. He does not think you have the right to challenge or criticise his words or behaviour.

Despite what he says, he doesn't think he should have to change.

Years ago, when he was generally happy, the entitlement didn't become apparent because no-one was asking him to modify his behaviour.
Now it is an issue.

Unless this fundamental attitude shifts, and he accepts that he actually needs to put some effort into changing his behaviour, the marriage is doomed.

Victims of domestic abuse are told to log every incident. Everyone in the household is at the whim of this man's temper.

Just watched another post declaring no man should be shouting at a child for a one off incident, kick him out etc but you're supporting this one for constantly berating his children and wife? Chilling.

Looking at it from the other side - 3 years ago when I was 17 and my sis was 13, we started keeping a "loo roll" listing as we called it (we kept it in our bathroom) documenting our parents' attacks (verbal!) on us.
It worked well cos we felt good being able to keep a record to quote to them and it lightened the mood because USUALLY they were amused that we'd done that.

Agree, it's an awful idea.

If he denies being obnoxious, maybe you can set up some video cameras around the house, ideally with his agreement, and the footage won't lie. I know a few people who have done this for their elderly parents (for different reasons obviously). If he really didn't know how he behaved, it would be a wakeup call. If he does have some inkling, knowing he is being recorded might check his behaviour.

You could add a column for 'resolved' 'unresolved' ' action taken'.
If things annoy him so much, he can suggest solutions which might calm his temper.

Yes I’ve been in a similar situation and things are in a much better place now.

Im afraid the only thing which actually worked was telling him I was leaving. I’d tried all sorts before and his behaviour would improve but then slide again. One day I realised he would never change permanently so I said that was it. He was very shocked and pleaded for one more chance saying he realised he needed help and would book therapy which I agreed to and therapy really has changed him.
Like your dh his issues were rooted in his relationship with his parents going back to his childhood. He's since been able to share with me stuff he never has before, and i understand where his anger comes from and more importantly so does he.

So I think the only way your H will change is if you threaten separation. Hopefully he will go and get help, if he doesn’t, you’ll have to separate because you can’t live with someone who is behaving so awfully, it isn’t fair on you or your DC.

My H has tendencies like this and the only thing that worked for me was (a) calling him out on it every single time - tedious, exhausting, but effective (eventually) and (b) helping him manage his own stress/energy levels. No, I shouldn't have to because he's a grown up but I did it.

Teenage years seem to be a bit of a problem with some men. They are used to looking after small kids and they struggle to adjust to young people with their own agency, opinions etc.

Quite a few posters have misread this post. The log book is to track how many complaints HE makes about the rest of the family, not to log complaints about him. @StormingNorman had been shocked by the original post but then said it would be useful to track if he was doing this at certain times of the day etc, which shows that they agree this has benefits so had misread the original post.

I just can't understand why there are so many arcane posts and very few suggesting an adult conversation.

My dad was like this - turns out he was on some prostate medication that didn't work for him. He needs to rule out physical causes.

In your situation I would be focusing my attention on anyone except him because he's an adult and is allowing his negativity to leak into his family. He is choosing to be like this and not seek any support.

Your children need space from the toxic, walking on egg shells life that is there home life. You and your DH are currently risking their health with anything as minor as tummy aches knowing they've got to be home with him to serious anxiety and mental health issues.

If you and he want to live like this, great. But your children need an outlet that isn't somewhere they need to be polite back. Somewhere safe would be half the week at an aunts or grandparents.

His grumpiness isn't changing. You are confronting him and then going round in circles. If he has an opportunity to work away more, encourage him to do that and when he expresses disappointment in you encouraging him just ignore him. You're feeding into his poor me attitude.

Your time is precious too. Invite people round, you may see him putting an act on when people are there. Just focus on enjoying your life regardless of him.

It might not cure him but it's not about him anymore. It's about everyone else.

Have a read if this thread. It all sounds very familiar and predictable. I'd say he's had his head turned.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5169069-the-script-what-would-you-add

Honestly.

What value do you think this will bring?

He's not going to take kindly to the idea of the cameras. He's not going to be shown the footage and go 'you know, you were right, I was behaving entirely unreasonably, and now that I've seen the evidence, I'll do better'.

If you've got to the stage of filming your partner to prove that they're a dick to be around the marriage is dead and buried already, all that's left is the practicalities.

Any therapist will encourage a DV victim in a marriage to keep a diary of incidents.

In fact, even victims of stalking, harassment, abuse are encouraged to log it in a diary.

How is this any different?

I think people are reacting to the term 'log book' and it's clouding all rational judgement.

My ex became more and more bad tempered and felt more and more hard done by as we hit our 50s and I think it was mainly down to the fact that he didn’t feel he was getting enough sex. The issue was resolved by divorce and now he gets tons of sex with his sexy younger gf and is as happy as Larry!

No dv counsellor would encourage a person and her kids to keep a log book about their dhs anger issues out in a conspicuous place where the dh can see it.

I don’t agree with it being used either way round. It wasn’t me who mentioned times of day. It’s very divisive and quite cruel to track someone’s behaviour in this way.

Oh goodness, @placebytheriver some older men can be really sour tempered.

Having goes at women in the street, tutting, pushing, one even told a woman with a disability that she was ''being ridiculous'' with a scowl and a petulant lip.

I do wonder if these are men lacking sex- or testosterone.

No women {or even men} surely would want to engage with such bad tempered specimens.

A grumpy 'nag bag' must be so tiresome to live with.

It’s very divisive and quite cruel to track someone’s behaviour in this way.

You can't be serious!! It's 'cruel' and 'divisive' for a VICTIM to keep a diary of when she is abused or attacked? Wtf is wrong with you?!??

That isn't what the original post said though.

Yes, keep a private diary of issues. No, keep a book in a conspicuous place and encourage your kids to write in it when they are upset. That is a terrible idea if your dh has anger issues.

@StormingNorman you've got entirely the wrong end of the stick about this log book thing.

It has NOT been suggested that the OP and her DC keep a log book of THEIR complaints ABOUT her DH.

It is being suggested that they write down in the book all the complaints HE is making about THEM, in an attempt to get him to see in black and white exactly how much negativity he is heaping on them.

That is NOT abusive of him, it's just an attempt to get him to see what he is doing and maybe it will shock him when he is forced to see the reality.

Or not. I think it's more likely he feels entitled to use his family as mental punching bags and won't care. In which case he needs to live elsewhere.

my therapist told me to do something similar, but it was for me, to help me see how abusive my ExH was being.

Every horrible/nasty/shouty/aggressive thing he did was written on a post it, and put in a jar, the same for every nice thing he did... it allowed me to see, in real time, how nice/mean he was.

I did it for a month, i needed a new horrible jar, there was barely anything in the nice one.

Men like that can't be fixed. He did anger management, we did councilling, and he was STILL a horrible, abusive, aggressive asshole. He's and Ex Husband for a very good reason. My life is much better without him, and my kids are much more at peace.

This is my DH. Can’t say anything to him.
But he can berate me & DS all day long…

oakleaffy, yes it’s a grumpy old man thing as well.
My dad is always losing it with Mum, over nothing!