DH is becoming a grumpy old man who tells us all off all the time...what to do?

[placebytheriver]

Namechanged.

Marriage hasn't been in the best of places for a while. I have been putting a lot of this down to the usual midlife stresses - teenagers, elderly parents, financial strain, career stuff, blah blah. DH and I have talked about this and acknowledged that it's not great - we have been trying to make things work, appreciate each other etc...

That's the intention, anyway. Trouble is, DH has SUCH a short fuse - it feels like all good intentions to try to improve things between us go out the window over the slightest thing.

We have four teenagers and the slightest 'mistake' any of them make leads him to lose his temper. Of course kids can be annoying, but they are generally really lovely, well-behaved young people. What's just as bad is that he will berate me for every little thing too - how I load the dishwasher blah blah - just petty, boring stuff. I try to avoid nitpicking over dull domestic shit, but if I retaliate, I am 'so critical' - which is super f-ing rich given he's the one that huffs around the house telling everyone off the whole time.

He recently went away for work and the whole house felt calmer and more relaxed. Since he's back I can literally feel my blood pressure going up.

Has anyone experienced similar and what improved things? At this rate, I am not sure I want to spend the second half of my life with him...

My dh is like this but I put it down to age. He's turning into his dad.

Simplest thing is to talk to him when he's not moody/distracted.

Say, hey darling, you seem more irritable than usual. It's not like you. Maybe you should go to GP for an MOT and chat?

Take it from there. If he's not ill then you need him to get therapy. If he won't do GP or therapy then you either live with his behaviour or separate.

My sil was always like this. My dd left after 15 years or her saying 'go to therapy or we won't last' and him saying no

Because the op HAS tried this - several times. So he improves slightly then returns to his usual. He has refused suggestions of counselling etc. Their ‘adult conversations’ are not working.

I agree. Honestly, this is just going to make everything worse.

I didn't have your exact problem, which sounds awful OP, but I did find in his mid-50s my husband became very grumpy and very negative. I didn't disagree with all of his complaints about modern life, but such loud constant complaining and negativity were very hard and draining to live with. Worst of all were Sunday mornings, when he opened the papers.

In the end I put my foot down very firmly and clearly. I told him he had 20 minutes every Sunday morning to get it all off his chest, and that would be fair enough and I would listen, but I was not prepared to tolerate constant moaning, complaining and high drama all weekend (he was away working all week). It was taking its toll on me as well as our relationship.

To my surprise it actually worked, once he'd had time to think about it.

Now my husband is usually a pretty reasonable man, and yours may not be by the sound of it, but here's just a thought. Is it worth saying that constant complaints, shouting and negativity will not be tolerated, but once a week you will all have a 30 minute meeting ( the first one will probably be longer...) when genuine reasonable complaints, (and compliments), can be aired and calmly discussed by all of you.

You will go round the table and everyone will have their chance to speak, and no one will be allowed to dominate. For this reason, everyone's initial outline of their complaints and thoughts will be limited to a maximum of three minutes, You can flesh out the details yourself, but he might just at least feel that once a week he will be listened to (and he must be), and also be forced to prioritise his complaints.

I have no idea if this will work, but at least then you've given things your best shot, so it's worth a try.

For what it's worth I think you've got a fight on your hands, but I wish you well.

Edited for typo.

Yes, something similar: My sister's husband was like this - at times being a miserable, shouty bastard every day. A few years later he is much, much better behaved. I think he realized he was out of order and pulled himself together.

Now, when he is a miserable sod, it's usually because he is in a lot of pain with his back, it turns out.
I can't help with how or why he stopped behaving so badly, but I can give you an example of someone who stopped doing it.

@placebytheriver
It could be low testosterone where levels fall as men age, hence grumpy old man syndrome.
I have dealt with a grumpy man with low T. Very snappy out of nowhere and can be mean too.

Because the OP has already had or attempted to have many conversations with her husband about his behaviour.

OMG, I'm so sorry. What would happen if you refused to do anything for him and told him no meals, no nothing until he stops behaving like this? And you stick to it.

Yes, this is true. Actually the Bancroft book is excellent, it’s a very worthwhile read. But yeah, the impacts of this emotional abuse are deep and very long-lasting. I’m not diagnosed but have symptoms of CPTSD after mine. OP, I hope you find a solution.

The longer I live the more I think that men shouldn't be living with women and children. I think back in primitive times they'd have been out hunting and fighting with neighbours and then killed early before they could start this nonsense. Their wives could live out their time amongst other females and protected by sons and other male relatives, when they were around. It's bloody ridiculous that we have to put up with these specimens.

An angry person is an absolute pain in the neck to live with. I wouldn’t choose to be around someone like that - and at times I’ve been that person

plus he’s modelling horrible behaviour for your children.

you need to have a word.
pick your moment well & best wishes xx

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Make sure you think about your own boundaries and how you accept to be treated

This kind of bad behaviour can sneak into a relationship easilly but it it's important to be able to step back for a moment and look at the situation dispassionately and assess if you actually even want to live like this

"How do you think it feels to be on the receiving end when you lose your temper like that? How do you think it feels for a teenaged girl to be spoken to like that by her own dad? What are you hoping to achieve by treating us like this? Are you happy that we are all nervous and wary around you? Is this really the husband and father you want to be?"

Be very calm. Have a couple of examples and describe them factually, no hyperbole. Tell him the deal is anger management or get lost. I had a DH like this (his own father had been the same) and he turned it around thank goodness.

How do you think it feels to be on the receiving end when you lose your temper like that? How do you think it feels for a teenaged girl to be spoken to like that by her own dad? What are you hoping to achieve by treating us like this? Are you happy that we are all nervous and wary around you? Is this really the husband and father you want to be?

@hughs I like these questions! @placebytheriver I'm reading The Book of Boudaries, by Meliss Brown and there are some good boindary-setting tips and most importantly scripts that may be helpful.
I think the key is in boundaries.

@StormingNorman I think you missed the point though. The suggestion wasn't that the wife logs complaints about her husband but that each gripe is written by the complainant which could potentially make them see how foolish or petty they are and also the volume. Got a complaint? Don't moan at me but log it in the book and we can look at them together later sort of idea.

I don’t think either of us know for sure what the poster intended the log for as we interpreted it differently. You don’t know your interpretation was right and mine was wrong.

@Cantbesure exactly! So he's invited to keep a log of all family misdemeanours / crimes and when he starts on any member of the family they can tell him to write it up on the family rap sheet.