DH is becoming a grumpy old man who tells us all off all the time...what to do?

[placebytheriver]

Namechanged.

Marriage hasn't been in the best of places for a while. I have been putting a lot of this down to the usual midlife stresses - teenagers, elderly parents, financial strain, career stuff, blah blah. DH and I have talked about this and acknowledged that it's not great - we have been trying to make things work, appreciate each other etc...

That's the intention, anyway. Trouble is, DH has SUCH a short fuse - it feels like all good intentions to try to improve things between us go out the window over the slightest thing.

We have four teenagers and the slightest 'mistake' any of them make leads him to lose his temper. Of course kids can be annoying, but they are generally really lovely, well-behaved young people. What's just as bad is that he will berate me for every little thing too - how I load the dishwasher blah blah - just petty, boring stuff. I try to avoid nitpicking over dull domestic shit, but if I retaliate, I am 'so critical' - which is super f-ing rich given he's the one that huffs around the house telling everyone off the whole time.

He recently went away for work and the whole house felt calmer and more relaxed. Since he's back I can literally feel my blood pressure going up.

Has anyone experienced similar and what improved things? At this rate, I am not sure I want to spend the second half of my life with him...

Agree totally. I am hoping this is just a strange idea in someone's head rather than an actual thing that someone's done.

ABUSE

people use this for any little slight these days it diminishes actual abuse.

@placebytheriver

id choose a time when he's not actually having a go at one of you (might not be easy to find!) and talk to him about the fact that you BOTH want to stay together & be happy, but it's really not working at the moment, that you & the kids love him but you cannot take his grumpy behaviour any more. That you think it may be being caused by low vitamin levels or something & you need him to get these checked. He needs the 'well man MOT' to see if he's low in anything. Otherwise it's going to drive you apart.

Good look.

You both agree you have a problem.

Nothing you have tried has worked.

It’s time to try something new. If he wants to save the relationship, he will try. This means family counselling or therapy for him.

If he absolutely refuses to try anything new, you either have to put up with it for the rest of your life, or end it.

You have one life. Do you want to spend it with someone who won’t do everything he can to save the relationship?

He sounds like a really horrible and nasty person. I would ask him to leave. I would. I would say he has you walking on eggshells, you don't feel safe when he's around, and you want him to get counselling and be stable in temperament before he comes back to the home. And if he refuses I would say to him either he leaves or you do, which would he prefer? That the children are made miserable by him too, so they won't forgive him for forcing their mother to leave. That should make him feel some sliver of guilt, if he is even capable of that.

You don't have to write them in a book, but it can help to quantify just how often this is happening. I mentioned John Gottman's work, he says you need five positive interactions for one negative one otherwise you damage the relationship. Count on your fingers. I already know the answer.

how is your sex life ?
i have seen more than one middle aged man starting to lose his temper and lashing out generally once they're not able to "perform" or maintain an erection as before
whatever it is, you have my sympathies op, but this is on him to sort out

You’d hope so.

I can only imagine if my DS or DD’s partners kept a book like that. I would tell them to run for the hills.

I think you and the DC will be much happier living apart from DH. You know this is true.

Why aren’t you taking steps to achieve this?

You want to make it work, but it doesn’t seem like he does! Look at his actions rather than his promises.

Think about how this atmosphere is affect your children, constantly being put down and criticised. That can have a long lasting effect on developing minds.

I think I’d want to call time on the marriage to be honest. He’s refusing to acknowledge he has behavioural issues and that would do it for me. You know you and the kids felt calmer without him so you’d be doing them a favour as well. Sometimes staying together for the kids is worse for them than splitting.

Mine has turned into Victor Meldrew!!
I realy feel your issues and I’m not sure what you can do about it- the kids and I roll our eyes and move into different rooms…
and no, I can’t load the dishwasher without supervision apparently!
big hugs x

I would do it back to him but much harder (unless I was scared of him in which case I would get rid).

Similar here.

I just bite my tongue, buy a lottery ticket and look up houses on rightmove.

I love my DH and he's a lot of fun when he's out with his pals, but he's an energy vampire at home.

(also to @StormingNorman )

Does it make a difference if, as I'm pretty sure it was, this is meant to be a log book of his complaints against them?

It's not "dad kicked off again" or "husband is a prat" - it's "teen left shoes on the table" "wife overloaded the dishwasher"

Is he stressed out at work? New role? Passed over for promotion? Are there particular financial challenges and strains? Could he be suffering from burnout or depression? Any physical changes over this rough period?

Not helpful, but I'd be so upset and devastated if my dh "berated" our dcs. He's so lovely and calm with them. I feel really bad for you OP.

@StormingNorman has put it more delicately than me in suggesting you try teasing him out of it. I was going to say take the piss out of him "Watch out kids, Dad's got out of the wrong side of bed today" type thing. Always back your kids if you feel he is unfair. My own dh can become quite picky and reactive when he is stressed and under pressure at work. We had an incident in a shop recently where he basically threw a strop at ds. I told the kids he was "officially throwing his toys out of his pram and that he as probably hangry and in need of a snack like a toddler" at which point he was able to laugh at himself and we all went for tea and cake. Had he not laughed but dug deeper I might've begun to dislike him intensely.

Is there anything causing your dh stress? Is it time to really think about the future of your marriage, maybe couples counselling?

Just talk to him! When you are both alone and calm. Is that not possible?

The book is for him to log complaints, no?

I think it's a terrible idea, hth.

But if he won’t get any help for these you have to draw a line and look after your children and yourself.

It’s a good job this is a forum for different options then. HTH

Any time there is a massive/sudden change in behaviour, you rule out medical causes first, then look at behavioural causes. Talking can't fix a thyroid problem or heart disease.

But making a note of things, not necessarily a complaints log, will help to spot patterns. What triggers him, is it approx the same time of day eg early morning or on first getting in from work, or is it finding there's no orange juice left, etc etc. You don't have to show it to him, use it as a tool to try to understand what's going on.

If it turns out to be quite random, no clear patterns, then that says something else is wrong. Either way, knowledge is important and the information will be useful.