DH is becoming a grumpy old man who tells us all off all the time...what to do?

[placebytheriver]

Namechanged.

Marriage hasn't been in the best of places for a while. I have been putting a lot of this down to the usual midlife stresses - teenagers, elderly parents, financial strain, career stuff, blah blah. DH and I have talked about this and acknowledged that it's not great - we have been trying to make things work, appreciate each other etc...

That's the intention, anyway. Trouble is, DH has SUCH a short fuse - it feels like all good intentions to try to improve things between us go out the window over the slightest thing.

We have four teenagers and the slightest 'mistake' any of them make leads him to lose his temper. Of course kids can be annoying, but they are generally really lovely, well-behaved young people. What's just as bad is that he will berate me for every little thing too - how I load the dishwasher blah blah - just petty, boring stuff. I try to avoid nitpicking over dull domestic shit, but if I retaliate, I am 'so critical' - which is super f-ing rich given he's the one that huffs around the house telling everyone off the whole time.

He recently went away for work and the whole house felt calmer and more relaxed. Since he's back I can literally feel my blood pressure going up.

Has anyone experienced similar and what improved things? At this rate, I am not sure I want to spend the second half of my life with him...

You should stand up to him, whatever he dishes out serve it straight back to him.

This. And tell him just what you said here: you would rather he did less and was just a nicer person to be around.

Increasingly I feel like he just causes me stress, rather than actually gives me any kind of true emotional support.

If he's a good person, he should be horrified and make a real effort to change.

I don't understand why couples, and so so many of them, live like this? Don't you want your lives and your kids to be happy?
You've essentially said my life is miserable and I'm happier when he's not here.
Do that then. Permanently. (I mean divorce, not murder btw).
I don't get why you wouldn't.
We get one life.

Chats now with my group of divorced and married 50yo friends go along these lines
Divorced person 'I did this - insert wonderful happy thing'
Married person 'I'm miserable today because husband did this'
Divorced person 'leave him then'
Married person 'why would I do that?'

And the same the next week. Batshit.

Just saw that you told him you were happier without him in the house. Doesn't sound like he was very receptive to hearing things like that? Sounds like he is not good at accepting responsibility for his actions?

And a lot of men get grumpier as they get older. It may be a perfect storm here. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

It might be time for an ultimatum. Say you're sick of treading on egg shells and you want this half of your life to be happy and relaxed.

Only he can change his behaviour. Doesn't sound as if he wants to. 💐

I had this with my ex. Moaning all the time, telling my DD off all the time. There was no proper parenting (I.e, say please, thank you etc) it was all bollockings about toys/ketchup spilt.

I got bollocked constantly- one time he whacked my DD’s head on the car door which was apparently my fault because the (mine, paid by me) car was too small. Another time after a plumber had been he said “did you clean the drainer afterwards” & I said yes & he said “doesn’t look like it” and spent ages questioning me. If I ever questioned anything, I was being ‘negative’. In the end, I’d had enough & I didn’t want my DD growing up in this environment.

Sorry, not very helpful but i understand.

Sorry, @placebytheriver but you don’t seem to want to accept that actually he’s being abusive. Constantly criticising you and the dc, even if depressed, it’s no excuse. Do you love him or has he killed that? Sounds like he’s trying really hard to do so. I urge you to consider what he’s doing to you and your dc. Being depressed doesn’t mean you get to act like an aggressive angry wanker. Calling him a grumpy old man is minimising his abuse, which is what it is. You need to decide if (particularly as he would refuse therapy) you want to continue with the relationship or has it run its course? Seriously, is it damaging the kids? How can it not be?

I think people are telling you to leave because constant low level criticism is a form of abuse, one that is quite sneaky as it creeps up on you as its often in the guise of 'I'm only trying to help/ show you the right way', and if you pish back you're 'ungrateful' and 'over sensitive'. He is also showing gaslighting behaviour (shouting that he is noy shouting). As you know it leads to anxiety and feeling like you're walking on eggshells and the same will happen to your children who will think that the husbands role is to correct the wife and the wife's role ia to appease their husband, in their subconscious view of relationships. It can also lead to a loss of self esteem and confidence in their own decision making ability etc.

You've tried to talk to him about it a few times snd nothing has changed. He has refused counselling. You dont want to issue an ultimatum. In all honesty unfortunately there isn't much else you can do. You can't force him to change.

You could try keeping a record of his complaints, not to show him as I think he would just go mad that you're recording him. More to show yourself that you're not being unreasonable in not accepting it as normal. And to discuss with a counsellor. Every time he says something critical I'd have a stock phrase like 'that's your opinion, please respect that I have a different way of doing things and when you talk to me like that it feels like needless criticism and upsets me. So please don't'. Or 'your way isn't the only right way, so please keep your criticism to yourself'. Or put it back to him 'I'm an adult, are you really telling me I've got to stack the dishwasher in a certain way?' Or simply 'I've told you to stop the criticism about petty things so I'm no longer responding to these types of conversations' etc and just carry on like he hasn't spoken.

I'd also have a conversation with him along the lines of whatever you're both doing isn't working, he really doesn't seem happy and suggest a temporary separation so you can both have a bit of space from the arguments and suggest you do counselling separately and together otherwise nothing will change. If he doesn't want to put in the effort to have a few difficult conversations to save a 20 year marriage then that probably tells you everything you need to know. If it's difficult to talk to him because his initial reaction is to fight back then maybe take the kids out for the weekend and write him a letter and include specific examples of his behaviour that really upset you. Point out that you acknowledge this must be difficult to hear and isn't a list of criticisms, it's pointing out one major thing that will kill your relationship.

Ultimately he doesn't want to change so the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. There isn't a magic bullet that you can use to stop him being grumpy.

If you want to stay together then go to couples counselling because whatever communication tactics you are both using it's not fixing anything.

How are your finances? do you have a big mortgage, loans, credit card debts. You have four teenagers: Are any of them going to university? Do you both have secure jobs?

Money worries can make men very stressed, which manifests itself in a short fuse and general misery.

Tell him: look, this is the person you've become, a grumpy old man. Is that really who you are and who you want to be?

I am in the same boat. It is even worse when I point this out to him - he just says ‘shall i just ignore it all the time?’ And gets even more cranky.

He will walk around the house just mumbling about all the wrong things he sees. It is like he is just searching for things. “Who has done this/that” all the time, and for me the worst is that this will be the first thing he will say to us in the morning - no ‘hello’.

It really creates a feeling of negativity. It doesn’t teach anyone how to be better at all.

We went to couples counselling and this came up, and I said I feel like I have been criticised for 17 years constantly. He noted this, but it never changed. It is a part of his personality.

I had one of these. It came to a head one weekend when me and the dcs (adult/late teen) basically ganged up on him and gave it to him straight. There was a lot of shouting and we ended up bullying him. I threatened divorce and he knew I meant it. We treated him like a dog that day, but it worked and he changed. I also changed and stuck up for myself and pounced on him every time he so much as stepped out of line. He got his shit together and he's actually been fine since. This happened years ago, so it wasn't temporary.

I'd never condone bullying or gang behavior, but we all turned feral that day and he needed to see just how badly he'd been affecting us. Of course you couldn't do this with someone who's violent, but I knew he wasn't and it was my last ditch attempt at salvaging things. The kids were great, to their credit, really stuck up for themselves. They were as pissed off as I was at his ridiculous behaviour.

My DH is exactly the same..exactly.
Same berating me, constantly nagging me about absolutely everything, moaning nonstop, nothing is good enough, never happy and the worse thing is I’m changing apparently myself into him!
He is pesking me constantly about the silliest boring staff like the way I leave a spoon on a drying board.
Also he gets treated like a king, it was the the unwritten deal when our child was born that I would stay home as SAHM and I would do everything around the house like a housework, cooking, looking after our child and he would just work.
Now he got used a such red carpet treatment that he won’t even gets a drink to himself, it has to be me to get it for him.
The other night he woken me up in the middle of night, telling me he has headache and I need to go get him water and pills.
Or on another day he was standing next to the oven which was on ( me cooking) and he said that the dinner seems done, I was in the hall on the way upstairs so I said could you turn the oven off?
He said Nope you do it, it’s your job and walked off to sit down.

He works and earns good money however we are still renting as not enough to reach mortgage.
My mum who lives abroad and I see her once per year told me that I used to be a such happy person, always laughing, happy all year around, now she says she can not recognise me. I’m just like him, unhappy, sad, moaning, grumpy..
He also naggs our child who is teen and and she hates it.
He was out of the house for a few days for work, it was pure bliss!
So yes OP @placebytheriver exactly the same situation.

Gosh I wouldn't have the patience for all this, I've found a breezy, "No worries, you do it then," and walking away is enough. He hastily apologises before he's forced to do the task himself!

I live far away from home with my own family, but my mum tells me, as does my sister, and I have witnessed, that my aging father is becoming insanely indignant, grumpy, quick to anger etc.

My sister lives close to my parents and is there daily. She and my mum kind of roll their eyes at each other and joke about it. Mum tells me how unbearable he is becoming. When I saw the title of your post, I actually thought maybe my mum had ventured onto mumsnet.

I see it too especially when I visit home. I also know that my mum can be very dismissive and unkind, she often gave the silent treatment to my dad when I was younger. Dad and I discuss this, and he is resigned to it. We both love her but it has caused hardship for both of us. My dad staying with her/not confronting it in a healthy way probably caused me to form some quite unhealthy relationships as an adult. He believes that in a marriage you deal with the bad and good together and marriage should be for life.

One thing I notice is that when dad comes to stay with me, which is quite regularly, he is completely different. He's so calm and kind and tolerant. It's partly the dynamic at the family home which makes him that way.

I'm not sure if it's helpful but that's my two cents. I would say that for the sake of your kids, approach this honestly and state your needs and go from there, regardless of if you stay with him or not.

And also he gets angry in a seconds, same as his dad, he is like Jekyll and Hyde.
One minute he is awwww darling blabla and next I’m useless fucking cunt.. for a tiniest issue like a towel is not the right way on the rail.
God this is like Sleeping with the enemy film with Julia Roberts.
We watched the movie It ends with Us the other week and he said what a horrible person the male main character was, I said You are the same, he said what a lots of boloocks! He is apparently the best husband and everyone else would kick me out!
@placebytheriver

Hellweennights

I hope you do find it within yourself to leave your, and in turn your child's, abuser. He has and continues to drag you and your child down with him into his pit.

Your mother has noticed this change in you and she is likely to be very worried about you. Abuse like this and it is abuse can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

"We watched the movie It ends with Us the other week and he said what a horrible person the male main character was, I said You are the same, he said what a lots of boloocks! He is apparently the best husband and everyone else would kick me out!"

These men always think they're the best husbands when they are clearly otherwise. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

And no. everyone else would kick him out.

What are the factors currently preventing you from ending this relationship?. What are you getting out of this, nothing good from what I can see so what is the point of you and he being together now given how you are being mistreated?.

"One minute he is awwww darling blabla and next I’m useless fucking cunt.. for a tiniest issue like a towel is not the right way on the rail.
God this is like Sleeping with the enemy film with Julia Roberts."

This is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse that he is showing you and in addition that is a continuous one. And you are living in a real life version of that film.

Make no mistake here, controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and there is no excuse or justification for it. Its not your fault nor your child's he has decided to embark on his own private based war with you.

I daresay to he does not act like this towards people in the outside world nor to his work colleagues. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What, and he can't use his words to talk to his wife about it??

Some people are willing to excuse men anything.

I actually did that with my ex, (with him knowing which I also suggested OP to do) and afterwards my ex acknowledged he "had a bad temper" and admitted as much to his aunt (his mum was dead) in front of me. In his case, nothing changed after but at least when I decided to divorce him he knew why and he didn't put up too much of a fight.
I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, OP's DH might genuinely not know how he comes across and seeing yourself behaving badly on camera might just prompt some much needed changes.

My god. How can you bear to live with him??

You might like to start your own thread.

Good grief, how can you live like this? You really need to make some changes.

How old is he, OP?

Has there been anything different about him recently?